This sound of springs.
I’m jumping. Late into the night, early into the next day.
I jump to burn calories.
I jump to hear the springs.
Mesmerizing. Repetitive.
When I stop, the springs stop and the magic bubble bursts.

Brains writes me. “Do you remember you have an eating disorder?”

Who me? No! I’ve forgotten. Is that possible? Her words are shocking.

Do I have an eating disorder?

No. Just rules. Rules keep us safe.

And I have yoga.

The hot room makes me happy.

I need happy. And rules. Because everything is falling apart. I don’t like the family I’m working for. They are chaotic. The little girl makes me think I never want children. Sometimes I leave praying that none of my siblings have children either.

They are putting her in daycare. But they don’t want me to take other work. I can just keep my schedule totally open for their whims. I worry about money.

I worry because I still haven’t heard from the bachelors program. They are registering for fall semester. I see the billboards. My entire future is waiting on the mail.

The anxiety is paralyzing.

So I jump.
I do yoga.
I count calories to restrict.
I get lost in the fog. It’s quiet and lovely there.

What eating disorder?


4 thoughts on “Springs

  1. Ericka you’ve been doing so well lately! Don’t fall apart now. Keep the rules to a minimum!

    Use your down time with the family, that wants you to stay on, to find another job, get all your schooling in order, etc. Things have been coming together for you, please don’t let anyone’s rules, including your own, stand in your way.

    Ps, was that Melissa in the pic of you and Rilind with the Aussie? I didnt recognize her, at first, if that was her.

      • I knew Rilinds Mom, but I COMPLETLEY missed Melissa! I didn’t want to ask on FB bc, I would have likely said something about weight! I know you have mutual friends including Rilinds Mom, so I wouldn’t have wanted her to see it. Rilind looked a bit hefty too. Maybe it was just his shirt. He doesn’t cast a big shadow on his daily posts.

        You, on the other hand, looked and have looked GREAT!!

      • He looked big to me too. She said he’s only 90lbs. He was pretty excited to pee on all the trees and shrubs in the old city. His mom thanked me several times for making the trip special for his guests and said we can have a sleepover when she gets back from her trip.

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