I am lonely.
Excruciatingly, painfully, lonely.
I’ve been having a very sad week. Everything just feels impossible and hard.
I was already struggling, when my lovely mother picked a fight on the way to the studio this morning. She hates me. I’m a bitch. And she blocked my number.
I’ve written many times here, how desperately I want her to like me. She doesn’t, and never has. But for some dumb reason, I keep trying.
Still, I try hard to make her happy. I never say no. I do my best to be agreeable.
Today, I said “no” and boy is she mad.
She took her cat back from my old house about 2 months ago. I gave him Capstar and Advantage before I took him. That protects him from fleas for a month. She didn’t give him more, and now her house is infested and she’s demanding I retrieve the cat.
I give my girls the protection they need every month and we do not have fleas. I have what I can handle. I didn’t think the cat was a good idea, but we love her and it’s working out really well. More pets exceeds my ability to be an effective and attentive owner at this time.
I’ve worked WAY too hard to get to wear I am, to compromise my health and well being for anyone… Not even my mother.
I’m proud of myself for sticking to the boundaries that I established. Saying “no” to anyone, especially my mother, is really hard for me.
I just wish she didn’t hate me for that.
I wish I had the kind of mom who cared enough about me to understand this. I wish she cared as much about me as she does her house.
I really wish I was good enough for her.
I cried in the hot room today.
I cried a lot.