I love first timers. I really do… But it’s hard when they show up as a pack, don’t know how to behave in the studio and are trying to maintain their social pecking order or whatever herds of humans do when not swarming the hot room.
Yesterday, I got there early, and walked into a school of first timers, already swimming in their own sweat… And they were like EVERYWHERE- rows, people, and the mats all go the same direction, just FYI. But I wasn’t gonna be the one to get in trouble for talking. So, I just set up where I could carve out a little space for myself, then hit the wall for some backbending to warm up. 1…. 2…. 3…. I’d just hit a nice groove, namaste, up, hands on the wall, down, legs, face to the wall, up, hands up, namaste, breathe. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 4… 5… I felt the buzz in the room slowly peter out. Overcome by the sudden stillness, I paused to look around. What I find is 17 newbies sitting on their mats in Easy Pose, with their jaws on the ground, watching the Amazing Teenie Yogini Walk-Walking Afternoon Special Feature.
Lovely, Anorexia just loves being the center of attention, especially in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts @@. Feeling extremely self-conscious, I make a bee line for my mat. I wanted to practice splits then get some sleeping yogi on and zone out before class, but just stretch my legs a little instead.
That’s when the beginners started creeping up around me, closer and closer they inched, watching intently, whispering to each other and laughing.
Anorexia was trying hard to have a colossal meltdown from all the weird attention. But Yogini roared “BITCH! shut-UP! I’m trying to practice here!” and squashed her whiny ass.
The teacher walked in and tried to explain the concept of a row to the ring of first timers circled around my mat. One of them shrugged and started to drag her mat in front of me. So I did something really out of character for myself.
I spoke up!
“Hey! You new?”
“No new people in the first row!”
So, I did the only logical thing. Grabbed my stuff and claimed the Devil’s Corner!
The Devil’s corner is the spot in the front row, on the side with mirrors. It’s farthest from the doors, under a radiant panel and doesn’t have a fan… Like a hot little oasis in hell!
I love it!!!!
I seriously despise being “cooled off” during class. And did not get blasted up there. It was PERFECT!
I noticed a lot of other interesting things… My view of the room became extremely limited, and my view of myself became extremely focused. I could see my hips, ribs, elbows, spine knees, shoulders, so many bones poking out everywhere. And I could see my muscles ripple under my skin when I moved. I could see my toes curl and grab the floor. I could see deep into my own eyes for standing head to knee and bow. I could see every drop of sweat, and feel my own smile every time I used it to encourage myself or others around me.
And the whole time I was up there. I was thinking “DAAAANG, girl! You are HOT! And STRONG! And perfectly skinny. But, let’s work on digging out that ol’ six-pack so your abs match those great arms and legs. Holy cow! Did you just flex your pecs? Dooooode! I didn’t even know we HAD those! Sweet!”
The whole experience may have been rather vain. But, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself so much. It was amazing.
And! I did it again tonight!
Watch out evil little twin inside my head. Yogini is the Devil’s Apprentice now, and she’s on a mission to annihilate you!