Bendy little anomaly

ED Team check in day!!!

I didn’t get in trouble for losing 11lbs in 12 days. Actually, it kind of helped to clarify some things, redirect focus and stuff. I feel validated and understood and re-motivated to get better.

Clinically, I have anorexia. If you were to make a list of everything that’s wrong with me and run it through a symptom checker, you’d end up at anorexia.

But, after months of working through different anorexia focused workbooks, with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, gaining weight, and more or less stabilizing… I haven’t really connected with most of the ED focused issues.

She said she absolutely believes me when I say that I hate food and don’t get hungry. I will probably never understand intuitive eating and depend on a highly regimented schedule and calorie counting forever. I can’t aspire to eat when hungry, if I don’t understand what hungry is. Instead, the aspiration has to be to eat because right now the schedule says to, even if I’m having more fun doing something else.

With all that in mind, we adjusted The Rules. I still don’t have to eat lunch, but we are going to fight about that one next time. New Rules:
– eat a MEAL in the morning
– eat SOMETHING at night
– watch electrolytes
– consume a TOTAL of 800 calories everyday (net doesn’t matter)
– go back to keeping a calendar
– get a non-see through cup with a kid and a straw
– try to find a high calorie smoothie that I don’t hate, to drink from the cup while at work, because I can not eat at my new desk in the middle of the traffic pattern.

I am an anomaly. She said in 20 years she’s never seen an eating disorder quite like mine.

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I got my 800 calories for today. So, this sleepy yogi is calling it a night.

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