I cry in yoga

I am lonely.

Excruciatingly, painfully, lonely.

I’ve been having a very sad week. Everything just feels impossible and hard.

I was already struggling, when my lovely mother picked a fight on the way to the studio this morning. She hates me. I’m a bitch. And she blocked my number.

I’ve written many times here, how desperately I want her to like me. She doesn’t, and never has. But for some dumb reason, I keep trying.

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Still, I try hard to make her happy. I never say no. I do my best to be agreeable.

Today, I said “no” and boy is she mad.

She took her cat back from my old house about 2 months ago. I gave him Capstar and Advantage before I took him. That protects him from fleas for a month. She didn’t give him more, and now her house is infested and she’s demanding I retrieve the cat.

No.

I give my girls the protection they need every month and we do not have fleas. I have what I can handle. I didn’t think the cat was a good idea, but we love her and it’s working out really well. More pets exceeds my ability to be an effective and attentive owner at this time.

I’ve worked WAY too hard to get to wear I am, to compromise my health and well being for anyone… Not even my mother.

I’m proud of myself for sticking to the boundaries that I established. Saying “no” to anyone, especially my mother, is really hard for me.

I just wish she didn’t hate me for that.

I wish I had the kind of mom who cared enough about me to understand this. I wish she cared as much about me as she does her house.

I really wish I was good enough for her.

I cried in the hot room today.

I cried a lot.

Alone

I am lonely.
The film I live with is gone.
All of the families I work for are off for the holiday.
Well, I’m dog-sitting for one family and have the family we live with’s puppy.
But no humans.
I got tired of the New Years weight loss bombardment…. And seeing all of my “friends” having fun.
So I deactivated my Facebook.
Yoga has been weird holiday hours, with only early classes, and I can’t take care of all the dogs and make it there.

I thought maybe I’d ride my Trikke to RAM. The weather is beautiful outside. I showered and went to get ready…

And…

Well…
I’m just ALWAYS alone.

If I go to RAM, I’ll just be alone in public.

Pathetic.

At least, if I stay home, I can be lonely in private.

I keep trying so hard to fix my life.

But I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish. What’s the point, when no one even remembers that I exist. Unless their kids or dogs need something.

I wish I was better at “friends”

Joints.

My joints hurt.
My ribs are evil and keep wandering around all over the place.

I need to eat. I know I have to do it, but every time I try, I just end up doubled over crying in pain.

I can’t do it.

Let Down

So far, Champions Weekend has been a big fruity (because we deleted that other F-word, taf backwards, from the dictionary, it no longer exists) bummer.

Class was fine. It was just regular beginning class taught by the dude champion. I know how to keep up with the yoga. Then they did 2 hours of Q and A… That’s the important stuff, that’s where you get inspired and learn new things about your own practice.

Except… I didn’t understand anything. Everyone was really spread out around the room. It was almost impossible to figure out who was talking, half of the people were sitting in front of an open window with the sun setting behind it… You try reading lips on a silhouette, with the sun in your eyes and lemme know how that goes for ya. I tried asking the teacher sitting beside me what posture they were talking about once, she shushed me and said she’d explain later. I asked a guy if he could please move his hand from in front of his mouth while he was talking, he did… But immediately replaced it with the other one. So I put my head down on my knees and cried.

I paid to be there. I love yoga just as much as everyone else in that room today. I deserved to be included and I wasn’t, even after advocating for myself… Which sucks.

Tomorrow is advanced workshop. I texted the owner when I got home tonight and asked if it was too late to cancel for a refund. She promised tomorrow would be all posture work, not talking, and our teacher who signs will be back from vacation too.

I said I’d try.

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I miss The Villiage

I never thought I’d say it, but I miss living out in the middle of no where. Sometimes, lately, I even think I miss my old life there.

The former roommate loved going to the interpreted suicide prevention concert every year.

It’s weird to go alone, so I either have to beg and bribe someone to come with me or skip it.

It was nice having a buddy to do stuff with.

Also, apparently, my pink ice skates were also stolen from my car… A while ago, and I didn’t even notice. That makes me really really sad. The last time I used them, I’m pretty sure I was still driving my brother’s car, which had much better locks than mine. They aren’t anywhere in my apartment, and my car is empty.

They’re just gone.

I’m not doing anything

I’m not doing anything wrong. I swear! Following my most recent, cat induced, mega meltdown after spending time with the former roommate.
I PROMISE I have been on the good behavior straight and narrow!

I’ve been eating, LOTS of fresh, healthy, vegan foods. The family I work for in the mornings is always trying to feed me. They aren’t vegan, but they are extremely health conscious. The baby and I love to eat veggies together!

I’ve been having 3-4 small meals throughout the day (this coming from the girl who swore off lunch in the 1st grade!), and I feel great. I stopped running and doing the fitness trail because it’s like 60 degrees here now, and I don’t like being cold! I’ve been taking just 1 yoga class each day, sleeping instead of jumping on the trampoline all night.

I am feeling happy and balanced.

Somehow, all of this joyful eating more and working out less, has produced surprising results….

I started losing weight really fast!

Beets and Bites

The other night a friend asked if I though I’d ever start eating real food, or was I content eating peanut butter and purée forever.

I actually had to stop eating squeezie this summer because… Well, I don’t want to talk about it, but squeezie has been relocated to the same place as carrots, crunchy food, and anything blue- absolutely not negotiable and never ever ever going into my mouth, EVER!

The elimination of squeezie has lead to an interesting new development…

BITES!

I was looking for foods I thought I might actually eat during the yoga workshop next weekend, and wondered into the land of vegan toddler food… Basically, purée anything, add some flax egg, roll into balls and bake.

Ok, so, it’s still purée and forkless… But it’s not baby food. It has some shape to it and stuff, and I think hope will seem less strange if I pull it out as a snack in front of normal people.

I started with two kinds of bites, plus 1 pancakes because I haven’t made those in a while.

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The pancakes are beets! It was my first experience with beets EVER!

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They are MESSY!

They are also A LOT more purple than I expected. I had to keep telling myself
Beet red, beet red, the expression is beet RED. These beets are red.
To keep from passing out from the pseudo purple mess all over my kitchen, especially because it was on my SKIN!
* Purple is a little bit too close to blue.

I puréed the roasted beets with spinach and kale. The added greens helped make the color more manageable. I used a mix of lentil and whole wheat flours… I think if I’d used white flour it might have made lovely dark pink pancakes, but who eats white flour? Yuck! The recipe wasn’t vegan, so I replaced the egg with half an avocado, and the yogurt with vanilla coconut yogurt. It called for cow milk and vanilla… Avery helped herself to my bottle of vanilla a while ago and I haven’t gotten around to replacing it yet, so for efficiency’s sake… I just used chocolate almond milk. The chocolate ended up being the strongest flavor. I guess they are kind of like red velvet pancakes. Of course, I eat them plain… Because that’s how I eat pancakes, but it’d probably be fine with stuff on top too, if that’s how you like your pancakes fixed. *shrug*

I also made sweet potato/spinach/kale bites, and lentil pizza bites.

Both are delicious, manageable, easy to eat… All the things I require for food to be edible.

I’m excited to try making more bites and pancakes.