Still angry… Buuuuuut

I’m still angry.
I still feel like skinny yoga is win-y yoga. And that there are tons of smaller women in the room who should be harassed about their weight before me.

But. Because I don’t really have much choice in this matter…
Tonight was less painful.
I did every set.
It was the same teacher I’ve been having issues with and he didn’t; look, touch, yell or call my name today…. I guess that’s a start. My legs also felt stronger than usual. I didn’t have to fight nearly as hard to lift the knee cap.

I still feel like an alien on planet yoga. And I’m still afraid that I’ll show up on Wednesday for advanced and she’ll look me up and down (like that day on the beach) and say “No. Not her.” Just like she did last spring.

It took me more than a year to feel confident enough to try yoga after that. And even still, I only went back to her studio for the workshop last weekend. Walking in for a regular class is terrifying. Expecting to stay for advanced… Nearly paralyzing. I wish I was allowed to still be skinny… Because that’s why {most adored teacher} keeps saying I should practice with them.

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6 thoughts on “Still angry… Buuuuuut

  1. Wow! There is so much in your post. What wonderful honesty. Are you saying that you tried to go to advanced before, someone took one look at you and said, “No?” It sounds like you had a bad experience at a studio. I’m so sorry! Are you cleared to go to advanced on Wednesday? Were you invited or can anyone just show up?

    • I live in an area with multiple studios in close proximity, and everyone goes to one for advanced. Last spring I was practicing at that studio regularly, and the owner’s husband asked for some guinea pigs to try out a potential SUP yoga class. I was all over it like white on rice, simply could not have been more stoked. I got there and signed my life away and they gave me a board to play around on. I am a life long beach kid and have always been inclined towards board sports. I was having a blast and didn’t mind that everyone else was late.

      When the studio owner got there, she looked me up and down, said “not her.” Then took everyone else for the SUP yoga. I was crushed humiliated and devastated. It took me almost a year to continue practicing my yoga after that. And even still, I drive an hour from my house to another studio.

      Plus, last week, she was begging for volunteers for the competition. I e-mailed and was excited to help. At 11pm the night before, she messaged to say, that she ran out of jobs when she got to me. Maybe she really ran out of jobs… But my overly critical inner voice feels like I didn’t get a job because I am still inadequate to her.

      Aside from the workshop with Joseph, this will be my first time taking class at her studio from her staff. Advanced is by invite only and the schedule is kept kind of private. I have been invited, and given the schedule by multiple teachers and our local champion.

      I feel like I have worked hard, and deserve to be there. Not only have I had to work hard and improve my postures. I have also been diligently eating my way up to a place where I can safely and consistently practice with the advanced class. I did it with very singular focus on getting there. I have been waiting for an advanced class invite since I was 12 years old. This is like a dream come true… If she doesn’t let me stay tomorrow. I will be heart broken.

  2. You’ve been taking bikram since you were twelve? That is so awesome.

    About your experience with advanced last year- no, no, no, that is all sorts of wrong. How awful for you. That teacher sounds like a nightmare! If you were invited this time, I wouldn’t worry. They don’t tend to disinvite people unless you are, like, rude or abusive or flagrantly violate the expectations (and those should be made pretty clear). Be prepared, though – advanced is FAST! The second advanced class is always so much better than the first, too, at least I thought so. My first time taking advanced I was lost half the time.

    I hope that this does not seem inappropriate, but since you write about anorexia a lot I thought I would share my experience, in hopes that it might give you hope. I am 38 now, and first became anorexic at 12. The acute phase (hospitalization, intense treatment, seriously underweight) lasted for most of my teens. I felt like I got more or less a hold of it in my twenties when I started lifting weights, but the body image crap and weirdness about food persisted for years. I figured I would always have this monster in my head, and it was just a matter of keeping it under control. And for many people, this may be true. But in my case, it really did completely vanish. Somewhere in my early thirties, I got better. (My neuroses just manifest in different ways. 🙂 ) It may have had something to do with having children, it may be because of my awesome husband, or it may just have been time. But I can honestly say it is gone. I have a healthy relationship with food and my body image is great. (And I didn’t really change size since my weight stabilized at about 24 or so.) I feel really good about how I look, and I NEVER thought that would happen.

    I don’t know if this is helpful or not. I hope it is. I hope you can have the hope that someday, this internal torture might just be a memory for you. I was always told “this is something you will always have to deal with”, and that just felt so hopeless. But you know – it might not be. Just keep trying the right way, and you will leave this behind, eventually.

    • I love this comment so much! Thank you!!!!!

      Yes, I took my first Bikram class 15 years ago! I was attending a training camp for youth sailors. Our coach loaded us up in the van and hauled us down to the studio on a whim one morning, because the weather sucked. And we’d already watched all the videos, done all the puzzles, played all the games and were starting to find more exciting ways to entertain ourselves… With things like fire and gallons and gallons of bubbles!

      I wore jeans to my first class, didn’t bring any water and thought sticky mats were reserved for the pros. I don’t remember the heat or struggling at all (although those experiences did come later). All I remember is the boys! At 12, I was the youngest, smallest and the only girl attending the training camp. Every morning we woke up and those boys paddled harder, erged longer, ran farther, lifted more and sailed faster than me….

      The devil himself couldn’t have wiped the grin from my face as I gloated at those stiff, huffing boys. And thus began my deep and passionate love for this yoga.

      The thing that happened on the beach last year, wasn’t advanced. It was something extra, with paddle boards. Honestly, that studio owner has been around for 10 years, seems to know EVERYONE, and I’ve never heard a single negative comment about her. I’d like to believe that getting dumped at the beach was an isolated bad day… I’m still totally terrified though!

      Thank you for sharing your story with me! I too worry that “managed” will be the best I can hope for. I am currently gaining, and close to that 18.5 green line… But, really, eating is just as exhausting as anorexia and less fun. It seems like it’d be easy to go back to doing things my way as soon as everyone gets off my back and/or I let my guard down a little.

      I’m really glad you said something!

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