Starting to panic (a little)

Welp. It’s down to the wire! I just packed my clothes, and after a massive debate, removed the scale from my suitcase.

My cousin sent me this picture while I was in class.
I thought to my self “I love peanut butter (the sugary kind) almost as much as burritos.”

And that’s when the freaking out started. This is huge for me. I have always traveled with my immediate family, always had someone else’s plate I could dump my food on, always someone who could sense a food meltdown coming, usually even before I did and intervene before anyone found out. Yes, this is the reason we absolutely HAD to have new shoes, at midnight, while the rest of the family was eating plumelo around the pool last time we came up.

I’m really scared. Anorexia is about control, not deliberately, but in looking at my eating patterns in relation to situations and events taking place in my life at various times, it’s easy to see that the more out of control I feel at any given time, the less I eat. Eating in front of people is scary. Eating new foods is scary. Eating out is terrifying. Eating anything that I haven’t read a label or looked up on line is almost impossible.

It’s a very short trip. Anyone could go 3 days without food and be just fine. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I did that… Except I’ve been informed that my cousin will kill me if I try.

New things are frightening. That’s how we grow.

Plus, Dawson and I have missed each other!


2 thoughts on “Starting to panic (a little)

  1. Good luck.
    Try not to freak out too much. If you can’t eat then you can’t. Only doing as much as you can manage at any given time is all anyone can ask and they cannot FORCE you to eat.

    And if you feel worried about making them feel bad if you don’t eat, as long as you’ve done as much as you can manage, logically (and I know sometimes logic doesn’t seem to cut it anyway) you shouldn’t feel guilty. Their emotions are controlled by themselves, not by how much you have or haven’t eaten. That’s their problem.

    I really hope it goes well. I think that’s an awesome thing that you will go without your scale. I know how it feels. I recently moved countries leaving behind my scale. I think it’s good, no matter how much you miss it.

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