I took class this morning. I stayed in the room and didn’t barf or die… So we’ll call it winning, I guess.

I am completely and totally NOT in control right now. Compassion’s sweet voice is entirely missing from the internal dialogue. I can’t connect. Can’t find my footing. I’m losing my grasp. Fall fall falling into anorexia’s open arms. And I’m tired. So very tired. I am eternally engaged in a relentless battle with only myself, it’s exhausting. I am exhausted.

I don’t want to do this any more.

My yoga has gone to shit. Strength and flexibility I owned easily last week have fled. They cower in the dark trenches of my disordered alter ego.

I need to save myself, and don’t know how!


3 thoughts on “Blah!

  1. Your yoga won’t have just gone to shit, maybe, like your mind, your body is finally just actually really bloody tired. It’s difficult when you get over the initial “i’m getting well. yay. go me.” and it sets in how long it seems to be taking and how you just have to keep going. But I guess, the ultimate choice is deciding between “it’s too difficult” and, well, life. Which even though the answer is seemingly obvious, makes it really hard when the results and benefits look to be way far off in the future and it all feels crappy at the present.
    Kind of like if I said I want to be as great as you at yoga having never even seen people do it, let alone do it myself and being so inflexible I can hardly touch my toes for 5 seconds straight. I could probably get there, but it’d take a long time if I wanted it and it’d hurt physically and mentally. And of course take mountains of effort.
    Maybe, we just have to make eating a habit, like sports practice was for me. I know, even when I was tired beyond all hell, I’d always go to soccer practice, not just to burn calories, but because I knew I wanted to get better at what I was doing. And I’m sure you’re the same with Yoga. I think a big part is habit not only drive, because habit helps when there is no drive.

    • I think you are exactly correct.
      It’s also the reason for having SOMETHING at night. It sets the intent, without being too scary. For months, my “something” was a piece of American cheese. That over time evolved, and almost became dinner. For a little while, at least.

      • I agree with both of you. Habits are powerful. They sit in the subconscious, so when we’re out of control they can dig us out of the ditch. Something that helped me in my recovery (is there even such a thing as total recovery? sometimes I do wonder), was eating super healthy. Make everything as balanced as possible. It helped calm my fears about eating ”more than I should”, because with time I realized that if I eat healthy foods, even in slightly bigger amounts, the body knows to make use of that as fuel (whereas junk foods even in small amounts wouldn’t be used as effectively), just my two cents worth of thoughts. Also I began associating different foods with their effect on for example skin tone, hair and nail health, brain health, effects on mood etc, which took the focus off the energy content of the food.

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