It’s so very easy to get off track.
So simple to lose my footing. Lose ground. Lose control. Lose weight.

This week was so full of healthy food, and amazing yoga… Until I missed breakfast, then dinner… Then woke up and ate all the grapes in the fridge at 3am. Then fell back asleep, dreamed about burritos, bit my hand, then missed breakfast again, ate dinner but cried about it.

I missed yoga today, because I forgot to pack clothes.

The situation in my office keeps getting worse. I hate it. Corporate HR is coming into town for a meeting next Thursday… But I’m not feeling very confident. I know I am right- on paper, anyway. But I’m so afraid that trying to stick up for myself will cost me my job. I’m afraid they’ll say the only option is FMLA- which is dumb, I’m asking for 30 MINUTES of flexibility, not incapable of working. I’m afraid of not being able to stay here if that happens. I’m afraid of being coerced into giving up on myself, when things were finally starting to work.

I have relentless tinnitus lately and want to vomit.

I have an appointment with a dietitian on Tuesday… That I had to beg for. She does not work with “active anorexia” as she put it. Only people who were formerly anorexic, but are now overweight. I swore my days as slave to the MV were past, that I just wanted to make sure I was doing it right BEFORE ending up overweight. Which was true at the time… Until I missed breakfast at work. Now I’m afraid she’ll refuse to help me.

I’m afraid of everything.

And food.


So very backwards.


3 thoughts on “Messy

  1. Just be honest.
    And don’t give up on yourself! It’s 30mins! They have no grounds to classify you as incapable if you’re only asking for 30 mins! and you do your job properly anyway.
    And about the dietician, all you can do is go in positively, maybe the only reason she doesn’t work with “active anorexia” is because people are usually pushed into treatment and don’t want to be there, which can make it hard when they don’t comply at all. I think if you show your willingness to listen to her she will be helpful. In the least, she can point you in the right direction if it doesn’t turn out as either of you expected.

  2. #1 – You’re right. You have the right to ask for 30 minutes a week. Being your own advocate is terribly hard. We’re with you.

    #2 – The dietitian – This is at least a foot in the door, and if she doesn’t feel qualified then I bet she can give you a nice insider referral to someone who would be perfect. You’re only a few steps into this journey (even if it feels like a billion miles) and you have to find your pace and balance (and that’s likely going to be a second by second experience – and THAT’S OKAY). Annoying and totally frustrating, I know, but still okay.

    Keep writing, keep communicating, get that shit out. You can do this.

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