Sometimes, the magnitude of what I’ve done is so overwhelming, it literally knocks the wind out of me. It smacks me so hard I find myself slamming my laptop closed, running out of Panera and bolting for home as fast as I can, to fall apart in private. Only, “home” is precisely the problem. I’m not home. I’m safe, that’s true, but not home. Every fiber of my being aches for “home”. I’m terribly homesick for the house in the village, with my life work,
And art work,
The guilt in leaving my animals is suffocating. I hate myself. I am the person animal rescuers hate. I made a commitment, then abandoned them. I pledged my undying love, then deserted them. I gave up stability, security, and love for selfish reasons. I bailed on everything I stood for.
I had a conversation a while back, that I find myself frequently revisiting. La used to sail with me. She was also the overseer of school when we were traveling and became a close friend. She moved to Colorado a few years ago and my efforts to remain in contact have largely gone ignored.
A while back, I ran into a mutual friend, someone that I don’t know well. She said she Skypes frequently with La and they have remained close since the move. She looked at me and sighed “La used to be so proud of you. She talked about you all the time when you were little. She said you were wicked smart and destined to change the world. You could have done anything, and you just didn’t…”
Even though I’m trying now, I feel like I’ll never catch up. I’m so far behind. My classmates are doctors and lawyers now. They’re homeowners, husbands, wives, moms and dads, CEOs, managers and minivan drivers.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to finish my AA. I’m safe, but unattached and essentially homeless. I have income, but no security. There’s no guarantee.
I feel like it’s too late to live up to La’s expectations, that no matter what I do from here I’ve already destroyed too much. I can’t ever be the invincible little world changer, because I’ve already been crushed and flattened. I’ve already let too many people down.
I’m afraid I’ll never really have “home” again. I’ll never be able to repair all of the destruction I’ve done.
I wish I could be better.