Cause/Effect 5/16/13 (and HR update)

I think, if today was a school student, I would give it a C.

Going back to The Cup and resetting was good. I had breakfast, and I ate the entire lunch/snack jar! 🙂

Awesome, right? Mostly.

Of course, you know what I did, don’t you? Same thing I did when I was learning to eat dinner… I halved my breakfast.

I might have enjoyed the snack, maybe. The almonds were a tiny bit stale, but I kind of liked them better that way- less crunchy.

I continued to feel dehydrated/headachy all day and drank 5000 ml of water, an emergen-c packet and a nuun tab.

** I was going to post numbers here, but decided maybe I should stop doing that. Let’s just say… The bottom line today was ugly. But I ate 3 meals and didn’t puke. So we’ll call it a tentative win.

I was happy with my yoga. Mentally, I had a kick ass practice- lots of self love, classmate love, yoga love. The good stuff.

Physically. It was meh. My stomach hurt a little. I have been extremely stiff in the mid spine all week- which is a bit unusual for me but who knows. I’m still convinced my left hip/SI is out. And I was reallllly dizzy throughout the standing series. However, I think it might be an inner ear issue more than a food issue and related to all of the tinnitus lately. Once we got to the floor, and I didn’t have to try to balance I hit the yoga zone. Everything just felt GOOD!!!

And I sure needed it, after the crazy HR meeting today! No hat, no scarf (well, I can have a scarf around my neck but not on my head), ear muffs are grey area- no one has ever asked to wear them inside the building before. Blankets, snuggies and space heaters are all acceptable options. My gloves are also acceptable. The only way to get the time off for appointments is intermittent FMLA. I was pissed at first, but actually think that will be ok. It just takes a long time to set up and I can’t take time off until it’s done… Which is kinda scary. But when it is, Dr. J will be covered, if I get freaky mid-week I’ll be able to schedule a last minute appointment without creating drama at work, any other appointments will be covered, zen tangle, late due to breakfast freak out and I would have been able to go home to eat the day the microwave broke without getting in trouble. Once it’s set up, I think it’ll be a good thing.

The HR person said to me “wow! You are super tiny!” Which was odd. I also got the feeling she was a little bit laughing at me the whole time. Anorexia is so misunderstood! Honestly, I don’t much care what she thinks. I know the truth. I know that if I could “just get better” I would have done it years ago. I know that I am doing everything I can to change my life.


2 thoughts on “Cause/Effect 5/16/13 (and HR update)

  1. Shunryu Suzuki was a zen master who founded the San Francisco Zen Center (first Buddhist monastery outside of Asia.) He said, You are perfect just the way you are; and you could use some improvement. Zen masters talk that way. This could be said of anyone. There is an absolute level where perfection is, and that applies to us all. And there is the everyday, human level where we all could use a little work. It’s part of the human condition that we have a hard time appreciating what the other person is going through. That leads to people feeling smug, getting down on each other, blah, blah, blah. We act like we know who everybody is just by appearances. That’s very superficial, and changeable. That view is not worthless, but it really isn’t worth all that much and it causes a lot of problems. We can get better at seeing ourselves and seeing each other, and when we do we begin to see a bit of that deeper perfection. Not easy, but it can be done. And it is most important that we begin with ourselves and begin to see the beauty and perfection that we are. That gives us the base to work from in seeing the beauty in others. I know you have a lot of struggle around food, and that gives others a way to identify you. And sometimes maybe you identify yourself that way, too. But of course that really isn’t who you are. I can see from your writing that your struggle often leads you inward toward your true self. That’s the value of struggle. I hope you find peace, Teenie – I hope we all do. But right now, I like you just the way you are.

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