Not good enough

My sister is home now. Her parents are going to take care of her now.

She thinks I’m a horrible person… and she doesn’t even know I told on her yet. She’s extremely mad at me.

We had been sitting at my kitchen table making a grocery list for about 4 hours, it’d been completed for a while but I couldn’t convince her to get back up to go to the store. After a while she said “Can we get back in the hot tub sometime today.” So I jumped up and ran to turn it on. I was kind of irritated because we’d just spent allllll day making a grocery list and it seemed dumb to wait for the hot tub to heat up, change, swim, and change again all before going to the store. I need to have a plan and stick to it. That’s a control thing, it’s just how I work. I really wanted to go to the store. I’m also, incredibly hyper, so the suggestion to do anything from my silent, surly, sister was thrilling. Suddenly I was presented with a way to make her happy and I could finally move! I ran to turn the hot tub on, but pointed out the inefficiency of swimming before shopping.

It was an all together WRONG reaction on my part. She keeps bringing it up over and over and over, like it’s somehow further proof that I’m the reason she should kill herself. I just wanted to get up from the table! Geez! I want her alive!

I took her to look at all the pretty houses on St. John’s Ave, and also to see the sign at the L’Engle house. The whole time, she just kept talking about how these houses couldn’t even compare to the massive houses in south Florida. It was like 12 minutes of her telling me I’d picked a stupid activity.

Last night, she asked me what we did that morning, so she could tell the family and I said “we went to look at the houses, but you didn’t like them, so maybe skip that part.” I didn’t want them thinking I was a horrible host, and still feel bad for trying to do something she hated enough to complain non-stop the entire time.

She said she liked the houses, and I was a bitch for not understanding that she just talks and says whatever pops into her head because it makes her feel better and I need to walk on eggshells around her because everything I say is fueling her negative self image, but she should be able to say anything she wants because it makes her feel better.

I took her to Chamblin’s. She LOVES books, especially old ones. I think of her every time I pass or go to Chamblin’s. I was excited to show her. She spent about 30 minutes inside looking around, then on the way home talked non-stop about how nothing could compare to some used bookstore called Powell’s in LA, and once you’d seen Powell’s nothing else could ever compare. She’s never been to Powell’s but she’s read the reviews on trip advisor and Powell’s is definitely better than Chamblin’s.

I am watching the landlord’s puppy while they are on vacation and he keeps pooping in his kennel. I have to keep taking it down the spiral stairs and cleaning it out. I spray it out with the hose and carry it back up. There were some turds on the ground, and every time Sister walked past, she held her hands up and flapped like when some people see a spider. She’d make a big dramatic show of hopping over each little piece and squealing “poooooop!” At one point I said “I’m doing the best I can.” I wasn’t picking it up each time because I was constantly worried about leaving her unattended for too long.

She spent most of the trip pointing out all of the ways I’m failing. And now keeps sending long detailed texts outlining all of that in great detail. She’s a lawyer, she loves to argue. And she’s extremely depressed, so I think she might be provoking an argument to fuel her self loathing. She’s setting me up to validate her suicidal feelings.

I didn’t play. I just said I was sorry and asked what I could do to help.

This, that’s going on with her right now, is her issue exclusively. It’s not about me at all.

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