Who’s really crazy!?

I couldn’t possibly eat an ENTIRE banana. That would surely kill me.

I woke up absolutely POSITIVE of this “fact”.

Now, when facts and rules conflict, obviously, the rules have to change, because facts are facts.

And the fact of the matter is, there is absolutely no way I could possibly eat and entire banana at one time.

So. I e-mailed the dietitian, attempting to bargain- how about I still eat a snack, just make it half of a banana.

To which she replied- you’d like to add half of a banana to what you are currently eating??? SURE!

Um, no! Helloooooooo! Don’t you know that it is a FACT that I can not possibly eat an entire banana at one time!

No doubt about it. She’s nuts.

I was all fired up and ready to argue.
But my phone sat in silence, indicating that she perhaps was not.

When it finally did buzz, it was just a reminder that I was seeing Dr. J today instead of Friday this week.

I should have canceled that. I felt fine. I only practiced twice since last time and my hips didn’t even hurt.

But I went anyway.

Everyone knows that it’s I FACT that its impossible to eat an entire banana at once and I feel fine, I bemoaned.

My c2 was definitely out.

She also tried something new, that was amazing… I’ll google and share later.

Anyway, I left her office, went straight to Publix, and bought a banana, plus non-gross tortillas to revisit the Bananadog…

Which was fantastic, and I ate the whole thing!

No doubt about it. I’m nuts!!!

This is exactly why I totally depend on the people around me and should not be trusted to make decisions for myself, especially when it comes to food.

I guess there’s a human in there after all….

I got adjusted today!

I had musli with plain almond milk for breakfast. I have sweetened soy milk in the house right now, for something I’m going to cook (probably) tonight. It’s so thick and rich and delicious… And 3x the calories of almond milk! I couldn’t convince myself to have it with breakfast. So every watery, almondy, musli bite was disappointing and irritating. But, for the first time all week, I was ok after I ate it.

THEN! About an hour later, I got really cold and had a cup of coffee to warm up. Almost instantly, my normal, anxious, painful, OMG-I-need-to-barf-right-NOW “breakfast feeling” returned. Usually, I have everything all together, as soon as I get to work, so I don’t have to stop what I’m doing later in the morning. After today, I think I should try eliminating coffee from my morning routine and see if breakfast gets easier. I can get pick up some of those camping hot hand thingies this weekend for when the office gets too cold instead.

We were slammed all morning, every time I tried to get up, someone was standing at my desk with a new problem, until it was time to leave for the chiropractor.

Everything was out! She was cracking up and kept saying “Seriously! I’d LOVE to know how you do this in just 7 days!” She’s out if town again next week, so I’m seeing her Tuesday… But I’m going to have to fight with my boss for it. 14 days is just way too scary!

Afterwards, of course, I stopped to for a special lunch. I already had it in mind that I wanted to try a Bananadog. I picked up a banana, almond butter, and tortillas. I ended up deciding on the GF ones, in continued support of my cousin. They also had more than double the calories of the tortillas I’d normally pick and Laura writes “stop worrying about calories!” In every e-mail.

… Sorry y’all

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This was simply not eatable.
Then I thought, I’d just eat the banana… But it was all touching and overwhelming and disgusting. So I threw the whole mess away.

I filled my water 4 times and had that dehydrated headachy feeling that sometimes comes after getting adjusted.

Yoga was GREAT!
Well, I missed the lizards. But Mr. Creepy was also absent. The room was perfect, hot, drippy, quiet. My body was flexible and happy. I came ALL. THE. WAY. OUT of standing head to knee with control!!!! My bows lined up. I actually tried and stayed in for stick. Head to floor is probably my most wishy-washy posture. I N E V E R know what it’s going to feel like. Tonight was decent- not perfect, but not crappy either. I survived all 4 triangles. It takes a few weeks to get the hips fully back into place, the left side still hurts, but it’s mind pain.

I used 1 finger to come out of toe-stand. I haven’t done it 100% hands free since that one night.

Floor series was good, strong, flexible, fun!

International yoga asana championship competition this weekend!!!! Watch the live stream on usayoga.org! I can’t wait!!!!

Evolving…

Wondering the outcome of last night’s dinner debate between Logic and MV? Well. MV won, and I went to sleep. But just before midnight, Avery went crazy on the trampoline. Of course, everyone knows, when your dog goes crazy on the trampoline post-bedtime, the obvious thing to do is wake up and make polenta. Which I did. I topped it with DJR and some fresh veggies.

This morning, I woke up with a great big dose of badass in my toothpaste. I finally got brave enough to take yogurt and fruit to work for breakfast. I also packed a few of these guys!

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I love them!

… It didn’t go that well.

I did eat the yogurt and the fruit at my desk. But suddenly decided I had an issue with the raisins- which is new, they’ve always been easy. I was horrible, uncomfortable and stressful. I don’t have to clarify my resolution for that little problem.

Come lunch time, I realized I’d left my yoga bag at home. I promised myself I’d eat my snack/lunch at my desk if I used my break to go rescue my yoga clothes. Naturally, I lied. The rice cakes say there untouched until it was time to go.

I did fill my water bottle 3 times though.

At yoga, I walked in and set up with the lizards in our spot, without paying too much attention. When class started I noticed there were 9 people on our side of the room, and only 4 on the other side. Why you ask???? Mr. Creepy’s radius has now expanded to 1/4 of the total studio space!

I was having a hard time in class. My alignment is soooo crazy I couldn’t even seem to stand right. No matter what I did one hip was more forward, one shoulder higher, one elbow more bent. Ugh! It was annoying! Not to mention. I’m STILL much too fat. It was like great big, jiggly, crooked yoga.

We almost lucked out, and got to skip stick… But someone just had to speak up *coughLizardcough* oh, she also told more lizards about this here blog.. So hi! And welcome Lizard #2!

Who wants to guess where my mind was after class? I didn’t even lay down, just drank my ENTIRE water bottle, grabbed my stuff, and was the first person out of the room. Girl on a mission!

The new girl, the one from Tennessee, who’s effing awesome, was teaching tonight, and as I bolted past the desk she said “hey! I…” So I slowed, and turned around to let her finish, “I… Um… Well, thanks.” “No, thank YOU!” I answered enthusiastically. “I just wanted to say, I love having you in class. Everyone always looks so angry and serious during yoga, then there’s you, over there in that corner, just grinning away, and making the people around you smile too.” I shrug “it’s only yoga.” I tell her and pick up my things as people start trickling in for the late class.

Three different students ask if I’ll stay for doubles because they miss practicing with me. I tell them I would, if I wasn’t feeling so weird. My hips hurt, and my right hand keeps feeling like it gets shocked… You know, like when your brother tells you to lick the top of a 9 volt battery, that kind of thing.

On the way home I realized I never did go barf. But that’s really ok.

I also decided I HAD to have more cauliflower popcorn tonight! So I went home, took Avery potty, threw some clothes on and ran to Whole Foods

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Fear not, one of their employees totally laughed at me.

Have you ever wanted to eat an ENTIRE head of cauliflower by yourself in one sitting? I just did! For dessert, half a cup of unsweetened applesauce, 1/2 tbsp pb2 and half a cup of strawberries all mixed together.

I think I am evolving a little bit. It wasn’t that long ago that I wouldn’t even TOUCH food, and still relying on baby food for the majority of my calories as recently as March.

I started making jars so I would only have to contend with preparing food once a week. I could do all the cooking, then go hide under the covers to freak out like a spazz just on Sundays.

These days, I’m finding, I genuinely enjoy cooking. I like the creative outlet, and figuring out how to make “normal” foods in ways that don’t scare me. Creating food is relaxing, and a nice way to unwind. It’s less frightening to eat things that I myself have personally assembled from exclusively plant based ingredients as close as possible to their natural, living state. I get excited about what I’m doing, I get excited about sharing with others. Super Cuz once told me, that when feeding babies, every meal is like a party. You have to go above and beyond to create feelings of joy, safety, and contentment during meal time. Seeing people get excited about things I’ve made, does that for me.

I may love cooking. And I may even like eating while I’m cooking… But the truth of the matter is… I still hate food. When I’m not all caught up in the moment, I’d much rather go right to bed than open up a pre-made jar.

Had I not NEEEEEDED cauliflower popcorn tonight, I can pretty much guarantee the 8ish jars of healthy meals prepared by ME, Would have sat, untouched in the fridge.

I think, next week, I need to start planning for cooking a few times mid-week.

The room ain’t always hotter, on the other side…

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

Well, obviously, I don’t eat cake for one thing.

Why can’t I have skinny yoga that’s fun too?

I get confused…

It’s hard work, being anorexic. There are so many numbers to keep track of, and constant internal arguing and bargaining, restricting, worrying about people, feeling dizzy, tired, frozen, and disconnected. But it’s easy to listen to MV. She is very enticing, and always there, and I never have to worry that she gets tired of me. Everything is safe, and organized and powerful- watch me do 3 hours of yoga on nothing more than a banana, I am awesome because I am in control and we are safe.

Recovery is hard work too. Every. Single. Day. I have to be stronger than MV. I have to eat, stay on the schedule, make decisions for myself (without consulting MV). I have to resist compulsions, experience things that are uncomfortable, accept fluctuations in weight, and practice fat yoga. It works though. Eventually. I think better, and connect with the people around me. My practice is stronger, and I laugh more.

It’s nice… Until everything becomes fat and chaotic. Then I need MV to restore order. I need to lose weight, and remember that food is for fueling NOT emotional dependence. It’s not a reward for doing something good, or consolation after a bad day, it’s not an appropriate resolution for boredom, and should never be done in excesses just for entertainment.

It’s scary when I find myself starting to think that way. It’s too out of control and not safe. Enjoyment is irrelevant.

Food makes yoga. That’s it.

Suffice it to say, I had fat and crappy yoga tonight. My left hip still hurts from the weekend, then I went to pull my elbows back in head to floor and my right hip popped! Everything felt red and tingly right after. I did all four sets of triangle, but they were horrrrible, and hurt so much, I cried! It’s a good thing everyone is dripping from everywhere by that point, so no one could tell!

Also, that new guy, the one I called “interesting” a few weeks ago? Yeah. He’s not. He’s just a creepy, obnoxious old man who screws up the entire dynamic in the room. The radius around his mat gets bigger daily. Everything about his practice is arrogant and self serving. Now, there’s nothing wrong with warming up before class. I do it. The lizards do it. The teachers and competitors do it. Bend, wallwalk, jump, spin, fart, whatever gets you pumped for class- go for it! But, it’s personal. Warm up for yourself, WITH yourself. Don’t be loud and dramatic just so people will look at you. Don’t stare, pet, or make gross faces at your classmates. It’s all very un-zen.

This yoga. It’s extremely personal. It works when you practice for yourself, while loving every person in the room.

This guy practices for everyone else, like a clown, while loving only himself. It’s challenging and confusing.

I need to work on staying within my own yoga island (mat), and remembering to “Let nothing steal my peace.” I think it’s interesting that the teacher on Friday said that during class, then Leigh chose THIS! as her Weekend Retro Throwback!

Clearly, The Universe is trying to pound this message into my thick skull right now.

Pumpkin/Parsnip oatmeal for breakfast!!! Holy cow! This was freakingggg amazinggggg!!!! Plus, everything was puréed (no fruit chunks), so, of course, I looooovvvved the texture. Musli and almond milk for snack. My internal dialogue is current discussing dinner. I’m not sure which side is winning yet.

Geez, that’s quite a bit of disconnected rambling! Oh well. Such are my post-practice thoughts.

Jars…

Today was kind of rough, following my drunken adventures in eating like a normal person last night.

I woke up feeling like I drank too much.

Plus, fat, ashamed, guilty, angry, terrified because I didn’t follow the new food plan, and I don’t break rules!

I had an extremely hard time dealing with food and almost didn’t make any jars for the week.

I didn’t set up any summer porridge or fix any dinners.

I just made hummus

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It came out pretty darn close to the real thing, definitely better than the weird grocery store stuff.

Yesterday morning, I made pumpkin, maple, tempeh cakes, and have plenty left still, so breakfast tomorrow is covered.

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These were just ok yesterday when I made them, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, they were AMAZING this morning!

I steamed the tempeh (organic non-GMO, of course!) then put it in the blender with half a can of pumpkin and enough almond milk to get the blender going, then I added maple syrup- I didn’t measure but it wasn’t excessive, just enough for flavor, then applesauce for sweetness. It was very sweet, but kind of unexciting. So I added some chopped onion, crushed red pepper and pumpkin pie spice, which made for a really dynamic taste. Then I took the blade out and stirred in hemp, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, so they stayed whole, because I thought that’d look cute. I made balls and tried cooking in the skillet, but they fell apart, so I added coconut flour and baking powder then tried again. It worked, but next time I’d save the hassle and just bake them in the oven.

Remember, I said I had one more fun thing planned…?

It’s for goal #2 about creating more positive feelings towards food and while eating

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POSITIVE AFFIRMATION STICKERS!

I also tried to bring the snack/lunch time anxiety down, by making it colorful and fun.

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Celery, sweet pepper rainbow skewers!!

These look SO pretty in the textured jars!

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(I stickerized the big jars, after taking the picture to show all pretty colors)

There was a lot of space on the sides, so I added a few sunflower seeds and 3 cashews to the big jars.

Not for me

Well, as mush as I love my Super Cuz… I’m abandoning my gluten free ways. I’ve come to this decision after a great deal of thought and reading most of Wheat Belly while confined to my apartment thanks to mass flooding, tornados and other delightful things for most of the day.
– I don’t have any of the physical GI issues that can be related to gluten consumption
– my blood pressure, EKG, cholesterol, blood sugar and all that business are all excellent
– wheat is an appetite suppressant
– I am already strict vegetarian- in and out of the home, read labels, everyday, without exception
– I am already vegan-ish, not strict, by any means, but avoid/replace as much as possible
– I am already reducing, eliminating, avoiding corn
– I have yet to like anything quinoa
– I can’t eat rice- MV, idk, my mind is strange.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lost 14lbs. I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve been stuck around 400 calories/day. It’s not MV. I’m not being tortured by my own mind. I’m just not hungry. When I am hungry, I get overwhelmed trying to find something within the confines of alllll that, and give up. I’ve eaten almost nothing but citrus and grapes for days. Not eating opens the door to mindlessly let old patterns resume control.

I am finally overcoming a lifetime of food related hell, and it shouldn’t continue to be upsetting. I cried in the grocery store over a box of cereal that I REALLLLLLLY wanted, but wasn’t gluten free. I tasted cinnamon toast crunch at a sleepover once when I was a kid. It was the best stuff ever… Earlier this week I saw PEANUT BUTTER toast crunch, and could have done back flips, I was so excited! I love peanut butter more than anything. I have spent years dreaming about the sugary goodness of my brief CTC experience, and I am finally (mostly) free from the internal antagonist, with a job and a debit card and everything that I could possibly need to bring that box of cereal home to enjoy like a completely normal, non-disordered adult. BUT it wasn’t gf. So instead I cried.

I have been distant, antisocial and all together miserable since eliminating gluten. I am losing ground with all of the progress I’ve made. For me, right now, this diet is destructively restrictive, while learning how to NOT restrict.

I’m sorry, cousin. I love you to bits and will continue to try GF foods and be GF friendly.