Pooh

You know that Winnie the Pooh thing about not being as horrible as your mind wants you to think you are.

Maybe there’s some truth to that… Even though it’s corny and over shared.

I know I weigh enough now, but I still see the eating disorder in myself, and I’m scared of it. I’m always worried that just one little mistake will ruin everything. I’m incredibly hard on myself because I’m afraid of messing up.

These past 4 days with my sister, I didn’t eat perfectly. She binges, overeats, and refuses to consume anything that’s not drowning in sugar or salt. After our screaming meltdown, I made an effort to meet her part way. I cooked healthy food, then let her mutilate her portion. I gave in when she begged non-stop for a smoothie, but opted not to have any.

We went out for dinner and I ordered what I wanted, and ate it. Even though watching her eat was distressing. I couldn’t have always done that.

I continued to go to bed on time, wake up early, eat a healthy breakfast, take care of my animals, stretch, complete household chores, and remain attentive to self care and personal hygiene, even though she could not be bothered with any of those things. This kind of self ownership is new for me… Well, at least recognizing it is anyway. Making other people happy has always been a priority for me, not long ago, I would have simply assimilated into my sister’s unhealthy patterns just to appeases her.

For the first time, I see myself as a competent adult.

I wish my sister the best.

But I’m proud of myself, and how I handled this very turbulent visit.

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