Why I’m really mad

I worked it out with everyone. I know what I have to do this weekend. We agreed on a REALLY low number. I picked it, and she said it could be even less ambitious if I wanted.

It’s sorted out. But I’m still really upset.

It feels hopeless. Like I can never really be normal, or better, no matter how many positive changes I make in my life, I will always be this way.

Everyone I talked to was quick to respond “how could you even consider fasting?”

I’ve been normal, healthy, even nearly fat for a good long while now. I eat. I don’t cry or ritualize (much). In my mind, it’s over, done, a thing of the past to be forgotten. We can all just continue on and act as if it never happened.

Meanwhile the people I’m closest to, still see me as sick.

I can’t EVER escape.

So why try?

If all I’ll ever be is anorexic, then why bother fighting so hard against it?

I’ll eat on Saturday, because I gave my word. I never made any promises about today, tomorrow, Sunday, or any days beyond that though.

Why fight, if I can’t win?


6 thoughts on “Why I’m really mad

      • A yogini stays focused, lives each moment and doesn’t get snarled up in the mess and distraction of measuring success. Like Millie says, you’re doing just fine. And faith is more than ritual. Be with God wholeheartedly and don’t sweat the details.

  1. It isn’t so much that god doesn’t think you CAN do it so much as god doesn’t think you SHOULD do it. Subtle difference. I totally get where you’re coming from because I have been there, exactly. I’m an Orthodox Christian, and we spend nearly half the year in some sort of fast. A couple years ago, I had a pretty bad relapse that was partly triggered by the Lent fast, although I blame bikram yoga a bit too. When I spoke with my father confessor about it and told him about my history of anorexia, he couldn’t believe i had not told him earlier, and he told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to not fast from food. I was pretty upset for a while and even felt like an impostor. I honestly thought that I was not “really Orthodox” if I didn’t fast from food, which is ridiculous because if one’s religion is defined by something like fasting, it isn’t much of a religion, it’s just a diet or a set of rules.

    Anyway long story short (too late), I was given two reasons fasting is a very bad idea for a recovered anorexic. The first is it’s triggering. Not a surprise. But the second is that fasting is supposed to be hard, and for an anorexic, fasting isn’t hard. It’s almost a relief in a way. And THAT violates the spirit of fasting entirely. (My husband jokes that on fast days I should eat steak and eggs, because that would be hard for me, which, he’s right, it would. I work with my father confessor on non food ways to observe the fast instead.)

    I hope that helps and isn’t too obnoxious.

    • No. Not obnoxious at all. It’s helpful. I talked to both the rabbi and the therapist a lot. I get it, in theory. From the therapist, it’s just about maintaining the habit. It doesn’t matter what I eat, or even how much, as long as the schedule of eating multiple times during the day remains intact. I don’t get hungry and I hate almost all food, so it kind of makes sense.

      The other thing is the Hebrew doesn’t say “You must abstain from food and water.” It says “you are to afflict your soul.” For me eating is absolutely more afflicting than fasting. It’s not breaking G-d’s law, it’s following it.

      I’m just sad. Even though I understand it, I feel defeated.

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