Vicious cycle of hate

My grandmother hates my mother.

My mother hates me.

I hate myself.

I’m certainly never having my own children to perpetuate this family trend.

I really wish I could hurry up and die, to make them happy. Families should be about love, and my family would love for me to vanish. I’d love to make it better for everyone and die.

My grandma so wanted me to visit her at her home, even after I drove to see her at my aunt’s in April, she wasn’t happy. My grandmother is 91, she’s my last living grandparent, and I wanted to make her happy. I’d do nearly anything to make the people around me happy, especially my family.

So my mother got us plane tickets to visit her for my birthday.

Every meal, they harped on calories. They called me fat.
They scrutinized and criticized every choice I made.

When they fought and argued, I tried to change the subject, or walk away. I found beautiful things to notice, and complimented everyone.

But they still hate me.

My mother hates me.

She called me bitch, stupid, asshole, and said she wished she’d never had me. She said not to be proud that I sign because people who sign look retarded.

There is no reprieve from all the hate.

I can’t wait until I die.

I miss my dad.

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2 thoughts on “Vicious cycle of hate

  1. Family or not, to hell with them! Your Mother brought you into this world, luckily your Dad had something to do with that. You seem to carry HIS GOOD genes. Use the good and forget about the women that delivered you into this world, to live YOUR life.

    I know you feel the need to please. Most people, even family don’t appreciate it.
    I had hoped for a Happy Birthday for you. How cruel that the one who created you and your day, can’t have the same hopes for you.

    You and Avery are home now, back in your comfort zone. Continue the business of YOUR life. Ignore anything or anybody that stands in your way.

    Best wishes for a happy, productive new year as you travel the road of life.

  2. Teenie – You’ve got to stop understanding yourself in terms of what you think others think of you. Everyone is living out their own shit, only most people don’t know they are. You can’t understand yourself by buying into someone else’s messed up delusions. You know that you are a good woman just trying to deal. Don’t make that any harder than it is by leaving what you truly know and giving credibility to other people’s twisted opinions. Peace, sister.

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