Trapped between a rock and a sweaty place

I keep meaning to post about how awesome yoga is… 

But, right now I kind of have a different purpose for writing. 

I am frustrated!

Anorexia has a ridiculously high mortality rate… yet resources are impossible to find! My health insurance does not address treatment for eating disorders At. ALL. The therapist I’ve been seeing is not covered At. All. I have access to exactly one dietitian within 100 miles and that person is a diabetes specialist. She does not treat eating disorders At. ALL.

Where’s all that leave me? Anorexic adult, with a steady, full time job, health insurance, and a passion for yoga that is single handedly fueling my motivation to get healthy.

I’ve reached a point where I can continue to pay the team of people that I’ve aligned to help me OR pay for healthy food OR give up yoga. Giving up yoga is simply not an option. So, I think to my self, Hey, things have been going pretty well, I’ve gained enough weight to not be a walking hazard, I feel awesome. It’s obviously all the food. Let’s keep this up by canceling every appointment on the calendar for the next 6 weeks. Totally logical, right? 

Only, then a funny thing started to happen. I begin to think, Hey, this is pretty sweet, I’ve got the next 6 weeks to do whatever I want, without anyone harassing me. It’s so relaxing to take a break from the relentless internal battle. Plus, canceling all of those appointments left fantastic gaps in my schedule that can now be filled with more yoga. 

And suddenly, I’m free to spend 300 minutes in the hot room on 500, 400, 300 calories… of course, I’m going to take the opportunity. 

While my free time is spent trying to demystify my health insurance, or uncover hidden resources within my community.  I’ve learned enough to understand that anorexia bad, but not enough to sufficiently take care of myself. I was doing ok, setting small achievable goals with lots of accountability. But I sure wasn’t doing it because I was gung-ho to pack on the pounds. 

Please, don’t be mad at me! If I was made of money this wouldn’t be an issue. I just feel stuck. 

 

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8 thoughts on “Trapped between a rock and a sweaty place

  1. I am not the expert on this issue, but are there online forums that you can join to form a support group with people going through the same battle?

    Are there other dietitians you can talk to on the phone or online that specialize in anorexia instead of dealing with your diabetes specialist?

    Wishing you so much luck! Yoga is certainly a wonderful outlet and teacher.

    • Thank you! ❤
      I find that engaging in online forums can end up sparking ideas and encouraging anorexic feelings and behaviors, so I generally avoid them.

      I'm trying hard to let my yoga request it's own fuel.

  2. I think it’s awful that you are in this situation. There are ways to eat healthy on a budget. Do you have access to a Whole Foods? I am pretty sure you could get someone, for free, to help you think about healthy eating on a budget.

    I worry about you not having a support group. I have been reading 21st Century Yoga (highly recommend it). There is a chapter written by an anorexic and another by an alcoholic. Different issues, yes, but I am pretty sure that both talk about how yoga is not enough to fully heal them and that they needed some type of support system. They argued that it was both the yoga and the professional support that helped them to heal – one was not enough no matter which one they might have selected.

    I don’t know what to tell you other than I am thinking of you and hope yu can find a way to make all three things work.

  3. I know that this is oversimplifying the issue however… we choose what we want ourselves to be. Now I know that you’re thinking that you didn’t choose to deal with Anorexia, just like I used to say that I didn’t choose to deal with the life traumas that led me to deal with severe anxiety and depression. The thing is that with any mentally focussed illness, we sometimes make choices that we otherwise wouldn’t normally make. So whatever leads to the condition ends up becoming less of a problem than the symptoms themselves, but it’s still choices that led us to these places.

    The other side of the coin is that we need to choose to recognise we have these problems and then we need to choose again to heal ourselves, and to do so our goals must be choices we have made driven by powerful reasons WHY we want to.

    From reading your blog, it sounds to me like you’ve made your choice to fight your Anorexia and you’re making time to heal yourself, but that perhaps feel stuck about how to actually get there, or perhaps how to define what “healed” may mean to you. My suggestion (and I’m not psychologist or expert on Anorexia) is to make some more choices, make them goals that you can say you WILL achieve, and then do whatever it takes to achieve them.

    I’m also a great believer that diet is as important a healer as anything else you may be counselled to do. Again I’m not an expert, but from my reading into the subject I’ve learned that human beings are genetically built to need high levels of protein, and high levels of water. If you’ve chosen to be a vegetarian this means trying to balance the high protein foods more against the high carb foods, and trying to reduce the starches to make that balance work FOR you so that you build the appropriate amount of muscle for your frame without overloading on the foods that will otherwise make you feel bloated or like you’re simply fattening yourself up. Water though is the key to ensuring your body is cleansed of all of the waste products that your cells produce. Sweating the water out at your hot yoga class means increasing your water intake to replenish the lost water so that this cleansing process works better, and as the studies have confirmed, there is a connection between even mild dehydration and negative mood.

    The last think that I’ll mention quickly is that the frustration is a good thing. It means you recognise that your choices are taking you into an area that the experts aren’t really prepared for and that you’re ready to try and take control of your life. Use your support networks. Lean on them for the inspiration and encouragement you need to help you to achieve your goals, whatever they are.

    (Sorry for the really long comment) 😛

    • Thank you for this very long and thoughtful comment!!! ❤

      I do believe that, for me, being vegetarian is more biological than optional. My mother was vegetarian while pregnant with me and I have been a non-meat-eater my entire life, and strict vegetarian for the past 10 years. So, I'm pretty good at finding plant based protein. My current diet consists of about 50% protein shakes, 44% peanut butter and 6% everything else (however, I don't record any produce at the moment so fruits and veggies are not accounted for in those calculations).

      I also drink tons of water. But I hate sports drinks and think I'm slowly running into a bit of an electrolyte problem.

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