I should throw away my WHAT????

Whoops. I haven’t written anything in forever! Maybe because Six is no good with blogging?? Or just busy all weekend… Probably more busy, than anything.

This weekend was kinda hard. I was still all messed up from the breakfast disaster. I knew I had the RD appointment on Tuesday, so I didn’t want to plan too much for the week, then have everything change. At the same time, I was terrified of starting the week without any prep. I ended up with all kinds of random produce, and no real direction. Oh, and I accidentally went home with the most amazing thing from Whole Foods!!!

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Miracle noodles and Teese! Vegan, GF, 45 calories/serving… And so freaking amazing!!! By far the best vegan cheese I’ve ever met! And there’s no beer (Leigh)!

I was curious about fennel.

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So I roasted some, with pears.
This was confusing for me… I’m not really sure where I stand with this one. It looks like onion, but tastes sweet. My mind thought “hmm. This would be good on top of ice cream.” Of course, I don’t eat ice cream… And logic says there is just something fundamentally problematic with putting veggies on ice cream. So. I have fennel. I don’t hate it. But that’s about as far as I’ve gotten with that one.

I made kale chips. Yum. I have a small pan, and could only fit about 2 leaves at a time… Then, I decided I should eat all the pieces when they came out every time, because I couldn’t figure out what to put them in. Eventually, I realized I was being incredibly ridiculous and that thought process was extremely disordered. So I stopped.

I roasted some eggplant too. It was horrible.

Sunday, I could have gotten organized. That could have been smart. But I’m not always very smart. So I went down to surprise my mom for Mother’s Day. We argued a little, because I refused to eat cake, or drink from a can. I told her about the fennel and asked why we never tried different foods. She told me she “doesn’t like fennel because it has a weird name and looks like sausage.” I told her it looks like onion, but tastes like it needs ice cream. She said everything I eat is gross. Yeah. excellent. That’s exactly what I need to hear. Thanks, mom. Then her and TT took a nap.

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I played with Friday ❤ ❤

Then drove home.

I didn't do any preparing for the week when I got home either. I bought rainbow chard because it was local and pretty and I liked the name (oh geez, judging the food by the name….? I think we have a bit of a crisis here! You know, that whole apple-tree thing). I can't figure out what to do with it though.

Today, was the appointment with the dietitian. It was about 7 billion times LESS horrible than I was expecting! She even said "eventually. In the future…"!!!! And she's not a Bikram yogi! I decided that is definitely a sign that I found the right person! She admitted to being nervous, and reading up on anorexia prior to our meeting. She had obviously done her homework well, and did a great job anticipating the things that I get hung up on.

In the big picture, I knew what she was going to say… I need to eat more total, and more often. This is not surprising. My logical self knows that, Brains and Gebi both said the same thing. It’s common sense, really. But not something I have been capable of achieving so far. Eating mid-day is big big big for me. And terrifying. Which she realized very quickly. She had also already figured out, through her research, that anorexia loves rules, structure, rigidity, etc. Having an objective is critical for me, because it re-defines “success” and moves the focus away from the numbers. So we made new Ana-proof (if that’s possible) rules that are V*E*R*Y specific. She’s going to send me the notes from today via e-mail, so I’ll wait until then.

We talked numbers, iPhone apps- I said that MFP can easily become obsessive and detrimental if I think too much about it. At the same time, it is helpful since I don’t get hungry (with any kind of regularity) and physically can’t eat intuitively. Instead, I’m going to try a kind of cause and effect journaling thing, with one column for what I ate, and one column for the kind of yoga it made.

Even though I was super nervous, I was honest. Anorexia is extremely limiting; socially, physically, internally. I know that. I can see it, and it’s soooo frustrating. After today, I feel more confident than I have in months.

She was compassionate enough to learn how anorexia works. I say, think, and do horrible things sometimes- without being a horrible person.

She was perceptive enough to feel out the limits as to where I am in this moment and start there.

And, she is creative enough to find ways to push those limits without inducing mass freakout which would bring progress to a screeching halt.

OH! And she said to find a fat friend, and give away my scale. Hands down, the scariest thing she said the whole time. I said I’d try. Or I’d think about it… Something like that. But I probably won’t… Just this weekend, I was convinced I needed a 2nd scale, you know, to make sure mine wasn’t lying. So, maybe for right now, we’ll just throw out the thought of that second scale. And keep mine.

I am happy.

Of course, I was nervous this morning and didn’t have breakfast. So, I’m about to practice on empty… We’ll get started with all this new stuff tomorrow.

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3 thoughts on “I should throw away my WHAT????

  1. Ha! Can I be your fat friend? It’s funny – it took me a while to follow your blog because your posts were so triggering to me and I wondered if me bitching about how being fat in yoga is hard would trigger YOU. Our BMIs are about a million miles apart. 🙂 As it turns out, I feel compassion for you (not self-loathing for me) and I can only hope that the same goes for you.

    I’m SO GLAD your appointment went well. Look at how nervous she must have been to do so much research! That’s so wonderful.

    xoxo

    • Honestly. I love everyone who does yoga and it’s extremely rare that I notice anyone’s weight but my own.

      I love this yoga because we are all, perpetual beginners. We all face our flaws and insecurities in the mirror. We see all the work still left to do. We notice things in the people around us that we wish we had. We sweat, grunt, strain, hurt, push, progress, regress, change. It’s amazing, and wonderful and universal to every person at every stage in their practice.

      The hot room is where shit gets real. How many people do you know who deliberately balance on one locked leg for 60 seconds at 105 degrees. Not just once, but 4 times on each side, then again for 10 more seconds twice on each side. That by itself is pretty badass.

      So no, nothing that you ever write is ever triggering. I just love you for sharing this crazy addiction.

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