And THAT is what we call yoga!

Tonight. Was. Excellent!
Not, in and way extreme, in the room or my body. It wasn’t super hot or humid, but those things weren’t missing either. I did nothing stellar, just good, solid, middle of the road practice.

I woke up early and cooked a huge, awesome breakfast today!

20130612-191206.jpg
Tempeh, black beans, okra, onions. It was good stuff.

I could have, but chose not to, remedy the blue lunch fiasco. Because, I’m a losers like that.

I considered snacking on applesauce about 2 hours before practice… But again, didn’t.

I’m in the parking lot at work now, basking in some post yoga bliss before getting back to business.

We work with this lady… She doesn’t work for the company, just does business with us frequently, and always brings food when she comes. She knows all of us by name and is just a sweetheart.

Today she popped in and dropped off food… Without conducting any meetings. She was mega excited and ran around to everyone “I brought turnovers! I brought turnovers! I brought 22 turnovers! They are all different flavors!!” She skipped me. Of course. Would I have eaten a turnover? Not a chance. But I hate being left out all the time, and I’m working really hard to be different. It makes me feel like the opportunity to say “yes” is lost forever, and even if *I* can change, the expectation to be “that girl who doesn’t eat” will remain.

Anyhow, while I was lamenting the turnover exclusion, the woman returned to my desk. “I brought you apples. Aren’t you proud? Something healthy? I brought healthy apples. They are apple slices. In a package. No one touched them. Do you want some apples. They are sliced. In a package.”

… *sigh* she tried.

But she made it “a thing” so I couldn’t say yes. I felt just as alienated as I did while being passed over for turnovers and wanted to disappear.

Logically. I can see the effort she put in. I know it was sweet, and well intended, and I should have just said “thank you” taken the apples.

It’s no wonder really that people think I’m a bitch.

I guess there’s a human in there after all….

I got adjusted today!

I had musli with plain almond milk for breakfast. I have sweetened soy milk in the house right now, for something I’m going to cook (probably) tonight. It’s so thick and rich and delicious… And 3x the calories of almond milk! I couldn’t convince myself to have it with breakfast. So every watery, almondy, musli bite was disappointing and irritating. But, for the first time all week, I was ok after I ate it.

THEN! About an hour later, I got really cold and had a cup of coffee to warm up. Almost instantly, my normal, anxious, painful, OMG-I-need-to-barf-right-NOW “breakfast feeling” returned. Usually, I have everything all together, as soon as I get to work, so I don’t have to stop what I’m doing later in the morning. After today, I think I should try eliminating coffee from my morning routine and see if breakfast gets easier. I can get pick up some of those camping hot hand thingies this weekend for when the office gets too cold instead.

We were slammed all morning, every time I tried to get up, someone was standing at my desk with a new problem, until it was time to leave for the chiropractor.

Everything was out! She was cracking up and kept saying “Seriously! I’d LOVE to know how you do this in just 7 days!” She’s out if town again next week, so I’m seeing her Tuesday… But I’m going to have to fight with my boss for it. 14 days is just way too scary!

Afterwards, of course, I stopped to for a special lunch. I already had it in mind that I wanted to try a Bananadog. I picked up a banana, almond butter, and tortillas. I ended up deciding on the GF ones, in continued support of my cousin. They also had more than double the calories of the tortillas I’d normally pick and Laura writes “stop worrying about calories!” In every e-mail.

… Sorry y’all

20130607-195333.jpg

This was simply not eatable.
Then I thought, I’d just eat the banana… But it was all touching and overwhelming and disgusting. So I threw the whole mess away.

I filled my water 4 times and had that dehydrated headachy feeling that sometimes comes after getting adjusted.

Yoga was GREAT!
Well, I missed the lizards. But Mr. Creepy was also absent. The room was perfect, hot, drippy, quiet. My body was flexible and happy. I came ALL. THE. WAY. OUT of standing head to knee with control!!!! My bows lined up. I actually tried and stayed in for stick. Head to floor is probably my most wishy-washy posture. I N E V E R know what it’s going to feel like. Tonight was decent- not perfect, but not crappy either. I survived all 4 triangles. It takes a few weeks to get the hips fully back into place, the left side still hurts, but it’s mind pain.

I used 1 finger to come out of toe-stand. I haven’t done it 100% hands free since that one night.

Floor series was good, strong, flexible, fun!

International yoga asana championship competition this weekend!!!! Watch the live stream on usayoga.org! I can’t wait!!!!

NO lizards in the hot room!

I take the late class on Thursdays. The Lizards always take the early one. So it was just me and the mirror, sans Lizzy Committee.

It was an awesome mix of bendies in the room though. Mr. Creepy set up on the opposite side of the room… But then the mega skinny dude set himself rightontopofme! Like obscenely close. He got a nice quiet practice and stuff, but he’s crazy skinny, and really makes me uncomfortable. He’s also a sweat wiper and keeps his towel in his pocket… Which bugs the crap outta me, I don’t know why.

So. I was there. On my mat. Having a conniption about being sandwiched between Mr. Creepy and The Skinny Dude, and the mega tall girl with loooooooong perfect legs and a gorgeous practice right behind me. Then I said to myself. Hey. Wake up! What lesson has the universe sent you THREE times this week? “Let nothing steal your peace!” Practice that. Do it right now.

So I did. Inside my mind, I boarded my pink private jet and took a quick flight back to my own private yoga island.

At some point during the warm-up, the teacher said “No lizards in the hot room!” I have no idea what the context was, that’s the only part I caught, and I laughed. My body is tight, like, e v e r y w h e r e! I was sore, and cranky and almost decided not to practice… But realized my ‘tude problem was probably and indication that I needed class more than ever. So I dragged my butt into the studio.

I tried to practice honestly, accept that my body was tight and setting limits for me today. I held standing head to knee while she counted to 3, and came up head, elbows… Fall out. I was still ecstatic! That the most control I’ve had EVER! I didn’t push too hard in my bows, but they were ok. I did the first set of triangle, and stepped into the second one, and realized this is painful. This is not fun. Forcing your hips into this posture, when you know they hurt, is not yoga. Stop worrying about being a badass. Don’t think about anyone else in the room. Respect yourself enough to sit this one out. So I did.

Floor series was ok. Nothing super stellar happened… Except I think she turned the AC on right before rabbit. Everyone was really grunt-y following camel, then suddenly the room felt weird. I think that cold blow-y stuff is called air. It was odd.

After class, I was talking to another teacher, who’d just practiced with me. I love him… But our schedules never match up. I haven’t managed to take his class since probably January! While we were chatting, he was like “you have such a great practice. I love being in the room with you. Everyone else can be snorting and huffing, then all of sudden, this little giggle comes from the corner and everything seems easier.”

I don’t think I do anything that special. I just really love this yoga a lot. It’s kind of neat knowing that I’m helping my yoga friends love it too, just by being myself.

I woke up actually hungry and ate a HUGE breakfast of summer porridge, rice cakes, cereal, strawberries and “popcorn”. No lunch. No dinner. Filled my water 3 times.

It’s Thursday. I get adjusted in the morning. We’ll take it!

Evolving…

Wondering the outcome of last night’s dinner debate between Logic and MV? Well. MV won, and I went to sleep. But just before midnight, Avery went crazy on the trampoline. Of course, everyone knows, when your dog goes crazy on the trampoline post-bedtime, the obvious thing to do is wake up and make polenta. Which I did. I topped it with DJR and some fresh veggies.

This morning, I woke up with a great big dose of badass in my toothpaste. I finally got brave enough to take yogurt and fruit to work for breakfast. I also packed a few of these guys!

20130605-215257.jpg
I love them!

… It didn’t go that well.

I did eat the yogurt and the fruit at my desk. But suddenly decided I had an issue with the raisins- which is new, they’ve always been easy. I was horrible, uncomfortable and stressful. I don’t have to clarify my resolution for that little problem.

Come lunch time, I realized I’d left my yoga bag at home. I promised myself I’d eat my snack/lunch at my desk if I used my break to go rescue my yoga clothes. Naturally, I lied. The rice cakes say there untouched until it was time to go.

I did fill my water bottle 3 times though.

At yoga, I walked in and set up with the lizards in our spot, without paying too much attention. When class started I noticed there were 9 people on our side of the room, and only 4 on the other side. Why you ask???? Mr. Creepy’s radius has now expanded to 1/4 of the total studio space!

I was having a hard time in class. My alignment is soooo crazy I couldn’t even seem to stand right. No matter what I did one hip was more forward, one shoulder higher, one elbow more bent. Ugh! It was annoying! Not to mention. I’m STILL much too fat. It was like great big, jiggly, crooked yoga.

We almost lucked out, and got to skip stick… But someone just had to speak up *coughLizardcough* oh, she also told more lizards about this here blog.. So hi! And welcome Lizard #2!

Who wants to guess where my mind was after class? I didn’t even lay down, just drank my ENTIRE water bottle, grabbed my stuff, and was the first person out of the room. Girl on a mission!

The new girl, the one from Tennessee, who’s effing awesome, was teaching tonight, and as I bolted past the desk she said “hey! I…” So I slowed, and turned around to let her finish, “I… Um… Well, thanks.” “No, thank YOU!” I answered enthusiastically. “I just wanted to say, I love having you in class. Everyone always looks so angry and serious during yoga, then there’s you, over there in that corner, just grinning away, and making the people around you smile too.” I shrug “it’s only yoga.” I tell her and pick up my things as people start trickling in for the late class.

Three different students ask if I’ll stay for doubles because they miss practicing with me. I tell them I would, if I wasn’t feeling so weird. My hips hurt, and my right hand keeps feeling like it gets shocked… You know, like when your brother tells you to lick the top of a 9 volt battery, that kind of thing.

On the way home I realized I never did go barf. But that’s really ok.

I also decided I HAD to have more cauliflower popcorn tonight! So I went home, took Avery potty, threw some clothes on and ran to Whole Foods

20130605-223815.jpg

Fear not, one of their employees totally laughed at me.

Have you ever wanted to eat an ENTIRE head of cauliflower by yourself in one sitting? I just did! For dessert, half a cup of unsweetened applesauce, 1/2 tbsp pb2 and half a cup of strawberries all mixed together.

I think I am evolving a little bit. It wasn’t that long ago that I wouldn’t even TOUCH food, and still relying on baby food for the majority of my calories as recently as March.

I started making jars so I would only have to contend with preparing food once a week. I could do all the cooking, then go hide under the covers to freak out like a spazz just on Sundays.

These days, I’m finding, I genuinely enjoy cooking. I like the creative outlet, and figuring out how to make “normal” foods in ways that don’t scare me. Creating food is relaxing, and a nice way to unwind. It’s less frightening to eat things that I myself have personally assembled from exclusively plant based ingredients as close as possible to their natural, living state. I get excited about what I’m doing, I get excited about sharing with others. Super Cuz once told me, that when feeding babies, every meal is like a party. You have to go above and beyond to create feelings of joy, safety, and contentment during meal time. Seeing people get excited about things I’ve made, does that for me.

I may love cooking. And I may even like eating while I’m cooking… But the truth of the matter is… I still hate food. When I’m not all caught up in the moment, I’d much rather go right to bed than open up a pre-made jar.

Had I not NEEEEEDED cauliflower popcorn tonight, I can pretty much guarantee the 8ish jars of healthy meals prepared by ME, Would have sat, untouched in the fridge.

I think, next week, I need to start planning for cooking a few times mid-week.

The room ain’t always hotter, on the other side…

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

Well, obviously, I don’t eat cake for one thing.

Why can’t I have skinny yoga that’s fun too?

I get confused…

It’s hard work, being anorexic. There are so many numbers to keep track of, and constant internal arguing and bargaining, restricting, worrying about people, feeling dizzy, tired, frozen, and disconnected. But it’s easy to listen to MV. She is very enticing, and always there, and I never have to worry that she gets tired of me. Everything is safe, and organized and powerful- watch me do 3 hours of yoga on nothing more than a banana, I am awesome because I am in control and we are safe.

Recovery is hard work too. Every. Single. Day. I have to be stronger than MV. I have to eat, stay on the schedule, make decisions for myself (without consulting MV). I have to resist compulsions, experience things that are uncomfortable, accept fluctuations in weight, and practice fat yoga. It works though. Eventually. I think better, and connect with the people around me. My practice is stronger, and I laugh more.

It’s nice… Until everything becomes fat and chaotic. Then I need MV to restore order. I need to lose weight, and remember that food is for fueling NOT emotional dependence. It’s not a reward for doing something good, or consolation after a bad day, it’s not an appropriate resolution for boredom, and should never be done in excesses just for entertainment.

It’s scary when I find myself starting to think that way. It’s too out of control and not safe. Enjoyment is irrelevant.

Food makes yoga. That’s it.

Suffice it to say, I had fat and crappy yoga tonight. My left hip still hurts from the weekend, then I went to pull my elbows back in head to floor and my right hip popped! Everything felt red and tingly right after. I did all four sets of triangle, but they were horrrrible, and hurt so much, I cried! It’s a good thing everyone is dripping from everywhere by that point, so no one could tell!

Also, that new guy, the one I called “interesting” a few weeks ago? Yeah. He’s not. He’s just a creepy, obnoxious old man who screws up the entire dynamic in the room. The radius around his mat gets bigger daily. Everything about his practice is arrogant and self serving. Now, there’s nothing wrong with warming up before class. I do it. The lizards do it. The teachers and competitors do it. Bend, wallwalk, jump, spin, fart, whatever gets you pumped for class- go for it! But, it’s personal. Warm up for yourself, WITH yourself. Don’t be loud and dramatic just so people will look at you. Don’t stare, pet, or make gross faces at your classmates. It’s all very un-zen.

This yoga. It’s extremely personal. It works when you practice for yourself, while loving every person in the room.

This guy practices for everyone else, like a clown, while loving only himself. It’s challenging and confusing.

I need to work on staying within my own yoga island (mat), and remembering to “Let nothing steal my peace.” I think it’s interesting that the teacher on Friday said that during class, then Leigh chose THIS! as her Weekend Retro Throwback!

Clearly, The Universe is trying to pound this message into my thick skull right now.

Pumpkin/Parsnip oatmeal for breakfast!!! Holy cow! This was freakingggg amazinggggg!!!! Plus, everything was puréed (no fruit chunks), so, of course, I looooovvvved the texture. Musli and almond milk for snack. My internal dialogue is current discussing dinner. I’m not sure which side is winning yet.

Geez, that’s quite a bit of disconnected rambling! Oh well. Such are my post-practice thoughts.

I like it hot and giggly

Today was all about malfunction (right up till yoga time anyway).

Avery and I woke up early and had lots of time to play which was nice. I made a great green smoothie, collected my jars and was totally psyched for an awesome day.

20130531-193248.jpg
Kiwi, banana, mango, coconut, spinach, kale and hemp seed smoothie… YUM! Hummus with celery for snack, and I usually get sushi after the chiropractor too. It was the makings for totally perfect yoga!

Except… I got to work, stuck my smoothie in the freezer for a minute, since the ninja tends to make it kinda warm and I no longer use gel cups! I checked my e-mail and took care of a few things, then went back to retrieve my breakfast… And immediately came completely undone.

I know that I don’t get hungry. I know that hungry or not, I eat on the schedule. I know what to do when that is difficult. I took a break then tried again, I tried eating something different, wallwalking, inverting, hiding in the bathroom, sitting by the lake. I gave a solid effort, but simply could not get the job done this morning.

Normal people skip breakfast sometimes, right? Normal is the goal, right? Maybe it’s ok, just this once, right??? Even if it’s not… Too late. *shrug*

I left work to go get adjusted. Turns out, I did a pretty impressive job on hip. She was like “Dang, girl! I bet that hurts!” Um, ya. You could say that. My c2 held though, and it was 10 days instead of 7! My knees, and shoulders were ok. My ribs, wrists and elbows were out, but not nearly as much as as usual and went right back in. She asked if I wanted to try for 14 days, but I said I was too scared.

During the meeting with the dietitian, we discussed my excessively loose joints and she suggested that better nutrition could lead to improved functioning. I thought that was kind of nuts, my joints just pop out, that’s the way I am. Lo and behold, leave her in charge for 10 days and suddenly Dr. J has nothing to rearrange.

Since deferring all food related decision making has obviously been a monumental success… I decided to do something really brave!

20130531-203012.jpg
Alvarado Street bread, vegan cheese and tomato.

I don’t know it it was MV, or eating something new, or what… But it took every little bitty drop of self control and determination not to vomit. I held on to my desk and did not let go. As long as I was connected I couldn’t accidentally run to the bathroom.

Yoga was amazing though. Once again, I opened up my big mouth before thinking, and told one of my studio lizards “oh. I have a food/yoga blog.” Whoops, it’s also where I channel all my crazy and store my secrets. She was really nice about it though. So, welcome Lizard.

It really doesn’t get any more yoga-riffic than tonight. The Lizard and I set up in our favorite corner, warmed up, discussed boogers, kitties and lamented the podium’s lack of tissues. She said she’d be counting on the Lizzy Committee to make it through class. No problemo chica! We swapped tongue faces in Eagle. She said “I hate you right now” coming out of standing head to knee, I giggled. We fell out of standing bow together and cracked up. The guy beside us cracked up. The teacher cracked up. She said its good when you can laugh at yourself. Then the guy started belching (I couldn’t hear him, Lizard told me after class) and the teacher said “whatever you ate, don’t tomorrow.”

Hi folks, meet your front row, two laughing lizards and Mr. Burpy.

It’s been farrrrr too long since I’ve had silly yoga. Tonight was perfect.

Now it’s time to plan jars! What should we eat this week, folks??

An entirely different kind of freaking out!!!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!

I came out of toe-stand WITHOUT HANDS for the first time EVERRRRR tonight!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen, guys, I’ve been working on this for more than half my life!!! I grew up practicing at the most amazing studio. No, really, it’s just not your average Bikram experience. The owner, her dad and sister are all teachers, and the entire studio simply buzzes with this overwhelming sense of love and encouragement. They started showing me this one within my first year of practicing. Going down without hands has never been an issue. I can go down straight without bending at the waist too, but that weirds some teachers out, so I generally don’t.

As far as coming up… You know how teachers can sometimes see things building before we fully experience it? They’ve seen something in this transition for the past 15 years- the teachers from my home studio, local teachers, visiting teachers, posture clinics over and over and over people have seen this building, ready, rightthere, yet I have NEVER managed to master the execution!

Then BAM tonight, both sets!!! And the teacher missed them both!

I totally threw myself a yoga party in the mirror!

I’ve been eating. It’s like a non-issue. I had to take a break from recording, but I guarantee I’ve been close to the target number for the past several days. It’s a huge, terrifying number, and the mirror keeps screaming that I’m fat.

So be it.

It’s hard to hate on a body that can do such amazing things. In the past two weeks:
• I’ve started coming out of standing head to knee with control (not consistently, but it’s happening)
• I’m holding all 4 standing bows for all/most of the dialogue
• quit faking/half-assing through stick
• finally figured out how to get my elbows to my shins without falling on my face in head to floor
• stopped skipping triangle
• TOE TO TREE WITHOUT HANDS!!!!
• locust (3rd part)- one of these days I’ll get to the other side… But for now, I stay in the whole time.
• floor bow- it’s gonna happen y’all.
• full camel- I can see my freaking toes! I just have to get brave enough to go for it! I sooooo despise being reprimanded for trying. The teacher tonight flashed me some thumbs up after 2nd set. I doubt she’d mind if I tried.

So. Fat or not. I love yoga, and I’m proud of myself!

Especially tonight. I haven’t seen Dr. J in 10 days! Today I propped my computer up, and worked standing because my hips and shoulders hurt too much for sitting. I absolutely did NOT expect to bust out with an awesome practice!