Fat Lab

Is it possible that not knowing, is making me just as nuts as knowing would?

A L L I think about is fat.

Constantly!

I have googled every measurement based body fat percentage formula. I have looked at every chart I can find. I have been spending more time with my scale, than I have with my dog lately. Formulas are only predictions, impedance is not that accurate, underwater is best, but pinching is a cost effective alternative. Blah blah blah.

Inside, outside, upside down, everyone and everything are constantly reassuring; normal, NORMAL, NORMAL! but I can’t take it.

I want to know for sure!!!!!

I feel like I need to do the lab to prove that I’m ok, and normal, and stuff… But, clearly this preoccupation is NOT normal! Just like restricting, purging, and running the stairs (with my books and laptop) are NOT normal!

Either way I am completely and totally consumed by this stupid project.

I want to know!!!!!

Exposed.

I just walked into my other class. It’s a different stenographer, but the two are friends (they’ve told me, I’m not being nuts), and I’m convinced that #1 told #2.

Today, when I walked in, she wasn’t all “heyyyyy! How’s yoga!?” (She does hot, non-Bikram yoga), she just looked sad. Like I make her sad, because I’m dumb.

I even ate.

Yesterday…

I think?

Maybe the day before.

I did though. Recently.

Surprise bonus!

In addition to the body composition, we are also doing fitness testing… Cue flashbacks to elementary school Presidential Fitness Test. YUCK!

So, today we also did sit-ups and push-ups. I didn’t do the push-ups because it’s a lot of pressure on the shoulders, and if I’m going to go popping joints out, I’d rather do it in the hot room. I did, however, do the sit-ups… AND I was the only girl in class to fall into the “Excellent” category! I did more sit-ups than anyone!

This had surprising results during yoga. Every time I looked in the mirror and started to think “man, I hate my stomach.” I quickly reminded myself that there were “Excellent” abs in there somewhere, and they got that way through lots of good yoga, so I should focus on improving so I could try to beat the boys at the end of the semester. It ended up being super positive and motivating, especially at times where I would have sat down, just to take a break from looking at myself.

Part of me wants to argue that the fat lab could work the same way… But the honest part of me knows that everything I told the steno earlier was true, and I really don’t need those numbers.

Well, that was embarrassing…

Guess what!? The fat lab is STILL not done! We got started on it today, doing hip and waist measurements, and the electrical impedance calculation, but the calipers were once again postponed!

She started class with a long winded explanation about how she doesn’t care what category anyone falls into, all she cares is that we do the work. That was followed by an even longer tangent about how dangerous it is to be underweight, especially for women and no one was allowed to set lower than average body fat percentage goals.

Don’t look at me, I’m not allowed to participate, remember!?

The stenographer, well, she’s nice and all, but can be kinda nosy sometimes. For example, she always wants to know my test scores and how I did on papers and stuff. She is one of the main reasons I wanted to do the lab, and I have been trying to figure out how to deal with her, since finding out I couldn’t do the lab.

It went something like this:
Steno: she’s done talking, go get in a line!
Me: I’m done for the day.
Steno: no, everyone is getting measured and using that machine, just go get in a line.
Me: I’m not doing it, the teacher and I have already talked.
Steno: but WHY!?
Me: it’s embarrassing. I don’t want to talk about it.
Steno: just tell me!
Me: she said I can’t do it. That’s all.
Steno: but why not!?
Me: it’s hard to talk about. I just can’t.
Steno: are you… Like, on your period!?
Me: no!
Steno: then what is it!?
Me: fine. She’s concerned because I’ve recently gained 30 pounds.
Steno: so what? I’m dense. Help me out here.
Me: I just have issues, ok?
Steno: I don’t get it. Why can’t you do the lab?
Me: (exasperated, and about to cry) because I struggle with anorexia, that’s all!
Steno: so? I think you look really normal, why is this lab a problem?
Me: it just is. She is the one who decided I can’t do it. I wanted to.
Steno: but you look fine! So you should be able to do it.
Me: it’s just. Well… (Stalling, looking for words)
Steno: but you look healthy!
Me: I just have a hard time with numbers and stuff. It’s not a good idea.
Steno: do you think you are too fat!? Because I think you look fine. You should do the lab. Obviously, you’re ok now.
Me: it’s not up to me.
Steno: I’m sorry. I just don’t get it. You’re not still that way, because you look healthy.
Me: I set inappropriate goals. Ok? I can’t handle having those numbers because it’s too dangerous. It’s not about looks, it’s a real problem, that I’m really working on, and I have a lot if people helping me. I don’t get to make these decisions on my own because I am terrible at it!
Steno: so you mean, no matter what number she told you, you’d want to make it lower?
Me: something like that
Steno: but you look normal, and she just said you can’t set lower than average goals, so you should be fine.
Me: One, I lie. And two, I had no say in this.

Fortunately, class ended at that point.
But I have a feeling, this discussion might not be entirely over. She is the same stenographer who called me fat last semester.

BPA

No. Not that stuff in your water bottle. Bathroom Purgers Aplenty.

This is a frequent occurrence on campus. I mean, I do it at home. And I got caught at work a while back, which was embarrassing. But, to be living with MV so strongly in control, that you are purging in a busy public restroom… There is obviously a need for support and resources on campus here. And I want to do something.

If they were gay students crying for help in the bathroom I could go to the GSA website and “start a chapter” where is that for eating disordered students? Can’t we try to be proactive and get something going before a student dies? That’s be pretty cool.

I bet I could even get the fat lab teacher as a staff supporter. Her kids are still babies, but I can tell from the long argument about doing that lab, she understands MV. I’m not going to get away with anything in there.

Deep fried Oreos!?

My friend posted pictures of herself eating deep fried Oreos.

It’s so frustrating to me.

I ate a spinach salad tonight after two weeks of serious restricting to get ready for the fat lab (that I’m not allowed to do), and now I’m curled up in a ball, crying. I want to purge. Fighting it, big time.

Meanwhile, there are people out there who can just snarf up deep fried Oreos without having an anxiety attack over it.

Is it horrible to be jealous?