Lately, my yoga is amazing. I feel fantastic. I sleep through the night (this is HUGE, I have been running on 2-4 hours of sleep/day for the past 10 years). I can focus at work. And I eat food.
I feel like I eat a ton of food.
But I don’t think I’m doing it right. When I was super underweight, I drank the mass gainer shakes with a goal of 1200 net calories/day calculated by some iPhone app to gain. And gain I did! I put on tons of weight really fast, and reached “normal”. So, I used the same app and recalculated my goal to maintain… And it came up with 1200 calories, again! Just to see, I recalculated for weight loss… You guessed it, still 1200! Obviously, this is impossible, so I looked up some formulas on line, and did the math myself, adjusted the daily goal to 1000, and have stayed the same weight all week. But, I end up eating hollow, pointless, junk food just for numbers, and then feel crappy. Or I forget the goal and stop when I’m done. Then, I feel like I’m failing at normal, because normal people eat enough, and don’t accidentally starve themselves. At the same time, I’m also failing at anorexia, because I’m normal.
So. I adjusted the goal again, to 800, thinking that it’d give me enough calories to fuel my yoga, as well as feeling less overwhelming.
Today, I thought I had a pretty awesome food day. I are a big spinach salad with lots of beans and veggies with some Green Machine and a tangerine for breakfast. Protein shake with almond butter for a snack. Sandwich with peanut butter, spinach and dark chocolate chips for lunch. Then chocolate milk, more of the same salad I had for breakfast and an orange for dinner.
That’s a solid effort, from the girl who hates food… And even calculating at 800. All that leaves me 340.
Eating doesn’t seem this complicated for other people. I wish I knew how to do it 😦