I think I am sucking at this whole independent thing.

I forgot to feed Avery on Tuesday.

Last night found hours and hours and hours of trampolining, planking and blocking.

Today, I decided to start panicking about lunch. Before even getting to breakfast… Which was also a fiasco.

Yesterday, I only drank half of the smoothie I’d made, so I left my cup at work to have for breakfast today- there was nothing in it that would get gross overnight.

I’ve been living here, by myself, for about a month now (I think), and have never gotten mailbox keys, despite stopping by the office on multiple occasions always to be told “come back tomorrow”. I ordered water kefir grains on Amazon, and got a delivery confirmation via e-mail yesterday afternoon. Since there wasn’t a package notification on my door, I assumed it was in my mailbox. So, I e-mailed the office saying that I’ve been asking for weeks and still can’t check my mailbox which now contains something perishable, to please have them ready, I would be stopping by on my lunch break, which is very short, and, if fir some reason, they still couldn’t produce keys to my mailbox, then I expected them to at least retrieve my mail for me. The assistant manager wrote back that she’d do it when the mailman came. I asked what time that would be, and got this snarky reply, just as I was sitting down at my desk with my cup.


One of the new rules we made up on Tuesday is that “Lunch/snack is at noon”. I panicked. I had planned to get something from home when I went to get my mail. But if the mail didn’t happen until 2, then lunch would be late. We made no provisions in the rules for schedule mishaps… Probably because I can’t deal with schedule mishaps. I couldn’t figure out what to do, or who I could ask. SC is on vacation and in a different time zone and just really didn’t need to be sweeping up my crazy first thing in the morning. I considered e-mailing the RD, she’d said that was ok, but she doesn’t always write back immediately, and has probably never tried to reason with MV logic. Therefore, an 8:30am e-mail saying something along the lines of “I might not be able to get my mailbox until 2 o’clock!!!” Would have been completely mystifying to someone who didn’t already know that I can’t ask for help directly when the MV is in control, or how to connect a cryptic panicked message to the actual question. I contemplated e-mailing Brains, but I’m not still her mess to tend to. I even briefly considered asking my boss when she came up to see if I was ok because I was breathing so heavy and drumming my fingers so hard that I broke a nail. “Breakfast.” I answered and pointed to The Cup, “it’s pink.” I added.

Some how, the declaration that my cup is pink, was enough to shake off the potential lunch timing crisis and focus on breakfast.

I was hungry. I wanted to drink it. I was determined to do things right today… But, instead, I just got up and poured the whole thing down the sink. I still don’t know why.

She ended up e-mailing right at 11:55 that my mailbox was ready. Yay! Lunch would be mostly on time. I left immediately, grabbed my keys from the office, ran upstairs for a jar, then to my mailbox….

Which was EMPTY!

I went back to the office, told her it was empty. She got mad, said shed told him to leave the mail, just change the lock. She called the post office to find out what happened. He took the mail. I could pick it up after 2pm… But I was on my lunch NOW! She said she’d walk next door and get it after 2, and put it right inside my apartment.

I went back to work, and ate my jar- the rest of the stuffed pepper. It tasted fantastic again (sometimes I don’t like things twice). But I freaked out after eating, heart racing, hands sweating OMG I have to MOVE, why did I eat that?! Overwhelming guilt/and anxiety. I worked standing up, and did squats until I could go on break. A leisurely walk, fresh air and some wallwalking was enough to calm down.

After work, I decided to rescue my little water grains and plan my week. I practically ran up the stairs I was so excited… Looked around… NO MAIL! I took Avery out to potty, then ran back to the office.

I stopped to admire this guy along the way.


When i walked in she said “oh, I haven’t had time to go get your mail, but you’ve had a package up here the whole time.”


So. I got my grains. Now they are busy gr


And I’m supposed to be planning for the week. But there is NOTHING that I want. I’ve been trying for hours and my sheet is completely blank.

I am suddenly doing things that are a million steps backwards and can’t figure out why!


3 thoughts on “Overwhelmed

  1. You can’t make the stuff up… Can’t wait to hear about the water grains. BTW, I don’t care where I am, what I’m doing, or what time zone I’m in. You know how to find me if you need me. The ringer might be off or the phone might not be on me, but I will be there for you as soon as I see the text. I’m on vacation from the circus, not my loved ones!

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