This sound of springs.
I’m jumping. Late into the night, early into the next day.
I jump to burn calories.
I jump to hear the springs.
When I stop, the springs stop and the magic bubble bursts.
Brains writes me. “Do you remember you have an eating disorder?”
Who me? No! I’ve forgotten. Is that possible? Her words are shocking.
Do I have an eating disorder?
No. Just rules. Rules keep us safe.
And I have yoga.
The hot room makes me happy.
I need happy. And rules. Because everything is falling apart. I don’t like the family I’m working for. They are chaotic. The little girl makes me think I never want children. Sometimes I leave praying that none of my siblings have children either.
They are putting her in daycare. But they don’t want me to take other work. I can just keep my schedule totally open for their whims. I worry about money.
I worry because I still haven’t heard from the bachelors program. They are registering for fall semester. I see the billboards. My entire future is waiting on the mail.
The anxiety is paralyzing.
So I jump.
I do yoga.
I count calories to restrict.
I get lost in the fog. It’s quiet and lovely there.
What eating disorder?