I like it hot and giggly

Today was all about malfunction (right up till yoga time anyway).

Avery and I woke up early and had lots of time to play which was nice. I made a great green smoothie, collected my jars and was totally psyched for an awesome day.

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Kiwi, banana, mango, coconut, spinach, kale and hemp seed smoothie… YUM! Hummus with celery for snack, and I usually get sushi after the chiropractor too. It was the makings for totally perfect yoga!

Except… I got to work, stuck my smoothie in the freezer for a minute, since the ninja tends to make it kinda warm and I no longer use gel cups! I checked my e-mail and took care of a few things, then went back to retrieve my breakfast… And immediately came completely undone.

I know that I don’t get hungry. I know that hungry or not, I eat on the schedule. I know what to do when that is difficult. I took a break then tried again, I tried eating something different, wallwalking, inverting, hiding in the bathroom, sitting by the lake. I gave a solid effort, but simply could not get the job done this morning.

Normal people skip breakfast sometimes, right? Normal is the goal, right? Maybe it’s ok, just this once, right??? Even if it’s not… Too late. *shrug*

I left work to go get adjusted. Turns out, I did a pretty impressive job on hip. She was like “Dang, girl! I bet that hurts!” Um, ya. You could say that. My c2 held though, and it was 10 days instead of 7! My knees, and shoulders were ok. My ribs, wrists and elbows were out, but not nearly as much as as usual and went right back in. She asked if I wanted to try for 14 days, but I said I was too scared.

During the meeting with the dietitian, we discussed my excessively loose joints and she suggested that better nutrition could lead to improved functioning. I thought that was kind of nuts, my joints just pop out, that’s the way I am. Lo and behold, leave her in charge for 10 days and suddenly Dr. J has nothing to rearrange.

Since deferring all food related decision making has obviously been a monumental success… I decided to do something really brave!

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Alvarado Street bread, vegan cheese and tomato.

I don’t know it it was MV, or eating something new, or what… But it took every little bitty drop of self control and determination not to vomit. I held on to my desk and did not let go. As long as I was connected I couldn’t accidentally run to the bathroom.

Yoga was amazing though. Once again, I opened up my big mouth before thinking, and told one of my studio lizards “oh. I have a food/yoga blog.” Whoops, it’s also where I channel all my crazy and store my secrets. She was really nice about it though. So, welcome Lizard.

It really doesn’t get any more yoga-riffic than tonight. The Lizard and I set up in our favorite corner, warmed up, discussed boogers, kitties and lamented the podium’s lack of tissues. She said she’d be counting on the Lizzy Committee to make it through class. No problemo chica! We swapped tongue faces in Eagle. She said “I hate you right now” coming out of standing head to knee, I giggled. We fell out of standing bow together and cracked up. The guy beside us cracked up. The teacher cracked up. She said its good when you can laugh at yourself. Then the guy started belching (I couldn’t hear him, Lizard told me after class) and the teacher said “whatever you ate, don’t tomorrow.”

Hi folks, meet your front row, two laughing lizards and Mr. Burpy.

It’s been farrrrr too long since I’ve had silly yoga. Tonight was perfect.

Now it’s time to plan jars! What should we eat this week, folks??

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An entirely different kind of freaking out!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!

I came out of toe-stand WITHOUT HANDS for the first time EVERRRRR tonight!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen, guys, I’ve been working on this for more than half my life!!! I grew up practicing at the most amazing studio. No, really, it’s just not your average Bikram experience. The owner, her dad and sister are all teachers, and the entire studio simply buzzes with this overwhelming sense of love and encouragement. They started showing me this one within my first year of practicing. Going down without hands has never been an issue. I can go down straight without bending at the waist too, but that weirds some teachers out, so I generally don’t.

As far as coming up… You know how teachers can sometimes see things building before we fully experience it? They’ve seen something in this transition for the past 15 years- the teachers from my home studio, local teachers, visiting teachers, posture clinics over and over and over people have seen this building, ready, rightthere, yet I have NEVER managed to master the execution!

Then BAM tonight, both sets!!! And the teacher missed them both!

I totally threw myself a yoga party in the mirror!

I’ve been eating. It’s like a non-issue. I had to take a break from recording, but I guarantee I’ve been close to the target number for the past several days. It’s a huge, terrifying number, and the mirror keeps screaming that I’m fat.

So be it.

It’s hard to hate on a body that can do such amazing things. In the past two weeks:
• I’ve started coming out of standing head to knee with control (not consistently, but it’s happening)
• I’m holding all 4 standing bows for all/most of the dialogue
• quit faking/half-assing through stick
• finally figured out how to get my elbows to my shins without falling on my face in head to floor
• stopped skipping triangle
• TOE TO TREE WITHOUT HANDS!!!!
• locust (3rd part)- one of these days I’ll get to the other side… But for now, I stay in the whole time.
• floor bow- it’s gonna happen y’all.
• full camel- I can see my freaking toes! I just have to get brave enough to go for it! I sooooo despise being reprimanded for trying. The teacher tonight flashed me some thumbs up after 2nd set. I doubt she’d mind if I tried.

So. Fat or not. I love yoga, and I’m proud of myself!

Especially tonight. I haven’t seen Dr. J in 10 days! Today I propped my computer up, and worked standing because my hips and shoulders hurt too much for sitting. I absolutely did NOT expect to bust out with an awesome practice!

I <3 yoga

Did I eat today? I think so.
Water? Definitely not enough
Was my job fulfilling and enjoyable? Doubt it…

But who really cares!?

I love yoga!

It was hot

Kate was teaching.

I love her. She is intense, fierce, and has so much experience looking at bodies and knowing just how hard she can push. It’s impossible to take her class without improving.

She was NOT impressed by the Lizzy Committee, however! My yoga buddies and I do this tongue thing, whenever class starts getting too intense. If we notice each other struggling, or self mean muggin’ in the mirror, we catch eyes, make a face and stick out out tongues. It’s almost always enough to snap out of whatever internal roadblock has us snared up. It’s only yoga, right? Gotta keep things in perspective!

Anyhow, Kate caught one of these Lizzy Committee exchanges, and said something about it. After class, we explained what we were doing, and that the face wasn’t directed at her. The best part was… As soon as we finished telling her about it another Lizzy Committee yoga buddy walked in to take the next class, and immediately, without knowing, walked in an stuck her tongue out at us!!!!

I had some major Fat Yoga. But I told MV to shove it and quit being distracting. I got a smile after coming out of standing head to knee with control for the second time ever! I got a “very nice” during standing bow- radical change from “where’s your head!?” And/or “fix those crazy fingers!” (Usually both) I can’t wait to tell Dr. J! Floor bow got a wink and a nod… Since she didn’t explain to me yet again how to move in 3 different directions simultaneously, I took that to mean all body parts were properly aimed and the only thing left to do is let it come together.

Last night I made the most amazing chili!!! Remember, how when I planed for the week, I put down “single serving chili recipe”? Well…. Um, it didn’t have enough veggies for my liking. By the time I added fresh jalapeños, chili peppers, tomatoes, celery, carrots, squash, zucchini, onions, shallots, lentils, black beans, and quinoa, it became chili for 20!

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Of course, I masonized it.

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Today, during practice, my sweat felt like setting fire to every tiny scrape and paper cut it on my body!!!!

The consensus from the people around me, is that I’m awesome, and doing much better… But shouldn’t still be quite so terrified of pasta and whatnot. So we hatched a plan!!!!

I’m gonna go visit Super Cuz. She’s gonna be the boss, and swears that she’ll be able to hold her own against whatever kind of psychotic freakout MV throws her way. She’s pretty badass… If anyone can do that, It’s my cousin. I think it’s pretty comical that we are planning a trip to see someone I adore with the intent of INTENTIONALLY fighting! No idea when… EITF. I just thing is wonderful and funny.

Also, I want garlic bread… I’ll figure out how to do that within my rules. It’s gonna be epic. Stay tuned.

Easy!

Today was easy.
It was in no way exceptional, except for the part where, no freaking out took place.

I was running a little behind this morning and extremely nervous, because the project I’ve been working on for the past several weeks was going to be supposed to be reviewed today. I brought a banana to eat in the car, a pumpkin maple tempeh thingy for breakfast at work, and hummus with veggies for lunch/snack.

I had a hard time convincing myself to eat breakfast at my desk today… I was afraid the corporate guy would show up while I was busy stuffing my face with weird vegan eating disorder-y food and think I was nuts. I ended to taking it into the bathroom to eat it. Yeah, I know, that’s kinda gross. But it’s important to maintain these schedules, because I still have no reliable sense of “hungry”. I did what I had to do- although I’m not really sure which is more disordered- restricting, or hiding in the company bathroom to eat.

At 12:30 I went outside to have my hummus and veggies by the lake. There was absolutely no crying or anxiety involved. I was just kinda mad that I hadn’t brought more celery. Having hummus (that actually tasted like its supposed to), was comfortable, soothing, almost. Having an eating disorder makes travel challenging. In Israel, I ate only hummus, I did not try a single other food while I was there (for several weeks). I ate hummus and pita without counting calories or setting limits. I ate as much as I wanted, enjoyed it, had tons of energy, and was really very content the entire time. That’s what snack today was like; relaxing, enjoyable, energizing.

Yoga was easy. Nothing super exciting happened. I got sweaty, but the heat and humidity were mild for a Bikram class. I don’t mind that, occasionally. I was stiff from driving and working long hours and eating too much. I can feel my joints out and was far less flexible than most days. I did every set and had a good time though. I would have stayed for doubles…. Except….

(I know excuses are like butt holes… Hear me out)

While shopping over the weekend, I picked up a new “costume” (sports bra/shorts in Bikram speak) at Justice. I tried it on, jumped on the trampoline, put my feet over my head and did some back bending (not simultaneously!) to test it out. I freaking love Justice- and have no shame saying as much. They seriously make the softest, smoothed, most best feeling clothes ever on the planet. My new costume was no exception. Frequently, by the end of class my shoulders and collar bones have been rubbed raw under the straps. This top was soooo soft and flexible, it added no pressure or friction.

Unfortunately, I don’t think fancy name brand workout clothes for little girls are designed to power through a Bikram style drenching. The shorts rolled up and I was forced to spend a great deal of time doing some very un-Bikram wedgie pickin. The top seemed to grow and grow and grow under the weigh of my sweat. I was constantly picking, pulling, twisting and adjusting trying to keep my cheeks and boobs covered.

I still love top. I will buy it in a smaller size and try again soon.

Jars…

Today was kind of rough, following my drunken adventures in eating like a normal person last night.

I woke up feeling like I drank too much.

Plus, fat, ashamed, guilty, angry, terrified because I didn’t follow the new food plan, and I don’t break rules!

I had an extremely hard time dealing with food and almost didn’t make any jars for the week.

I didn’t set up any summer porridge or fix any dinners.

I just made hummus

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It came out pretty darn close to the real thing, definitely better than the weird grocery store stuff.

Yesterday morning, I made pumpkin, maple, tempeh cakes, and have plenty left still, so breakfast tomorrow is covered.

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These were just ok yesterday when I made them, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, they were AMAZING this morning!

I steamed the tempeh (organic non-GMO, of course!) then put it in the blender with half a can of pumpkin and enough almond milk to get the blender going, then I added maple syrup- I didn’t measure but it wasn’t excessive, just enough for flavor, then applesauce for sweetness. It was very sweet, but kind of unexciting. So I added some chopped onion, crushed red pepper and pumpkin pie spice, which made for a really dynamic taste. Then I took the blade out and stirred in hemp, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, so they stayed whole, because I thought that’d look cute. I made balls and tried cooking in the skillet, but they fell apart, so I added coconut flour and baking powder then tried again. It worked, but next time I’d save the hassle and just bake them in the oven.

Remember, I said I had one more fun thing planned…?

It’s for goal #2 about creating more positive feelings towards food and while eating

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POSITIVE AFFIRMATION STICKERS!

I also tried to bring the snack/lunch time anxiety down, by making it colorful and fun.

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Celery, sweet pepper rainbow skewers!!

These look SO pretty in the textured jars!

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(I stickerized the big jars, after taking the picture to show all pretty colors)

There was a lot of space on the sides, so I added a few sunflower seeds and 3 cashews to the big jars.

Buzzed and bendy

Yeah.

You read that right.

She’s drunk.

AND

She had pizza- the regular kind, stuffed mushrooms, cheese, pasta, mashed potatoes, dinner roll, macaroni and cheese, cake, sweet tea, and tons more wine.

She gonna wake up sicky.

Getting ready for the week

I’m working on the whole food thing. I’ve shared the goals created with the RD, and often discuss my jars. But I’ve never really shared an entire week’s food plan or anything about the process and how it comes together.

I am changing that right now. I think it will help my with accountability, serve as a valuable reference/benchmark in the future, and maybe, hopefully support, help and inspire others with food problems.

My jar system is no doubt a work in progress right now, but its fun, creative, environmentally sound, and perfect for me, in this moment. I’m proud of my ingenuity, and want to document this process as it evolves.

So. Here goes!

To review- the goals set with the RD

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I was also given a solid list of snack/lunch ideas- many of which contained some element of fear foods to varying degrees.
• bread- this is a huge one, due to carbs, calories, processed-ness
• granola- close second to bread, due to calories, fat and sugar. It’s also crunchy, and supposed to go in yogurt, thus becoming a mixed texture which is my #1 ultimate food objection.
• musli- I don’t like it because I don’t know what it is
• trail mix- calories, sugar, crunchy, and unsorted!
• hummus- I actually love hummus… Just not the American, grocery store kind. Israeli hummus is amazing though. I’m pretty sure that had I gotten scraped while in Israel I’d have bled chickpeas.
• hot chocolate and toast- because it’s a weird combination, bread, and it is 100 degrees outside right now.
rice cakes with vegan butter AND vegan cheese– never mind. This my new favorite food.
* yogurt- my issue with yogurt is not eating disorder derived, it comes from something silly that my dad said to me when I was little. I like yogurt, but can’t consistently eat it.

Last week I took on the rice cakes with butter and cheese. I ate brought yogurt to work. And ate yogurt at home.

This week, I am going to work on hummus. I spent several hours reading reviews from Israelis, of hummus recipes made with readily available American ingredients, and found one that’s supposed to be as close as possible to the real thing. If that’s true, I will be over the moon!

For breakfasts:
• continue with the cold oatmeal, with a side note to prepare more jars at a time, because no matter how much I promise myself I will I do not make jars mid-week.
• lentil brownies- I start with this recipe then:
– vegan-ize with coconut yogurt, almond milk, and half a can of rinsed black beans for the egg
– replace the oats with lentil flour (just run dried lentils through your coffee grinder)
– use 1/2 cup dates and 1/2 cup organic certified non-GMO sugar, instead of the white sugar
– I don’t use peanut butter, just because I don’t have a way to melt it.
– this week I plan to add some unsweetened coconut flakes to the batter, and maybe some chopped nuts.
tempeh cakes with pumpkin and maple- this is an idea inside my head at the moment. I’ll let you know how it works out

For lunch/snack:
• hummus with veggie sticks- these will be sweet peppers and celery. I don’t eat raw carrots.
• vegan rice cake triple stack- my new love
almonds and grapes

For dinners:
Last week I did horrible in the dinner department and my yoga suffered immensely.
• lentil stuffed pepper- 1 jar left from this week
• chili- based loosely on this, using lentils, quinoa, and remaining black beans after making the brownies. Plus adding way more vegetables.
Peanut Butter “pasta”- but on tempeh, and no broccoli because I hate it. But I’ll add other veggies… Whatever is around.

I am working on improving protein intake using tempeh, nuts/seeds, peanut butter, quinoa and almond butter. I italicized those items in my weekly plan. I’m not too sure about seeds…

P.S- I personally think lentils will be the next big superfood rage. They are ridiculously cheap, have virtually no taste which makes them quite diverse, and they blow quinoa out of the water in the protein department.

I’ve got one more amazing thing in the works for next week, but you’re gonna have to wait! 😉