I worked it out with everyone. I know what I have to do this weekend. We agreed on a REALLY low number. I picked it, and she said it could be even less ambitious if I wanted.
It’s sorted out. But I’m still really upset.
It feels hopeless. Like I can never really be normal, or better, no matter how many positive changes I make in my life, I will always be this way.
Everyone I talked to was quick to respond “how could you even consider fasting?”
I’ve been normal, healthy, even nearly fat for a good long while now. I eat. I don’t cry or ritualize (much). In my mind, it’s over, done, a thing of the past to be forgotten. We can all just continue on and act as if it never happened.
Meanwhile the people I’m closest to, still see me as sick.
I can’t EVER escape.
So why try?
If all I’ll ever be is anorexic, then why bother fighting so hard against it?
I’ll eat on Saturday, because I gave my word. I never made any promises about today, tomorrow, Sunday, or any days beyond that though.
Why fight, if I can’t win?