“It’s safe to relax NOW”

I’m not sure if I’ve blogged about this before, because it’s kind of strange and a little bit embarrassing…

But, something that’s been an incredibly powerful tool for me in this journey towards a healthier self is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as “tapping”. Now, the whole thing seems completely ridiculous, I think so too… Except it works. Da Brains went to a conference on EFT sometime last year. She said she went because she needed the seminar hours, but thought it seemed stupid. In the conference paperwork, the attendees were instructed to bring something simple to work on, like a food craving. So DB’s craving was chocolate. She told me that taping through the chocolate craving brought up experiences from her childhood, and she ended up crying, and hadn’t craved chocolate since. So, I made fun of her a lot, but agreed to try at home. Honestly, the only reason I did it was to laugh at her.

Except, I’ll be darned, it worked.

I’m not even very good at tapping through emotions. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I just do the first part “even though I’m ________________ right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” Then I just go through the points without words, and it still helps.

This week, Da Brains and I are participating in the Tapping World Summit, with two hours of on-line lecture every night. Last nights Red Room lecture was “Weight Loss and Body Confidence” the title made me a little nervous and the MV was singing with joy. It ended up being extremely helpful though.

The presenter, Jessica Ortner, first talked about the pattern of panic that people experience when it comes to food. She struggled for years with binge eating and discussed the level of panic and anxiety that surrounded eating… Something I can totally relate to. In her tap-a-long she said “it’s safe to relax now.” And when I did it, I felt an instant release, it was amazing.

Last night, I sat in on a bible study class at church. I have done this a few other times and enjoyed it. The discussion last night, however, made me extremely uncomfortable. I started to panic as I read through the discussion points. Lucky for me, they turned the lights off to show a video clip. I took advantage of the darkness and tapped on it– I don’t think anyone even noticed, except maybe the Bishopzin, because she was sitting next to me… But she already knows I’m weird, so it’s ok.

The person leading the study group talked about having a 30 second “pitch” about being Christian, which, obviously, does not pertain to me. But he was talking about how to be convincing, without being long winded, preachy, or too “out there.” I think I could stand to have a 30 second “pitch” on EFT. It works. It’s immediate. It’s easy to learn. And it’s applicable to anything. I want to tell people about it, but I can’t figure out how without sounding like a crazy person.

Traumatic Drive Home

Tonight, while I was driving home, two black men, dressed in all black jumped I front of my car.

I panicked.

They saw it on my face, I’m sure, immediately turned it into a game. They’d get to the side, I’d start to go and they’d jump into the road again. Or wave for me to go ahead, then dart out in front of my car again. They were each on one side and would take turns; one would be clear and then the other would run out.

I was stuck in the middle of an intersection in the busy downtown area for two full light cycles, worried about hitting these men, and worrying about being hit myself.

I was hysterical, crying, hyperventilating, shaking, fortunately, it was only about 2 blocks from home, I doubt I’d have made it otherwise. The minute I got inside, I threw up, then collapsed on the floor.

I wrote about it on Facebook, and one, random, elementary school friend, understood right away.

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Even though it’s been 15 years since a man in a vehicle stole the life away from a little boy on a bicycle, moments like this one continue to knock the wind out of me, like an unexpected punch.

I’m really ok…

The past week has been extremely challenging in all sorts of ways. I started baby-sitting for a second family, quite unexpectedly. They are wonderful, and I’m happy to do it, but the sudden change was shocking to my routine-loving self. I had major assignments due in all 3 classes and way less time than I’d expected.

I got it all done.

I did fine on all of it.

We got a 100% on the group project. I got 100% on all of the assignments for the on line class.

The crazy humanities essay project that had me in tears or up all night near daily for the past two weeks were due today.

She put each person’s paper up on the projector and graded them in front of the whole class! I was freaking out. This was, by far, the most difficult paper I have ever written. Two of the nine sections were especially challenging, one involving an uncaptioned video that I could not understand, and one was just summarizing an article. Except the article had a lot of foreign proper nouns and was oddly written. I ended up making paper dolls and acting it out to finally understand it.

There are 35 people in my class.

Mine was the only paper that didn’t have to be rewritten.

I’m ok.

All the screaming, and crying and panicking all week was ridiculous, and it all worked out.

Smacked

Sometimes, the magnitude of what I’ve done is so overwhelming, it literally knocks the wind out of me. It smacks me so hard I find myself slamming my laptop closed, running out of Panera and bolting for home as fast as I can, to fall apart in private. Only, “home” is precisely the problem. I’m not home. I’m safe, that’s true, but not home. Every fiber of my being aches for “home”. I’m terribly homesick for the house in the village, with my life work,

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Handiwork,

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And art work,

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The guilt in leaving my animals is suffocating. I hate myself. I am the person animal rescuers hate. I made a commitment, then abandoned them. I pledged my undying love, then deserted them. I gave up stability, security, and love for selfish reasons. I bailed on everything I stood for.

I had a conversation a while back, that I find myself frequently revisiting. La used to sail with me. She was also the overseer of school when we were traveling and became a close friend. She moved to Colorado a few years ago and my efforts to remain in contact have largely gone ignored.

A while back, I ran into a mutual friend, someone that I don’t know well. She said she Skypes frequently with La and they have remained close since the move. She looked at me and sighed “La used to be so proud of you. She talked about you all the time when you were little. She said you were wicked smart and destined to change the world. You could have done anything, and you just didn’t…”

Even though I’m trying now, I feel like I’ll never catch up. I’m so far behind. My classmates are doctors and lawyers now. They’re homeowners, husbands, wives, moms and dads, CEOs, managers and minivan drivers.

Meanwhile, I’m still trying to finish my AA. I’m safe, but unattached and essentially homeless. I have income, but no security. There’s no guarantee.

I feel like it’s too late to live up to La’s expectations, that no matter what I do from here I’ve already destroyed too much. I can’t ever be the invincible little world changer, because I’ve already been crushed and flattened. I’ve already let too many people down.

I’m afraid I’ll never really have “home” again. I’ll never be able to repair all of the destruction I’ve done.

I wish I could be better.

Just go to class!

Yesterday morning I really really really realllllllllly did NOT want to go to yoga! I’m overwhelmed with assignments and projects right now. It was pouring down rain and Avery and I were all snuggled up cozy in bed writing a paper. I just had NO interest in yoga! But, I went.
I had to buy a planner now that I’m so busy! I wrote down all 3 kids’ schedules, all assignments- plus designated work times, and all workouts. My planner said “go to yoga” so I went. And I had a great practice!

Elmo Running

I started watching a new little girl this week. I’m in love with her. I feel like I’ve known the family forever. She’s just a sweet snuggly, baby (16 months). The dad works from home, so he’s around. Both parents are extremely tall and statuesque, not in any way fat, but both could easily have been sculpted from marble.

The dad is so funny, he keeps saying things like “oh, you can’t reach any of the cabinets.” “Those are the tiniest hands I’ve ever seen!” “Do we look like giants to you?” “Is your whole family little like you?”

Yesterday, he joined us for a walk, and near the end he was getting out of breath and goes “for such a small person, you walk really fast!”

He also, asked me if I have an eating disorder… I said no.

Anyway, they have a nice jogging stroller, really nice sidewalks and tons of parks, so I’ve been taking her out everyday and using a run/walk app, that I set to Elmo music. She loves it. I love it. It’s been a while since I’ve run with any kind of consistency, and I feel great! I also use her to do the “baby bench press” and any other weighted exercise I can think of. She loves it. I love it. I use the time to teach her stuff, like this afternoon, we were working on up/down while doing squats. I backbend to make tunnels for her cars. There are just so many creative ways to move, stretch and strengthen, when spending all day on the floor with a baby!

Plus, her dad is a big fan of “educational” tv, so today she snuggled in my lap to watch a show while I studied for a test on Thursday.

Sleepless

I stay awake all night, because, when I sleep, I have nightmares about fat. I spend all exhausted, worrying about fat.

My heart races.

I can’t take classes over the summer. Tomorrow, I have an interview at camp.

It’s easy there; run all day, schedule my breaks during meals, no one ever guesses, and the people who do know are too far away.