Circular

If you would like to engage in the most frustrating and circular discussion ever, try speaking logically with a hungry anorexic in the middle of the night. Mad props to anyone who has survived one of these, without jumping through the phone and strangling me.

Late last night, as I was falling asleep, I suddenly decided I was HUNGRY! Not just random hungry, I wanted the very same lentil soup I’d refused to eat the day before.

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This shouldn’t be complicated. I’m an adult. I legs that are quite capable of walking to the kitchen. I have containers to hold refused soup, a refrigerator to keep it fresh and a microwave to warm it up.

Providing myself with soup at midnight could be easily accomplished in under 2 minutes…. Logically.

Except, nothing is ever that simple when anorexia gets involved and internal discussion takes place as follows:

Me: I’m hungry
Me: no you’re not
Me: I want soup
Me: you can’t have soup
Me: but I’m hungry
Me: no you’re not. You already ate all of your food for today. Don’t be so careless tomorrow.
Me: it’s midnight, I can eat for tomorrow
Me: don’t be ridiculous, then you will have two messed up days in a row
Me: but I’m hungry
Me: no you’re not
Me: The Rules say 800. Rules exist to keep us safe and healthy. You are safe and healthy. You don’t need soup.
Me: I can’t sleep. My ribs and shoulder blades poke into everything. I need some soup.
Me: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Me: oh! I wonder if I can watch some Seinfeld on my iPad!
Me: you better save your energy for something more important
Me: like eating soup?
Me: it’s after midnight. Dr. Phil says not to eat this late
Me: ohhhh! Name dropping, are we? Did you google that to verify?
Me: Since when do I care about Dr. Phil
Me: lots of people care about Dr. Phil.
Me: lots of people would have already eaten the damn soup and gone to bed, too.
Me: I need a 2nd opinion. I’m going to text someone
Me: don’t be stupid. Anyone is going to tell you to eat. They don’t understand.
Me: they don’t understand what?
Me: winning!
Me: what exactly is our objective here? Starving to death? That’s dumb. I want soup.
Me: being awesome, obviously.
Me: what qualifies as awesome? Dr. Phil?
Me: no. He’s fat.
Me: be like Tyra!
Me: Tyra hates anorexic people
Me: be like Jillian
Me: ohhh she IS awesome!
Me: you could never be like Jillian. She’s too perfect. And bad ass. And cool. You just aren’t. Sorry. Be realistic here.
Me: I want to be like Bob.
Me: Teenie, are you keeping some kind of dark secret? Do you secretly wish to be a man?
Me: no! Of course not. I aspire to be fit, healthy and compassionate.
Me: you aspire to be fat.
Me: Bob’s not fat.
Me: if you have soup, you will be fat
Me: if I have soup, I’ll be able to sleep
Me: do you want to be one of the grunty people in the back of the yoga room?
Me: no
Me: obviously. So just go to sleep. It’s not going to kill you. Plan better tomorrow.

This went on for hours. I finally passed out or cried myself to sleep around 3am.

When I woke up, I had the soup, right away and mixed just 1 scoop of mass gainer with chocolate almond mild in my cup, to have at work. Which started today at 317, instead of 625. I left myself lots of room to make today better than yesterday.

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4 thoughts on “Circular

  1. The illogical/logical discussion sucks. I know it well. But, it makes me glad to read this post in a way, because it makes me feel a bit less like I’m completely insane, or, at least there are people out there who are insane with me. lol
    I hope today goes well for you!

    • I think there are probably many people who experience this. I tend to try to text people in the middle of these arguments, and have what I’m sure are unbelievably frustrating and pointless conversations with the people I am closest too. Bless them for continuing to love me.

  2. Oh my dear, I hope today was better! I definitely relate to the crazy midnight internal dialogue, although mine is not about food (these days). I have to say though, that at least you have a sense of humour about it, because the stuff about aspiring to be Jillian/Bob was really funny. Do you suppose either of them has even done Bikram yoga more than once?

    Oh and I cannot ever fall asleep if I am hungry. Blood sugar perhaps? But then I have the most effed up relationship with sleep ever. So yeah.

    Enjoy your yoga party this weekend!

  3. Pingback: Alignment | The Adventures of a Teenie Yogini

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