Stability

This is what I want more than anything. That’s all. Just a safe place that I can count on, let my guard down just a little and know that I’ll be safe every day.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had that. But, I always have my car. It’s mine. Just mine. With doors that lock and wheels that go. People think in crazy, driving my little hatch back around stuffed to the gills, never any empty seats. I have clothes, snacks, dog food, extra leashes, shoes, alternative transportation options (skates and Trikke), blankets, towels, toiletries, chargers. For many years I even hauled a tent around with me everywhere.

It’s always a toss-up, where to keep the box though. It’s that box of most important things; pictures, my dad’s book, “Kitty” the beenie baby who has traveled everywhere with me since I was a little kid, the VHS tape of me with Jordan and my dad, a small container of full SD cards. Given that I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of fire and perpetually afraid of having no place to live, the box almost always stays in the car.

I also hide cash, as much cash as I can possibly withhold from myself at any given time inside my car. It my safety net, security blanket, getaway money if I ever had to leave suddenly. It’s also there to save my butt when I’m 20 minutes from home, coasting on fumes, and realize I left my debit card at home… Because it always happens like that.

This morning, my car was broken into. Everything was strewn around inside. My wallet (with $100 cash) and
a few other things were stolen. The wallet contained my license, school ID, debit card, social security card, and stack of receipts I’d been intentionally keeping.

They didn’t bother to close my car door when they were done. The wallet was gone. But my debit card and both IDs had been removed and left neatly on my seat.

When I found it, I was on my way to take a big test, that I also needed to study for. Had they taken both IDs I would not have been allowed onto campus for the test. I was upset and poorly prepared but I took it.

One of my families asked for some extra hours next week, which will help.

And… Earlier this month, I finally felt safe enough to bring that most important box inside.

The whole thing is upsetting. It’s upsetting when friends react by saying “what kind of idiot keeps those things in the car?” We are all here, stuck on this earth, just trying to do the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt. I haven’t had an easy hand. And honestly, that kind of judgement from friends is more hurtful than losing a hundred dollars.

All in all. It could have been much worse. In fact, I think being smacked across the face and cussed at by two people on campus this afternoon was probably the lowest point of my day.

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Scared stiff

This is it. I have 2 classes, 1 closing meeting, 1 trip to the Cummer, and 1 exam left. I really did it. I mean, my HS classmates are all doctors and lawyers by now, but May 6th I’ll have an AA degree. It’s simultaneously embarrassing and exciting.

I should be elated.

But I’m not.

I’m scared to death.

I have to meet with my advisor, she asked me to come see her the second week of classes. I still haven’t.

I have to apply for the bachelor program.

I have to register for the last section of the test that’s required. My mom said she’d pay for it. I just haven’t done it. I’m going to run out of time.

I have to make an official decision about summer camp. One family I’ve been working for cut the hours they’ve been using me in half, and the other family is finished with the big projects that’d been consuming their afternoons. At this point, the crappy position that the camp offered is twice as much money. Plus, I just really love camp. Even though it wasn’t the job I wanted, it’d help me understand different perspectives in camp operation if I ever manage to actually get a director position. I’m so torn.

I want stability more than anything in the world. That means a real job, not total dependence on the whims of one other person, where I can make a valuable contribution to the greater good, a consistent place to live, the ability to provide for Avery and myself as well as help others. I want my cat back. Car doors that open. Maybe even AC.

I’m safe right now. A friend told me the other day “You are living in Eden.” And we all know how that ended. It’s not permanent.

I’m afraid to take on these few, fairly simple, but vitally important tasks.

I’m afraid to move forward.

I’m afraid of the uncertainty of the next step.

I’m afraid I won’t be accepted. Won’t pass the test. Won’t get the scores in time. Won’t ever find a real job. Won’t ever be able to create for myself the amount of stability that this family of strangers has given us.

I am afraid.

And I am Frozen.

Literally. Watching Frozen on repeat, while ignoring reality.

Feeling squiggley

I had nothing to do today! I was only in class for 6 minutes, and had no kids to baby-sit, STILL no interest in returning to the hot room.

I watched some movies, took a nap, laundry, dishes, played with Avery… Checked my watch, only 2:00!!! I thought maybe I could make a “boredom snack” but we all know that not the best idea, plus I didn’t really have anything interesting anyway.

So I decided to make pasta.

Not boil up a box, but actually make my own noodles. I’ve never attempted to make pasta before. A quick visit to Google it seemed manageable enough. I read that you can use any kind or combination of flour, so I decided to use my lentil flour.

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It was super easy, methodical, and time consuming! Perfect for a squiggley day!

Oh. It tasted delicious too! I will definitely do it again!

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Enough

I always told my little girl “I love you enough”.

I love you enough to fill the whole ocean, and every crevice of the universe. I love you enough to trek to Sea World every weekend, and enough to make you go to school. I love you enough to cradle you in my arms, and sleep with you on the couch, safe from the dragons beneath your bed. I love you enough to understand that you had to poop in the toy box, because there were monsters in the toilet. I love you enough to help your mom, because she couldn’t help herself. I love you enough to be her stand in, without standing in her way. I love you enough to plan your parties, buy your gifts and sign her name. I love you enough to fight for you. I’d give you my last breath. I love you enough to save you, and enough to let you go.

I love you enough forever, which I hope you’ll someday know.

(For “The Baby”)
I wish I could have saved her mom.
Sometimes, the guilt is overwhelming. If I had made different choices. She might still be here.

Get up!

Earlier this afternoon I’d finished all of my rubbing around, it was pouring down rain and I haven’t had a day off since getting home from visiting Super Cuz. So at 1pm, I shamelessly changed into jammies and curled up with a pint of (vegan) ice cream and my dog for a Free Willy 1-4 movie marathon.

At 3:30, I got a text asking if I could baby-sit down in The Village from 5-8. It’s an hour drive each way and I almost decided it wasn’t worth the drive for just 3 hours… But I really enjoy the kids. So I went.

And boy am I glad I did! They ended up staying out until 12:30! I got extra time with some really great kids, and extra money!

Now, I’m gonna go spend some time with the insides of my heavy, heavy, eyelids.

ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzZZZzzzZzzZzz

Gearing up…

For the long drive home.

Friday night was kind of intense. But yesterday was the most perfect day ever!

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Brains and I talked in the morning and agreed to suspend all rules, just for the day, or even just for one bite. That meant, both my rules, and hers. We went to a diner for dinner. One of my cousins is a loose vegan (like me), his three daughters are all vegetarian, and my aunt tries not to eat meat from non-kosher kitchens, so when ALL of them went for the veggie burger as well as another cousin who said it was just that good… I followed suit. They all added fries and the non-vegans added cheese. I asked for avocado on mine and removed the bun and sides. It was huge and, like they said, wonderful! I was very happy with myself. I’m sure it still seemed disordered, because I took it apart and wouldn’t touch the sides. But, truthfully, I HATE French fries, pickles are effing terrifying, and coleslaw is just creepy and gross. I ate the parts that I wanted without being critical. I was proud of myself.

Back at their place, one of my cousins had made a flourless chocolate cake. My vegan cousin didn’t have any, but I decided to stick with our agreement to suspend the rules. It was amazing!!!!I am happy that DB and I had talked, and I felt safe enough to do that.

Before I went to NYC by myself on the train. My cousin and I went to two yoga classes. We took a hot vinyasa together then I took the cold vinyasa that she taught. It was a new experience for me. It’s reallllllly different than Bikram! It seemed more physical, or strength based, maybe. I was not as able to compensate with flexibility and I’m sore EVERYWHERE today! My cousin is such a great teacher though.

We are leaving soon. I can’t wait to come back.

SURPRISE!

I’m in New Jersey, about to head to New York City BY MY SELF!

Friday morning I was talking to a very deal long time friend… She’s the kind of person you just know some greater power put us here to take care of each other in a special way. We have shared A LOT. But we haven’t really caught up in a long time.

She was telling me about the last time she and her husband came to visit her grandfather before he passed away.

My “Mommom” is my only living grandparent, she’s 92 and lives in Denver. She desperately wants me to fly to visit her (without Avery). First, I live BELOW sea level, the Mile High City makes me physically sick. I hate being there. She’s hard to eat with, which is kind of a big deal. And she hates my dog. Avery and I don’t do the whole rogue sock bin thing. We are a matched set. It’s non-negotiable.

But after talking with my friend I spent hours feeling guilty for avoiding Mommom.

By 10:30am Friday morning both families had canceled all the hours I’d planned to work this weekend.

At noon, my aunt in New York posted photos of Mommom visiting.

By 4:00 pm, I’d made plans for Avery and I to stay with my Super Cuz in New Jersey. I left work at 5, we were on the road by 7, drove through the night, and arrived 17 hours later.

Yesterday, we took the dogs on a pack walk with some other dogs and their people, then went to my aunt’s for dinner.

This morning we took TWO yoga classes; hot vinyasa at one studio, then SC taught cold yoga at another one. It was nice after the lonnnnnng drive up.

Now she’s sleeping before work and I am going to take the train, all by myself, to Penn Station. So I can see the rest of my cousins and spend some more time with Mommom too.