Scared stiff

This is it. I have 2 classes, 1 closing meeting, 1 trip to the Cummer, and 1 exam left. I really did it. I mean, my HS classmates are all doctors and lawyers by now, but May 6th I’ll have an AA degree. It’s simultaneously embarrassing and exciting.

I should be elated.

But I’m not.

I’m scared to death.

I have to meet with my advisor, she asked me to come see her the second week of classes. I still haven’t.

I have to apply for the bachelor program.

I have to register for the last section of the test that’s required. My mom said she’d pay for it. I just haven’t done it. I’m going to run out of time.

I have to make an official decision about summer camp. One family I’ve been working for cut the hours they’ve been using me in half, and the other family is finished with the big projects that’d been consuming their afternoons. At this point, the crappy position that the camp offered is twice as much money. Plus, I just really love camp. Even though it wasn’t the job I wanted, it’d help me understand different perspectives in camp operation if I ever manage to actually get a director position. I’m so torn.

I want stability more than anything in the world. That means a real job, not total dependence on the whims of one other person, where I can make a valuable contribution to the greater good, a consistent place to live, the ability to provide for Avery and myself as well as help others. I want my cat back. Car doors that open. Maybe even AC.

I’m safe right now. A friend told me the other day “You are living in Eden.” And we all know how that ended. It’s not permanent.

I’m afraid to take on these few, fairly simple, but vitally important tasks.

I’m afraid to move forward.

I’m afraid of the uncertainty of the next step.

I’m afraid I won’t be accepted. Won’t pass the test. Won’t get the scores in time. Won’t ever find a real job. Won’t ever be able to create for myself the amount of stability that this family of strangers has given us.

I am afraid.

And I am Frozen.

Literally. Watching Frozen on repeat, while ignoring reality.


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