Tonight was perfect.
I agonized over the decision ALL day. Um, yeah, I am fully aware that it’s JUST yoga and choosing a class should not be difficult… Anorexia is a peach (ohhhh, the irony).
Anyway, 4 classes, 4 teachers, 2 studios, critters to care for, dead-set on doubles, and Burrito Works closes at 8, resulted on about 2565326 possibilities.
In the end, I opted to forego the burrito and the doubles in favor of being a good mutt mommy, and avoiding the tourist district.
I wanted to get there early to have time to warm up and sort out my shoulder. I was early enough that I had to park far away because the previous class was still changing and whatnot. But!
– I got to the door, realized I forgot my water in the car and went back for it.
– I got to the locker room, realized I’d left my shorts in the “clean yoga clothes” basket in my car, and went back for them
– I changed, but my clothes felt funny, checked the mirror, realized I’d put my clothes on perfectly backwards, and redressed myself properly
– I went to set up my stuff, realized my mat was still in the car, and went back for it
– I started warming up, realized I definitely was not wearing enough deodorant, but I had some in the car, and went back for it
– I asked the girl beside me who was teaching, only to realize, I would have known, had I signed in, and went back out to sign in!
Kate was teaching… Which is ALWAYS, well… It’s always an experience! She can be hilarious. She can say things that would likely make Bikram himself blush. She can be sweet, tough, intense, aloof, intimidating, and almost never teaches up at the new studio. Oh, and Kate likes it HOT!!! I was ecstatic to know I would get double class exhaustion, in single class time.
In standing bow, she asked me where my head was… I was relieved to know I wasn’t the only one looking for it.
Between sets, she explained that standing bow is special, because the body is calm while in the posture, and experiences cardio feelings upon coming out. This is a good thing and happens specifically to clear the French fries from the cardiovascular system. Then she looked directly at me and said, “So, just eat the French fries, alright? Eat the French fries, and enjoy them, then do yoga. Just do more yoga than French fries, and some of us do A LOT of yoga.” AND! She winked at me, like she new about my little French fry experiment a few months ago.
**Kate, if you are lurking my blog… Comment, or say something in the studio! I won’t be upset.
In rabbit, she called me out… big time! with “Dude! what is *that*!? Sometimes, too good, is no good. That rabbit was too good. It sucked!” Which lead to a loooooong break between sets while she discussed “Too good, is no good”.
Meanwhile, I mulled over what had just happened. Did any of you catch it??? It’s pretty freaking profound! Hellooooo!??? I’m ANOREXIC! I take perfectionism to a whole new level! I obsess endlessly about being good enough! I leave work to buy new clothes when a co-worker jokingly says “nice flight suit” about my new outfit. I quit the dive team because the coach told me to lead with my left foot instead of my right, which I interpreted as “you are a complete failure and I hate you.”
Kate called me out in front of other people! She told me that
I was what I was doing was “no good”…. And I LAUGHED! I even welcomed it! In the 2nd set, she physically adjusted me… Which gloriously popped my shoulder back into place. It altered my entire perception of rabbit, while adding strength, depth and understanding to my practice.
The Hot Room is my sanctuary. In there, I am protected from the tyrant in my mind. But, it’s just matter, just four walls in space… Irrelevant. The sanctuary already exists within me. Through this yoga, I am learning to be my own keeper of the keys to internal peace.
What if I had just switched feet all those years ago?
“Sometimes too good, is no good.”
How perfectly does this define anorexia?
Tonight, “no good” did not equate to “no hope” it was an invitation to tap into my own strength, when my own wasn’t sufficient, it was a reminder to accept the strength that Kate so willingly shared. Tonight, “no good” was perfect.
I am on the brink of something amazing, I can already feel it.