Having a trying morning

I’m having a hard time today.

I always know, the minute I wake up.

It’s confusing. So many changes, my perspective is shifting so rapidly, and I’m having a hard time orienting.

Brains and I are on a break. I’m afraid that might be a mistake. I don’t have very much confidence in myself today, and I am scared. My primary goal, from the minute I decided to change my situation and get healthy, has been survival. 6 months ago, that meant living in a crap situation, in favor of the much needed support from Brains.

In this moment, reprieve from my current environment is paramount. EVERYTHING, including time with Brains, is secondary to moving me and Avery to a place where we can experience safety, stability and independence. I’m afraid we aren’t ready and more afraid of staying where we are. I’m afraid that we won’t get the apartment, and I’m afraid if we do.

I’m afraid of being there, without the professional support. I’m afraid of exhausting my poor dear friends.

I’m afraid that the chiro will stop working.

I’m afraid that the Ana voice will take over again… She still there. And still loud, sometimes. I’m afraid her familiarity will become too enticing beside all of the newness of living alone for the first time and sole responsibility for the lives of my dog, and myself.

I am still me.

I have an eating disorder.

I feel humongous.

I still don’t understand “hungry” I’ve just met “curious” and “try”.

I’m afraid I’m riding a fast train to obesity.






Advice from six year olds, and who cut the cheese

This morning I went down to the studio to baby-sit. If there aren’t any kids I can take class, I’m not required to sit and supervise an empty playroom. While we were waiting, I said that I was taking the day off, even if there weren’t any kids. The teacher (my most favorite teacher) looked completely shocked and said “GOOD FOR YOU! You NEVER do that! I’m proud of you!” I really needed a day off!

Kids came at almost the last minute. I didn’t take pictures of them this week, but I had 3 little girls, all age 6, and all in kindergarten. Two of them immediately disappeared into Leap Pad land (where no child can be reached by an adult for any reason), while the 3rd sat and chatted with me. She talked about the toys in the room, her school, TV shows then looked at me and said “hey, do you eat all of your lunch?” “Of course I do!!!” I told her enthusiastically. “Are you sure?” She asked me, “it’s not very good to lie.”

Later, I took them to go potty in the locker room. Every week the kids are intrigued by the showers, and we usually have some interesting discussions about them. Today was no exception. While 2 of the girls were using the bathroom, the third asked if I’d ever used the showers. I told her I use them every night after I practice, then put my PJ’s on, drive home and go right to bed. She said “Don’t you think maybe you workout too much?”

We all went back to the playroom together. And while I was cleaning up near the end, the 3rd little girl looked up at me and said “You are too skinny! What are you having for dinner?!”

Thanks ladies. Where were you girls two weeks ago, while I was busy restraining the anorexic 7 year old who “had to MOVE!”? And what is it that made all three of these children, feel the need, independently, to say anything about my size? I mean they’re SIX! I explained the difference between upper and lower case letters, helped them remember that pesky number that comes after 27, and filled in the parts they forgot while singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” at different times today…

After baby-sitting, I took a field trip to the other side of town.


Just to walk around and try to get inspired. Publix carries pretty much all the same stuff for cheaper, and it’s rarely worth the drive across town to shop at Whole Foods. One thing that I found pretty cool, and will likely be returning for



They have tons and tons of different pre-cut fresh fruits and veggies. Publix always has salads and some fruit options, but no veggies. One of my (many) issues with food, is that the longer I have to interact with something, the weirder it gets for me and the less likely I am to actually eat it. I always want fresh veggies, but by the time I get them cut up, I’m already drowning, deep in the anorexic spin cycle.

They also had tons of trial size options (sorry about the weird perspective, I’m a shorty, just 5 feet tall)

Which provide economical options and lots of freedom for someone who hates food to explore and try new things without much commitment or waste.

The expansive bulk foods area, offers a similar ability to buy just a few nuts, or take home just one raw cereal bar type thingy to try.

They also had samples EVERYWHERE!



There was so much to be tasted and experienced… For non-eating disordered freaks like myself.

They even had a contest while I was there, to see which worker could open the cheese the fastest.

This is the guy who didn’t win. But both of them shared pieces of their cheese with everyone. (I should have titled this post “Who cut the cheese in Whole Foods”)

The cheese race was immediately followed by pizza!


I spent a good 2 hours in there, just walking around, surrounded by folks who love food. It was loud and busy, kind of like Publix meets Magic Kingdom. As I watched shoppers swarm the sample tables, and eagerly taste, savor, share and discuss each item, it really struck me how different I am. I was surprised to see how many people DON’T have eating disorders (at least not ones that prevent them from trying free random bites of food in public).

As humans, we are constantly taking in information from our environment and using it to build our perception of the world. After my experience shopping at Whole Foods today, I am strangely (and strongly) compelled to apply for a job there. I think it would end up being a “safe” way to observe and learn how people without anorexia interact and deal with food and eating.


Baby Sitting


My kids today, from the left, ages 5, 5 and almost 7.
The tiny one made me cry this morning. She walked in, told me exactly how many calories she’d eaten for breakfast, that she ran laps around the field instead of playing everyday at recess. Then she freaked out, cried and was like “I have to MOVE!!!” I told her she did NOT need to, and that I would not rearrange so she could run laps inside the room. So she did push-ups until I picked her up and held her in my lap in front of the TV. She struggled against me, cried and asked if she could go workout with the moms. She’s SIX!!!!!! It killed me!

Some Baby Bows, just because they are really cute (I was not pretending to be a yoga teacher. They did that all by themselves).