It’s been a while…

I haven’t written in a long long time. I dunno, I guess I needed some separation from this blog for a while.

But tonight, I need to write. I need to get the thoughts out. I moved. I’m living in the dorms, studying rec therapy, working in the field. Everything actually worked out.

I just have the biggest pit of doom in my stomach though, like something terrible is about to happen. I hate making mistakes, but sometimes it feels like that’s all I do. My new co-workers, they are tough. I don’t think they like me much. I keep trying to fix it. Every time they get up the courage to complain to me, I listen calmly, and work honestly to fix what they dislike. I try my best not to get mad or defensive. My boss is pretty neat. She’s got tons of experience, and she’s great at what she does. Some days we chat and laugh a lot in the office, but other times I get the feeling she doesn’t like me too much either.

It just seems like I can’t do anything right. At the campout, I locked my keys in my car and everyone sat up waiting for AAA to come until 2 in the morning with me. Yesterday, I went to have lunch in my office, and my purse wasn’t there. My co-workers and I searched everywhere but couldn’t find it, so we asked the manager to watch the security tapes. He says he saw me walking in with it, but no one went into my office besides me and my own staff. They never saw it leave the room. The only way to replace the prescriptions that I keep in there is with a police report, so we had to fill one out. The officer who came has a toddler recently diagnosed with Autism. She asked a lot about my program. I was able to give her some local resources and took her out to meet some of my kids. One of the kids got Powerade Zero on my legs and I ended up having to leave work early since without my bag, I didn’t have any allergy medications. I went straight from the office to the student health center where Dr. V helped me out. She’s the best person that I’ve met down here. Before I even got to campus, she was working on replacing my EpiPens, and helped my legs stop burning. I stayed with her for a while then went back home.

… only to find my missing bag safe in my kitchen. I was so relieved! Even though I missed 2 hours of work, stressed everyone out, and paid for new EpiPens, I felt much better knowing that it was all there and OK. I feel like maybe it was one of those G-d things, and I was supposed to meet her.

I miss yoga a lot. I tried to take a class on campus last week. It was cold yoga in the dark, very slow, no back bends… mostly just laying around on the floor in positions I usually sleep in. I never felt any stretch. At the end, we were laying there in savasana, and the instructor came to stand over me, one leg on either side of my body… I pretty much freaked out. I hit him.

I’ve been jumpy around people lately. More so than I have in a really long time. I walked out of a doctor’s appointment on campus because he got too close. Yesterday, I was waiting for a friend in the break room at her office, and a guy walked in and closed the door…. so I left.  Dr. V thinks that it’s PTSD but I’m not convinced.

I am awake right now. I’ve been both eating and sleeping less.

I just feel off, like something is very very wrong.

I need yoga. Real yoga. Nice, predictable, Bikram yoga. I need 90 minutes in front of those mirrors to deal with myself. I mostly like it down here, but I’ve lost touch with me. Yoga will help. I found a studio near my work. I just have to get  brave and go now.

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