Stability

This is what I want more than anything. That’s all. Just a safe place that I can count on, let my guard down just a little and know that I’ll be safe every day.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had that. But, I always have my car. It’s mine. Just mine. With doors that lock and wheels that go. People think in crazy, driving my little hatch back around stuffed to the gills, never any empty seats. I have clothes, snacks, dog food, extra leashes, shoes, alternative transportation options (skates and Trikke), blankets, towels, toiletries, chargers. For many years I even hauled a tent around with me everywhere.

It’s always a toss-up, where to keep the box though. It’s that box of most important things; pictures, my dad’s book, “Kitty” the beenie baby who has traveled everywhere with me since I was a little kid, the VHS tape of me with Jordan and my dad, a small container of full SD cards. Given that I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of fire and perpetually afraid of having no place to live, the box almost always stays in the car.

I also hide cash, as much cash as I can possibly withhold from myself at any given time inside my car. It my safety net, security blanket, getaway money if I ever had to leave suddenly. It’s also there to save my butt when I’m 20 minutes from home, coasting on fumes, and realize I left my debit card at home… Because it always happens like that.

This morning, my car was broken into. Everything was strewn around inside. My wallet (with $100 cash) and
a few other things were stolen. The wallet contained my license, school ID, debit card, social security card, and stack of receipts I’d been intentionally keeping.

They didn’t bother to close my car door when they were done. The wallet was gone. But my debit card and both IDs had been removed and left neatly on my seat.

When I found it, I was on my way to take a big test, that I also needed to study for. Had they taken both IDs I would not have been allowed onto campus for the test. I was upset and poorly prepared but I took it.

One of my families asked for some extra hours next week, which will help.

And… Earlier this month, I finally felt safe enough to bring that most important box inside.

The whole thing is upsetting. It’s upsetting when friends react by saying “what kind of idiot keeps those things in the car?” We are all here, stuck on this earth, just trying to do the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt. I haven’t had an easy hand. And honestly, that kind of judgement from friends is more hurtful than losing a hundred dollars.

All in all. It could have been much worse. In fact, I think being smacked across the face and cussed at by two people on campus this afternoon was probably the lowest point of my day.

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