I don’t wanna (and NO!) Tuesday

The theme of the day is I DON’T WANNA!!!

Alarm went off, I don’t wanna get out of bed!

Almond time, I don’t wanna eat soggy nuts (and was saved by stupid on this one, I forgot to set them up last night… Bummer)!

I also didn’t want to go check in with brains and was tempted to text and cancel (Then go take doubles) right up until I walked in the door. Damn, too late.

* RULES: um, we didn’t actually make any, but I promoted Gebi’s 11am citrus as kind-of lunch, which seemed to be acceptable.
* GOALS: BMI = 19.5 (to which I said NO WAY!)
But this was actually kind of a funny discussion, and I’m quite sure I made some great faces.
Brains: ok, goals, I really want to see BMI up around 120.
Me: (immediately- without bothering to actually listen) NO.
Brains: yes. It can be muscle. BMI, 120.
Me: (whoa, I heard it that time! And probably stopped breathing for a second). Are you kidding me?
Brains: no. I’m serious. This is very serious.
Me: (start wondering if she means weight. Quick math. 120lbs for my height would be flirting with “overweight” I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, and shake my head NO again.)
Brains: Not weight! BMI!
Me: (panic mode extreme. I can’t even wrap my head around that math… But I’m absolutely positive it’s beyond excessive- considering the “obese” category simply states > 30. I can’t articulate a single coherent thought).
Brains: Oh! Not 120! Just regular 20!
Me: (breathe, process, settle) Um. No.
Brains: Well, how about 19.5?

I wrote it down. But have no intention to actually pursue this particular goal. 18.5 is “normal”. And normal people get to just be normal…. And normal is kind of the objective, right?

* My big mouth brought up our yoga party dinner, which resulted in the sharing of the blog addy… Yikes! I write EVERYTHING here.

After much internal debate. I have decided not to go back, re-read and/or edit anything. Nor will I sensor my thoughts or alter what I write. I blog for me.

Then I didn’t want to practice. Go figure.

The dogs took forever to pee. The last thing my roommate said as I was leaving this morning was “I’m putting your stuff in the drier right now.” Then for whatever reason, did not. So I didn’t have MY towel, MY “costume”, MY jammies. It through me through a loop. I left my mat at home and had to rent one. The spare bottoms I dug out of my car were too big, my old top was stiff and crunchy from being washed a thousand million times… Plus it was also too big.

But I went in. I got my Heidi class- the one I missed on Saturday. There were only 6 people there. Usually, I dislike small classes, but it was kind of a nice change of pace tonight. My right leg is still killing me!

I’ve been so certain that doubles would help… And to an extent, I was right. Yesterday was Doubles Monday. I made sure to get super hot, be kind, go as far as I could, instead of as far as I wanted. It felt improved today, but not better.

So I am here.

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Soaking in Epsom salt, and blogging from the tub (TMI?). I’m getting sleepy, and quickly losing interest in dinner. Meh. Maybe tomorrow.

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6 thoughts on “I don’t wanna (and NO!) Tuesday

  1. Wow your blog is so fun to read! I really admire that you’re sharing your experiences with the eating disorder and yoga etc. with the world. If everyone were willing to be as open and vulnerable about the obstacles they face in their lives, the world would be a better place. keep on doing what you’re doing girlfriend.

      • if you don’t mind me asking, have you overcome your battle with it? I mean I understand completely that it is something that in your words “terrorizes” you because it is such a traumatic experience and it must take time to overcome the emotions that come with it, but have you gotten over the disorder itself?

      • No. Not really. Some days, I might say yes. But in the big picture… I don’t think so. I’ve learned a lot. I know *what* to do. And i know *why* it’s important. But if left to my own devices, I can’t/won’t. Two weeks ago, I might have thought otherwise. I took a very short (Friday-Sunday) trip to NY for nationals. And even staying with my fully aware and extremely supportive cousin, I lost 11lbs in 13 days.

        It doesn’t take much more than a little distraction to lose focus on eating properly, or a little stress to actively decide to take control of my environment by putting down my fork.

  2. Haha. I’m having a bit of one of those days too. Hence, reading blogs while in Chinese class. There is a saying in chinese “加油!” It means like an encouragement but actually literally means “add oil”. So, 加油!:)

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