Having a trying morning

I’m having a hard time today.

I always know, the minute I wake up.

It’s confusing. So many changes, my perspective is shifting so rapidly, and I’m having a hard time orienting.

Brains and I are on a break. I’m afraid that might be a mistake. I don’t have very much confidence in myself today, and I am scared. My primary goal, from the minute I decided to change my situation and get healthy, has been survival. 6 months ago, that meant living in a crap situation, in favor of the much needed support from Brains.

In this moment, reprieve from my current environment is paramount. EVERYTHING, including time with Brains, is secondary to moving me and Avery to a place where we can experience safety, stability and independence. I’m afraid we aren’t ready and more afraid of staying where we are. I’m afraid that we won’t get the apartment, and I’m afraid if we do.

I’m afraid of being there, without the professional support. I’m afraid of exhausting my poor dear friends.

I’m afraid that the chiro will stop working.

I’m afraid that the Ana voice will take over again… She still there. And still loud, sometimes. I’m afraid her familiarity will become too enticing beside all of the newness of living alone for the first time and sole responsibility for the lives of my dog, and myself.

I am still me.

I have an eating disorder.

I feel humongous.

I still don’t understand “hungry” I’ve just met “curious” and “try”.

I’m afraid I’m riding a fast train to obesity.

Today.

I.

Am.

SCARED!

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11 thoughts on “Having a trying morning

  1. Stay strong love! I’ve only discovered your blog not too long ago, but from the posts I’ve read it sounds as if you came a long way and are doing great. Keep your head held high, you can do this! Try to stay in the day! 🙂

  2. Today is just that. A moment in time. Of course your mind is scrambling with all kinds of thoughts on this day. This day has been a long time coming. You are NOT scared! You’re doing what any young person SHOULD do. Trying to weigh the pros and cons of going out on your own. It’s not fear. It’s using your brain to understand that you’re doing everything right today.
    You won’t be alone. Sometimes the human company we keep, is lonelier than being alone. You have your work, (now) within walking distance, all your outside after work activities. Special chosen people and family to give you the human companionship you’ll need. Just think how nice it will be to come home to your OWN place being greeted by Avery. Not having to explain your days or entertain folks if you don’t feel like being social or bothered.

    Don’t worry about getting or not getting the apartment today. When and if you’re accepted, you can make your decision then. You’ll have had a few more days to mull over pros and cons.
    Sometimes being rushed into a decision works out best, or we never act on them. You can always change your mind if you don’t think your ready. Personally, I think your ready. Your thought patterns have turned so positive these past two weeks. Don’t let the negativity back in. Only listen to YOUR positive voices and your very special longtime BFF’s words of wisdom.
    You CAN and WILL do this.

  3. As I understand it, Ana will always be a part of you. Sometimes Ana will be louder than others. Today, Ana is loud, you are scared, and that all makes perfect sense. The important thing here is you know you. You can say what you are thinking and how you are feeling and that you are scared. The fact that you can do all those things shows you are making progress. But it will never be perfect, and it may swing back and forth for awhile. We are all here for you. We will not tire. We love you.

  4. Firstly, from what I have read (although I may be completely wrong) I feel your situation before is probably going to be very much the same as moving out by yourself but without two annoying people nagging at you and telling you you’re doing things wrong. If you move out, you get rid of your silly roommate voice. Then you only have to deal with the annoying voice in your head. It won’t get louder just because you lost the other annoying voice. Your attention to it may just change. So just remember it is no more powerful than before. You just might be looking at it different. It’s not stronger than you are, but we do get tired sometimes. Lucky you have so many great people around you.

    Secondly, you’re not going to become obese. Believe me. I ate 3 meals a day for five days this week and they was ASIAN sized meals! I thought I’d gain like 4kg. I gained about 0.5kg. Food doesn’t make you fat. It speeds up your metabolism and takes you to your body’s healthy set-point which is never obese. You have to work pretty hard on eating A LOT of crap to get obese. Contrary to what a lot of the population thinks, you don’t just accidentally become obese. You have to be able to eat A LOT and eat it VERY carelessly. Which you are not in the least. And you have a tonne of people looking after you. It won’t be an issue. Promise.

    I understand how you feel though. Because I feel EXACTLY the same after coming back from the monastery and back in an environment where I can starve myself without any limit or interference. It’s scary because you found this other part of life that doesn’t make you argue with your brain as much and gives you a fuller sort of happiness, and you don’t want to lose it. However, I think one thing you can always count on is your friends and family. In your posts they all seem like such amazing people. You are not being as annoying as you may think you are, and I’m sure they won’t give up on you. Try not to worry to much. I know you will anyway : P

    • I have reread this so many times since you sent it. It is so perfect. I love how you can encourage me to do things while I know you are doing the opposite… But I can go to your blog and do the same thing.

      I am lucky to have amazing people supporting me. I have them because I asked, I say, “I have anorexia, but I’m working really hard. I torture myself daily, and can’t just eat a sandwich. I am not vain or superficial, but I am a control freak and a perfectionist. Anorexia is serious, 20% die. I know it’s hard to understand, so, here is a link to my blog, is what it’s like for me.” It’s vulnerable and frightening to share something so personal, but I’ve been able to educate and build awareness. No one has been ugly or judgmental after reading.

      I know your access to professional and social resources is limited at the moment. Plus, we live on different continents, and are guided by different cultures. Everyday I wish for boatloads of Cheerios to find their way to you!

      I wish you were studying Mickey Mouse instead if Chinese. I’d scoop you up and feed you to my cheering squad.

      • It’s actually a big thing. They have a huge college program. I’d also teach you about coffee creamer.

      • :O You got me at coffee creamer!
        now how to explain to everyone I want to go to the states to learn about mickey and coffee creamer? hehehe.

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