Unsettled

Anxiety steadily climbing.

I’m taking 3 classes right now.

One is on line, and I just found out it’s only an 8 week course… Which means lots of work! But it also means I’ll be finished quickly and have the rest of the semester to focus on the two longer, and in person, classes.

One class is humanities. Everything about it is stressful. The minute I walk in, my shoulders tense up and I grind my teeth. It’s only an hour, but I leave feeling completely exhausted. She repeats herself a lot, which, I can tell, drives the stenographer absolutely batty. She also spends a lot of time going over pronunciation, and will be like “everyone say da-da-da-sssss, feel your tongue?” I keep waiting for her to come at us with Popsicle sticks, or grab someone’s arm to tap out phonemes. I sit with my arms behind my back and never open my mouth. I have to remind myself to breathe a lot too. She also has a study guide, and a slide review, and captioned slides, and uncaptioned slides, and an assignment schedule. I’m so overwhelmed by papers. Plus, I keep following the calendar she gave us to prepare for class, and it’s never what she’s teaching. So I tense up, grind my teeth, irrationally fear an impromptu speech therapy lesson, feed off the steno’s stress, can’t figure out where to look and am perpetually lost. It’s AWEFUL. I hate it. (My phone doesn’t let me write that not in all caps… Smartphones *sigh*)

One class is personal wellness, which I almost dropped but didn’t. We talked to the teacher, and she said not to worry; skip the body fat analysis, and any activities that could become destructive, she’s not going to deduct points if I can’t do all the changes from the diet analysis chapters, etc. She was extremely reassuring. We are doing group presentations… I HATE group work, and I HATE presentations. I ended up in the nutrition group, and my job is to outline the presentation. Aaaaaannndddd, the information in our book is completely obsolete. So I emailed her and said not only is the information dated but the whole food pyramid thing has been revised twice since publication. She wrote back “yeah, I know. I had a meeting with your group after class, but didn’t want to make the steno wait. Just email them.” I have. Many times. No reply. She has not provided due dates or a rubric. I can’t stand not knowing what exactly, and when!

She also keeps postponing the fat lab. I don’t have to do it. She already said that. But, all the waiting is messing with me. It would have been fine if it was just done and over with exactly the way she said. Now, I keep thinking, maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t, I kind of want to know, I’m totally scared– I know how my mind works, no number is good enough and any number can be lowered. It’s so deliciously seductive. I keep googling “body fat percentage calculation” and trying to guess. There are a million and seven formulas out there, I’ve gotten everything from 11-22% and have no idea what to expect. Part of me figures, I’ll be mentally prepared for somewhere in or around that range, and she’ll go and calculate like 45% or something, and I’ll be the fattest person in the whole class, and she will laugh at me and think we were totally ridiculous for talking to her, and there is no possible way someone so fat could ever have struggled with an eating disorder. The longer she postpones, the more enticing the game becomes; 16 week class, 2 body fat labs, easy win. Win what? Who knows. Is it even supposed to be a competition? Beats me. But, I will do it, and be the best regardless. I love to win. I have to be brave and let her pinch my fat, so I can win. That way even if I start out the fattest person in the universe, I can still document progress. And she who makes the best progress wins.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s