A most precious gift

My dad wrote a book as he was dying.

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Actually. He dictated most of it to my mom. And they didn’t get to finish. But I remember them working on it together. I’d sneak up and watch them working together, exploring old memories and putting his thoughts on paper. That’s what I remember most about his last few months, at a time where everything felt like it was spinning out of control, I’d catch my parents curled up together in bed, whispering and laughing, as they created this most precious gift.

They ran out of time though and most of the pages are blank. It’s special to me, because I remember the effort and magic that went into the finished parts. I’ve carried it with me every where, held it, ran my fingers across it, smelled it, cried on it, and even talked to it…

Tonight, for the first time, I opened it.

I could write for hours about my experiences as I read each page. But this blog is about my stretch to health.

My dad wrote of a friend, many many times, on multiple pages. So much so, that I felt compelled to Google the boy’s name. My father’s childhood best friend grew up to become a doctor.
What’s his specialty? You ask…..
ANOREXIA!

And on the last page they finished, he said:
Health and happiness are the most important things

Why did I open it for the first time tonight? Why did I feel so compelled to find out what became of the little boy who liked “building stuff and fishing” with my dad?

He may not be here to tell me any more, but he always shows me where the answers are.

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Introducing AVERY!!!

I thought I should introduce my soulmate, best friend, sidekick, one true love… Whatever you wish to call it, but I usually just call her Avery.

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As you can see, she’s really cool, loves to play dress-up. She’s a certified therapy dog and canine good citizen. Avery spent a lot of time alone after that bitch “Ana” sucked me into her clique of mindless bimbos like “Self-Loathing” and “Workout-’till-you-pass-out”.

But, I’ve dumped the ditzes, and Avery Apple has forgiven my lapse in good sense. Right now, we are here

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Snuggling

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Laughing

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Kissing

And making big plans. We decided to try Couch to 5K together. It’ll be nice and easy for both of us. And a good, guided, exploration of moderation and slow, consistent progress. It might even test our commitment and dedication. No one hates running as much as we do.

Dinners with Dad (and I’m an emotional basket case)

I am not going to yoga this week (not enough gas), which is doing really strange things to me. I have been extremely emotional, moody, tired, uncomfortable… Basically, I need a sign that say “caution yogaless yogini, chose your words carefully abs stand 10 feet back.”

I’m also super worried about losing ground in my practice and, of course, gaining weight. “No worries” I think to myself, “we are the queen of deprivation. No yoga. No food. Simple.” Except, it’s not. I did such a good job establishing a pattern, that now I can’t turn it off! And, not only that, but… On yoga, I only want to eat tons of citrus and spinach (planet’s most scurvy proof anorexic, right here), I have tons of energy and am ready for anything. Off yoga, all I want to do is sleep or eat carbs, sugar and all kind of hollow shit foods. And tonight, the unrelenting demand was for macaroni and cheese (KD for you Canadians out there). So, I gave in- without yoga I am a pushover.

When I was little, my mom was gone a lot at night. She worked or went to school or the gym or something… I don’t really know, but most nights it was just me and dad for dinner. Back then, we weren’t very good at the whole cooking thing. We ate eggs with American cheese, grilled cheese, American cheese melted on pasta… All kinds of American cheese concoctions (this may have something to do with my aversion to almost every non-cheese food on the planet). I’d sit up on the counter so we could converse and be at eye level while he worked. Anyhow, I wanted THIS kind of macaroni and cheese.

So I made some!
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Next week, it will be 13 years since my dad died. We were really close. Making and eating dad-style Mac and cheese tonight was an extremely positive, grounding experience.

Oh. I also cut my hair tonight!

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It had been down, almost to my waist. I really like it shorter (so far).

Anorexia? There’s an app for that!

Forget The Y. Forget expensive, dietitian consults. Forget eating nothing but peanut butter… I got me an iPhone app!

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This is what the home screen looks like, discreet, and relaxing

It’s called RR. It stands for something (I keep forgetting what), but the app makers were kind enough to make it so only “RR” shows on the screen. It’s kind of cool, has food tracking without screaming “DIET DIET DIET” like other apps out there, can be linked with multiple members of the treatment team who can view and comment real time (however, I don’t currently have this feature enabled), sends reminders at meal times, flashes positive affirmations every time you use it, sets goals, and you earn mp3s for meeting them.

So far, my favorite part is clicking the “yes” on “did you skip this meal”

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And, you still get the prizes just for logging in, even for poking YES!

Well, hello there, Fatty!

Today, there is a “Lifestyle and Wellness Expo” at our local mall. I decided to go check it out, because what better place to find some nutritional resources, right?

Not so much.

It was just a great big gathering of $2000 get-skinny-fast-without-doing-anything scams, and some Zumba.

The YMCA had a table there, too. I’d seen online that they offer nutrition coaching, and stopped, thinking they might be an ideal resource for me. A friend, of mine is a member and her monthly fees are significantly less than an individual consultation with a RD. as I got up to the table, before I even opened my mouth to speak, the representative looked right at me, smiled and said

“Hey! Are you looking to lose a few pounds and tone up?”

I left immediately, and have been crying in my car for the past 20 minutes.

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Changing so fast!!!

I have so much to say! And my thoughts are bounding all over the place. So, I’m apologizing in advance if this seems disjointed.

I am still COMPLETELY mystified by food, eating, taste, texture, and all of the social nuances that accompany this strange human pastime.

But. I’m paying attention to my body. Well, trying anyway- It’s really hard for the little person who HATES food to just pick up the habit.

I have been experiencing really intense muscle spasms for the past several days. I can separate myself from pain, and I can ignore annoying, but this has been freaking me out. I know that the destruction I have imposed on my body is immense and won’t instantly vanish just because I hit that magical 18.5 BMI green line. I feel strongly that these spasms are related to electrolytes but couldn’t figure out where to get more info. So, late last night. I asked my BFF- who happens to be a doctor. 20130125-235451.jpg
ice skating with my BFF

She agrees that it was related to electrolytes, and told me to research Refeeding Syndrome… That’s some scary shit. I tried drinking poweraid, but LOATHE the taste and the excessive sugar immediately makes me feel ill. So I Googled some DIY options and left work to gather some supplies. I mixed coconut milk, lemon, lime, cara-cara, salt and water in my blender bottle with a little squeeze of honey for sweetness and enzymes. It was pretty yummy, and the spasms, while still present, were greatly subdued. But the chunks from the coconut milk freaked me out a little bit. Next time I would just use coconut water instead.

I’ve been wanting all kinds of different foods, stuff I have never tried or never liked. And I’m eating all of it, all the time. All the while getting skinnier and skinnier and gaining weight at warp speed! I am all ribs and biceps these days!

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Oh yeah, and boobs!

People seem more worried about me now, solidly within “normal”, than when I weighed significantly less a few weeks ago. I’m getting really strong!

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I piked into this headstand (core instead of kicking) for the first time today! I am REALLY proud of myself!

I really love seeing how the thing I eat immediately affect my practice. It’s not just food it’s “Yoga Fuel”, this distinction makes eating easier for me to deal with. Food is psychological and emotional and makes people fat. Fuel keeps the machine operable and in optimal condition.

How do you fuel your workouts???

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Working on splits and enjoying the sunshine

A first!

Today I took my FOURTH Advanced class! I love feeling like a new kid all over again. I love to push myself. And I really love the friendly, supportive, interactive atmosphere that it creates. Today, we got distracted somewhere around Plow, and decided to go straight to inversions. Then just ended up playing around. It was neat to just experiment with the yoga, encourage each other and be inspired by the strengths that each person brought into the room with them.

On the way home, I suddenly wanted avocado. So I swung into Publix. The avocados didn’t look plate ready, they all needed more time. So I settled for some guac. I also got Brie and bell peppers. At home, I heated a veggie burger. While it was nuking I spread a little bit if guac and Brie on a tortilla, then shredded the heated patty and topped with peppers.

I LIKED IT! I liked it so much I decided to skip 6:30 class so I could eat a 2nd wrap. Eating has never ever been pleasurable for me. It’s just a horrible necessary chore. But, today I was all set to go hard core Thanksgiving, unbutton my pants stuff myself then pass out from all the food. This is a new experience for me. I think it’s pretty cool.

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