one specific goal

I have always had a hard time feeling like I could do anything well.
Yes, even as an internationally ranked Olympic level athlete at 14, I still felt inadequate.

When I told DB I thought I could picture myself working at Shake-A-Leg, something in me changed. I had real direction. Any thing I was doing wasn’t to benefit a vague future ideal, everything became a step in the process. It’s pushed me to be more responsible, proactive, and willing to speak up.

I want it more than anything.

I had a plan in my mind. I need three internships to graduate. So I wanted dolphin therapy in the keys, FSDB for the short ones and Shake-A-Leg for the long one. Except, it’s all messed up now. FIU, as we well know, sucks at communication. I was somehow registered for classes without even having an advisor assigned, much less talking to one. My first two internships are supposed to be THIS summer. That’s not even enough time to apply for the dolphin one. They have so many “if/than” rules and basically it works out like this. I can only use Shake-A-Leg for the 4 week internship, and then I MUST do a 4 week clinical internship… and my ONLY option for the clinical is an inpatient psych unit, that used to be an ED treatment center and would still be a VERY bad environment for me. I talked to DB about it this afternoon, and she was more direct that she’s been in a really long time. There was no “what do you think?” or “Is there a way to make that work?” it was just “NO. Do not do that.”

I asked the internship coordinator a million different ways today. I can give up Shake-a-leg, and do both sections of the internship with the dolphins. That wouldn’t suck.

I just… I did all this for Shake-a-leg. It’s what I want more than anything.

I can’t believe I’m about to lose it.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s pretty much how things tend to go for me.

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Livid

I am mad.
Really, super, duper, unbelievably angry.
I’m smart. I’m a good student, very dedicated. I’m an obsessive perfectionist.

I am deaf.

We had an Adobe Connect meeting in one of my classes tonight. I logged in. I did everything I was supposed to. But the stenographer never showed up and you had to participate interactively in the meeting, or write a long-ass research paper…. Guess who now has to do extra work because FIU- a public, state university with nationally ranked law and med schools continues to fail when it comes to complying with the ADA.

I made sure everyone who needed to know about the Adobe Connect meeting did, with plenty of notice. I asked multiple times what *I* needed to do to prepare. I asked disability services, the professor, and even emailed with the transcription company directly… multiple times. I asked AGAIN this morning if I needed to do anything else.

“Nope. Just log in.” They said.

The stenographer even confirmed that SHE had spoken with the professor and said “I’ll see you on the web cam tonight.”

The stupid people never got the sign in link!

I sat there, outside in the freezing cold, just to be sure I didn’t drop the internet connection trying my hardest to participate. But it was impossible. The professor wasn’t even on camera. There was no way to even TRY to follow.

I do not understand the material. I did not get to participate in the lecture. And now I’m stuck doing the punishment assignment, writing a stupid research paper on stuff I really don’t understand.

I’m pissed.

If they had shown up like they were expected to, I would have had access to live help to ask questions, and I wouldn’t have to do extra work.