I’m having a hard time today.
I always know, the minute I wake up.
It’s confusing. So many changes, my perspective is shifting so rapidly, and I’m having a hard time orienting.
Brains and I are on a break. I’m afraid that might be a mistake. I don’t have very much confidence in myself today, and I am scared. My primary goal, from the minute I decided to change my situation and get healthy, has been survival. 6 months ago, that meant living in a crap situation, in favor of the much needed support from Brains.
In this moment, reprieve from my current environment is paramount. EVERYTHING, including time with Brains, is secondary to moving me and Avery to a place where we can experience safety, stability and independence. I’m afraid we aren’t ready and more afraid of staying where we are. I’m afraid that we won’t get the apartment, and I’m afraid if we do.
I’m afraid of being there, without the professional support. I’m afraid of exhausting my poor dear friends.
I’m afraid that the chiro will stop working.
I’m afraid that the Ana voice will take over again… She still there. And still loud, sometimes. I’m afraid her familiarity will become too enticing beside all of the newness of living alone for the first time and sole responsibility for the lives of my dog, and myself.
I am still me.
I have an eating disorder.
I feel humongous.
I still don’t understand “hungry” I’ve just met “curious” and “try”.
I’m afraid I’m riding a fast train to obesity.