Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?
Well, obviously, I don’t eat cake for one thing.
Why can’t I have skinny yoga that’s fun too?
I get confused…
It’s hard work, being anorexic. There are so many numbers to keep track of, and constant internal arguing and bargaining, restricting, worrying about people, feeling dizzy, tired, frozen, and disconnected. But it’s easy to listen to MV. She is very enticing, and always there, and I never have to worry that she gets tired of me. Everything is safe, and organized and powerful- watch me do 3 hours of yoga on nothing more than a banana, I am awesome because I am in control and we are safe.
Recovery is hard work too. Every. Single. Day. I have to be stronger than MV. I have to eat, stay on the schedule, make decisions for myself (without consulting MV). I have to resist compulsions, experience things that are uncomfortable, accept fluctuations in weight, and practice fat yoga. It works though. Eventually. I think better, and connect with the people around me. My practice is stronger, and I laugh more.
It’s nice… Until everything becomes fat and chaotic. Then I need MV to restore order. I need to lose weight, and remember that food is for fueling NOT emotional dependence. It’s not a reward for doing something good, or consolation after a bad day, it’s not an appropriate resolution for boredom, and should never be done in excesses just for entertainment.
It’s scary when I find myself starting to think that way. It’s too out of control and not safe. Enjoyment is irrelevant.
Food makes yoga. That’s it.
Suffice it to say, I had fat and crappy yoga tonight. My left hip still hurts from the weekend, then I went to pull my elbows back in head to floor and my right hip popped! Everything felt red and tingly right after. I did all four sets of triangle, but they were horrrrible, and hurt so much, I cried! It’s a good thing everyone is dripping from everywhere by that point, so no one could tell!
Also, that new guy, the one I called “interesting” a few weeks ago? Yeah. He’s not. He’s just a creepy, obnoxious old man who screws up the entire dynamic in the room. The radius around his mat gets bigger daily. Everything about his practice is arrogant and self serving. Now, there’s nothing wrong with warming up before class. I do it. The lizards do it. The teachers and competitors do it. Bend, wallwalk, jump, spin, fart, whatever gets you pumped for class- go for it! But, it’s personal. Warm up for yourself, WITH yourself. Don’t be loud and dramatic just so people will look at you. Don’t stare, pet, or make gross faces at your classmates. It’s all very un-zen.
This yoga. It’s extremely personal. It works when you practice for yourself, while loving every person in the room.
This guy practices for everyone else, like a clown, while loving only himself. It’s challenging and confusing.
I need to work on staying within my own yoga island (mat), and remembering to “Let nothing steal my peace.” I think it’s interesting that the teacher on Friday said that during class, then Leigh chose THIS! as her Weekend Retro Throwback!
Clearly, The Universe is trying to pound this message into my thick skull right now.
Pumpkin/Parsnip oatmeal for breakfast!!! Holy cow! This was freakingggg amazinggggg!!!! Plus, everything was puréed (no fruit chunks), so, of course, I looooovvvved the texture. Musli and almond milk for snack. My internal dialogue is current discussing dinner. I’m not sure which side is winning yet.
Geez, that’s quite a bit of disconnected rambling! Oh well. Such are my post-practice thoughts.