And THAT is what we call yoga!

Tonight. Was. Excellent!
Not, in and way extreme, in the room or my body. It wasn’t super hot or humid, but those things weren’t missing either. I did nothing stellar, just good, solid, middle of the road practice.

I woke up early and cooked a huge, awesome breakfast today!

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Tempeh, black beans, okra, onions. It was good stuff.

I could have, but chose not to, remedy the blue lunch fiasco. Because, I’m a losers like that.

I considered snacking on applesauce about 2 hours before practice… But again, didn’t.

I’m in the parking lot at work now, basking in some post yoga bliss before getting back to business.

We work with this lady… She doesn’t work for the company, just does business with us frequently, and always brings food when she comes. She knows all of us by name and is just a sweetheart.

Today she popped in and dropped off food… Without conducting any meetings. She was mega excited and ran around to everyone “I brought turnovers! I brought turnovers! I brought 22 turnovers! They are all different flavors!!” She skipped me. Of course. Would I have eaten a turnover? Not a chance. But I hate being left out all the time, and I’m working really hard to be different. It makes me feel like the opportunity to say “yes” is lost forever, and even if *I* can change, the expectation to be “that girl who doesn’t eat” will remain.

Anyhow, while I was lamenting the turnover exclusion, the woman returned to my desk. “I brought you apples. Aren’t you proud? Something healthy? I brought healthy apples. They are apple slices. In a package. No one touched them. Do you want some apples. They are sliced. In a package.”

… *sigh* she tried.

But she made it “a thing” so I couldn’t say yes. I felt just as alienated as I did while being passed over for turnovers and wanted to disappear.

Logically. I can see the effort she put in. I know it was sweet, and well intended, and I should have just said “thank you” taken the apples.

It’s no wonder really that people think I’m a bitch.

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I guess there’s a human in there after all….

I got adjusted today!

I had musli with plain almond milk for breakfast. I have sweetened soy milk in the house right now, for something I’m going to cook (probably) tonight. It’s so thick and rich and delicious… And 3x the calories of almond milk! I couldn’t convince myself to have it with breakfast. So every watery, almondy, musli bite was disappointing and irritating. But, for the first time all week, I was ok after I ate it.

THEN! About an hour later, I got really cold and had a cup of coffee to warm up. Almost instantly, my normal, anxious, painful, OMG-I-need-to-barf-right-NOW “breakfast feeling” returned. Usually, I have everything all together, as soon as I get to work, so I don’t have to stop what I’m doing later in the morning. After today, I think I should try eliminating coffee from my morning routine and see if breakfast gets easier. I can get pick up some of those camping hot hand thingies this weekend for when the office gets too cold instead.

We were slammed all morning, every time I tried to get up, someone was standing at my desk with a new problem, until it was time to leave for the chiropractor.

Everything was out! She was cracking up and kept saying “Seriously! I’d LOVE to know how you do this in just 7 days!” She’s out if town again next week, so I’m seeing her Tuesday… But I’m going to have to fight with my boss for it. 14 days is just way too scary!

Afterwards, of course, I stopped to for a special lunch. I already had it in mind that I wanted to try a Bananadog. I picked up a banana, almond butter, and tortillas. I ended up deciding on the GF ones, in continued support of my cousin. They also had more than double the calories of the tortillas I’d normally pick and Laura writes “stop worrying about calories!” In every e-mail.

… Sorry y’all

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This was simply not eatable.
Then I thought, I’d just eat the banana… But it was all touching and overwhelming and disgusting. So I threw the whole mess away.

I filled my water 4 times and had that dehydrated headachy feeling that sometimes comes after getting adjusted.

Yoga was GREAT!
Well, I missed the lizards. But Mr. Creepy was also absent. The room was perfect, hot, drippy, quiet. My body was flexible and happy. I came ALL. THE. WAY. OUT of standing head to knee with control!!!! My bows lined up. I actually tried and stayed in for stick. Head to floor is probably my most wishy-washy posture. I N E V E R know what it’s going to feel like. Tonight was decent- not perfect, but not crappy either. I survived all 4 triangles. It takes a few weeks to get the hips fully back into place, the left side still hurts, but it’s mind pain.

I used 1 finger to come out of toe-stand. I haven’t done it 100% hands free since that one night.

Floor series was good, strong, flexible, fun!

International yoga asana championship competition this weekend!!!! Watch the live stream on usayoga.org! I can’t wait!!!!

I <3 yoga

Did I eat today? I think so.
Water? Definitely not enough
Was my job fulfilling and enjoyable? Doubt it…

But who really cares!?

I love yoga!

It was hot

Kate was teaching.

I love her. She is intense, fierce, and has so much experience looking at bodies and knowing just how hard she can push. It’s impossible to take her class without improving.

She was NOT impressed by the Lizzy Committee, however! My yoga buddies and I do this tongue thing, whenever class starts getting too intense. If we notice each other struggling, or self mean muggin’ in the mirror, we catch eyes, make a face and stick out out tongues. It’s almost always enough to snap out of whatever internal roadblock has us snared up. It’s only yoga, right? Gotta keep things in perspective!

Anyhow, Kate caught one of these Lizzy Committee exchanges, and said something about it. After class, we explained what we were doing, and that the face wasn’t directed at her. The best part was… As soon as we finished telling her about it another Lizzy Committee yoga buddy walked in to take the next class, and immediately, without knowing, walked in an stuck her tongue out at us!!!!

I had some major Fat Yoga. But I told MV to shove it and quit being distracting. I got a smile after coming out of standing head to knee with control for the second time ever! I got a “very nice” during standing bow- radical change from “where’s your head!?” And/or “fix those crazy fingers!” (Usually both) I can’t wait to tell Dr. J! Floor bow got a wink and a nod… Since she didn’t explain to me yet again how to move in 3 different directions simultaneously, I took that to mean all body parts were properly aimed and the only thing left to do is let it come together.

Last night I made the most amazing chili!!! Remember, how when I planed for the week, I put down “single serving chili recipe”? Well…. Um, it didn’t have enough veggies for my liking. By the time I added fresh jalapeƱos, chili peppers, tomatoes, celery, carrots, squash, zucchini, onions, shallots, lentils, black beans, and quinoa, it became chili for 20!

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Of course, I masonized it.

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Today, during practice, my sweat felt like setting fire to every tiny scrape and paper cut it on my body!!!!

The consensus from the people around me, is that I’m awesome, and doing much better… But shouldn’t still be quite so terrified of pasta and whatnot. So we hatched a plan!!!!

I’m gonna go visit Super Cuz. She’s gonna be the boss, and swears that she’ll be able to hold her own against whatever kind of psychotic freakout MV throws her way. She’s pretty badass… If anyone can do that, It’s my cousin. I think it’s pretty comical that we are planning a trip to see someone I adore with the intent of INTENTIONALLY fighting! No idea when… EITF. I just thing is wonderful and funny.

Also, I want garlic bread… I’ll figure out how to do that within my rules. It’s gonna be epic. Stay tuned.

Progress… I think

Last night, after practice, I went back to work until midnight. I took Avery out, then immediately crashed, fully clothed, socks and glasses included, no dinner.

This morning I woke up late and HUNGRY!!! I inhaled a lentil brownie while taking care of Avery, then grabbed my clothes and got dressed in the kitchen while trying to figure out a snack. I still have 4 jars of the tempeh and had intended to bring that all week… But delicious or not, it made for crap yoga, and is therefore banned as lunch food! A lot of the suggestions on the snack list include yogurt, which isn’t really an issue. If you were to ask me “hey, do you like (vegan) yogurt?” I’d say yes… I just have a bit of a quirky relationship with the stuff. It’s not disordered, just me.

Anyway, I was tired and cranky and hungry and not in the mood to deal with yogurt this morning. So, I went for, what I had decided was the very strangest suggestion on the list… “Rice cakes, with butter AND cheese”
– 1st, any time I’ve gone so far as to eat a sawdust cake, it’s been because I was feeling excessively restrictive, so TOPPING a rice cake seemed ridiculous.
– 2nd, who butters anything? Oh my gosh, this was… Pretty much, mind blowing! Really, you mean butter is eatable? Not just used to keep things from sticking to pans, and in cooking?
– 3rd, butter AND cheese? That seems kind of gross. Like as a combination. It also seems excessive and indulgent. I mean, you’d think either ONE should be sufficient, right?

Oh well, it’s nice letting someone else be in charge, we’ve pretty well established that I can’t be trusted to make healthy choices when it comes to food. She put it on the list. And she promised to balance and maintain, not make me fat.

So, that’s exactly what I made!

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It took a bit of thought to figure out how to have 3 rice cakes with one piece of cheese. This triple decker style was perfect. And fun. I broke the cheese in half.

This weird snack was also delicious. Absolutely a winner in the taste department.

AND in the yoga department!!!

I had a decent class tonight. We had a brand new to our studio teacher, and Kate was there! New teachers bring SO much to the dynamic. Fresh voice, fresh perspective, fresh chance to make an impression… I always find new teachers motivating and inspiring. It’s an exceptional opportunity to progress. When you get stuck in a rut, and everyone around you knows that you are stuck, it’s easy to set up camp and call it home, new eyes can blast you out of that comfort zone.

This girl was dynamite too! Her energy and voice were fantastic! She’s going to be a powerful addition to our teacher line up, and I’m stoked.

Between her, and practicing beside Kate, I was definitely in the mind set to PUSH my limits. It was great! I was dripping before class even started! I was shaky still, and could use more strength (always). My shoulders were sore, but that’s ok. All in all, I don’t have much to whine about today!

Floor bow, is seriously happening. I think I got closer to moving the right parts in the right directions tonight. I reached a point where I was kicking, and suddenly felt different, the dynamic of the posture changed a little bit. I saw both toes. My legs are still too far apart, and my left arm is still kind of weird, but this is all extremely exciting! Kind of like when my standing head to knee just BAM appeared out of no where a few months ago.

I’m sore, and tired, and satisfied. There was nothing wrong with today. But I can see about a million ways to improve still.

Not very flexible, for a noodle factory girl…

One of the teachers in our area has this bit, about the steel factory and the noodle factory… We all have to come from somewhere. I’m a noodle factory girl. Big time. I kind of fall into postures with out very much grace or control. I sit, stand, and move in ways that others often find shocking or gross. I don’t do it to show off- well, I mean, I wiiiiiiilllll put my feet over my head any and every time someone asks, just because I can, so why not??? But normally, like if I’m sitting at my desk, or something, my feet and legs just kind of go wherever. And when I have an itch on my back, I just scratch it. I promise, I don’t sit around thinking up the craziest most contorted ways to get my fingernails to my spine. And since I can reach it, I see no reason to go slide up and down in the doorframe or request assistance.

…. But, for a noodle factory girl, I’m not very flexible. Therefore, today was full of fail.

I woke up REALLY hungry, and wanted a big breakfast, but was low on time and inspiration. I finally decided I’d take a jar of last night’s left overs to heat up in the microwave at work, since I don’t have one and there wasn’t enough time to warm it in the oven.

The microwave at work apparently broke last night.

I freaking lost it.

I was starving. I’ve been working hard all week and seen the results in my yoga. I know myself. I know that I can’t just skip breakfast. I was too afraid to ask to leave, it’s not like they care anyway. I have a cookie and a small container of protein powder in my desk, but I couldn’t. I know, you probably don’t understand, unless you know. I just couldn’t eat either one. I couldn’t eat my food cold. I couldn’t order something. So I just sat at my desk, in my 45 layers, freezing, and starving, and crying.

They ordered sushi for lunch. I wanted to sooooo bad. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to participating in the whole lunch business. But I couldn’t.

My boss was walking around passing out mini boxes if melted junior mints, that I might have wanted but definitely would have freaked out about touching… Thankfully, she didn’t even try to offer me one.

My friends invited me to trivia/dinner again. I REALLY wanted to go. But. I couldn’t, of course, because I had yoga clothes in the car and don’t know how to be flexible.

My yoga was shaky and horrible and unfun.

Not EVERYTHING that happened today was awful though.

Our computer system crashed at work. We use two, they work together, one is notorious for crashing and needing extremely long maintenance windows, so we have procedures in place for getting by without it. The other one, however, is the complete and total brains of the operation. Absolutely NOTHING can happen without it. That program has servers, and backup servers, and generators, and backup generators… That’s the one that crashed. So, I got paid to wallwalk for about 3 hours today.

I walked into the hot room and immediately came face to face with Fat Yoga. And, for the first time ever, in the moment as it was happening (not retrospectively after the fact) and all by myself, I was able to identify that Fat Yoga was actually MV, and ridiculous. You can’t go from all bones and points to FAT, overnight, especially on a day where breakfast did not happen. Once I realized all that, I was able to let the thought go (mostly).

I see Dr. J in the morning.

Tomorrow, I will try harder, and do better.

I will practice to build steel in my body, and noodles in my mind.

Alignment

*** caution may come out disjointed ***

Last night was HORRIBLE! Well, my yoga was good, which was cool, but I was still all hung up on my computer calling me fat, so all things disordered were at ultra roar volume.

Thank goodness Mother Nature was looking out for me when she planted my family tree. SC stuck with me like a trooper, and was quite insightful too. I learned a lot. You see, my cousin is gorgeous

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She’s confident and assertive and cool and about 7 million things that I’m not. Plus, she’s about the same height as me… Which is extremely unusual, and uncomfortable for me. Depending on how much time I’ve spent on the inversion table I measure 60-62 inches tall. I felt like a big awkward ogre around her, while she buzzed all around like a pretty little honey bee.

She said last night, that I looked fragile and she’d been afraid to hug me too hard.

It’s confusing.

I didn’t worry too much about being completely nuts last night. I knew I’d be seeing Dr. J first thing this morning to get my hips and brain put back where they belong.

The whole freak out last night started over soda… Which obviously carried over into this morning.

I wanted soda, but my computer called me fat.

I KNEW that this was ridiculous– I don’t even LIKE soda. I KNEW that human logic does not take two completely random things “I want soda now” and “my computer called me fat on Tuesday.” Make them completely dependent on each other, then obsess over the single thought for H O U R S. The whole thing was obviously completely anorexia derived.

So, I decided I would outsmart the MV. I’d go see Dr. J FIRST, then enjoy a soda in silence.

Only, it didn’t happen like that. Dr. J doesn’t just silence the thoughts. She obliterates all things disordered. Unlike the night I wanted soup but Dr. Phil said no, where wanting soup was clearly me and Dr. Phil was definitively MV, both wanting soda and the argument against it were BOTH MV!!

So, after I got adjusted,

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I ended up with this for lunch, there is real cheese in there, (not Plastic/American cheese), and I also had some Green Machine and a few nuts with it.

Guess what???

My yoga tonight, was off the freaking hook!!!! I suddenly remember why I LOVE yoga!!!!!! I laughed, had fun, worked hard, did everything, gave high 5’s to my friends, cheered for the first timers and made faces at anyone who was taking things too seriously. It was perfect. I was in the Yoga Zone, and it ROCKED!!!!

Lately, I’ve been bad about eating crap foods, because it takes less bites, less fighting, less internal war to to get the job done from a strictly mathematical perspective. This “trick” has left me feeling fat, tired, crabby and sluggish, with uninspired and miserable yoga.

Tonight, I learned that just eating enough, isn’t enough.

I need GOOD fuel to have good yoga!!!!

I’m in love with the way I feel tonight, and inspired to keep trying, so I can feel like this EVERYDAY, and it all just becomes natural with no more fighting, and no more MV!!!

Happy Spine, Happy Life

I managed to get an emergency appointment with the chiropractor today.

And last night, while I was so busy not sleeping from the pain… I scoured Craigslist for any possible, affordable, marginally safe alternative to my current living situation. Two wrote me back today; one is a girl who in her add described herself as a yoga loving, raw/organic foodie, wholistic life coach… But, idk, weird vibe.

The second one, I realized after the fact, is at the extreme southern edge of our county, where I currently live ON the northern most border… But so far, he and I seem to have clicked. We’ve been texting for hours. Our priorities, personalities, perspectives and lifestyles seem to be naturally aligned. We are meeting tomorrow after practice, and if it still seems right, I will gladly take a 55min commute over my current, toxic situation. “Cross your arms and twist like ropes” that he’s not some sort of cyber freak in person.

The chiro was interesting, to say the least. She delivered an outstanding performance, provided all functions one would expect to receive from a chiropractic professional. She listened to what I had to say and responded appropriately. She seemed surprised that I could point out exactly places that were malaligned. I even showed her 3 that she hadn’t noticed herself… I spend A LOT of time staring at myself in the mirror!

She asked why I hadn’t mentioned my ribs. “Ribs, huh? Those are fine.” I say, as she proceeded to put them all back where they belonged. It made me feel all cool and Esak/Jedi Fight Club/Backbending-y.

Her Front Desk Agent (is that PC?) asked me, not once, but TWICE, if I was anorexic. I just kind of shrugged and confirmed. Then looked down just to check, I mean it’s true, I was in A LOT of pain when I woke up and didn’t pay much mind to my outfit… But I was still fairly certain I’d left my “I’m with ED” and “Ana’s Bitch” T-shirts home this morning.

When the chiro came in she said she wanted to do a little “experiment” and move my C2 just for fun, which she did. Then weighed me, backwards- did not let me look! And wants to see me again on Monday.

I was RAVENOUS by the time I made it home! I made polenta with salsa and queso cheese. It was my first time ever having or making polenta!!! I did look to see how much a serving was, but didn’t even think to read the rest of the label, or check how many calories. I didn’t write anything down either. I’m now in bed with the lights off, comfortable, relaxed, experiencing no panic or terror over the incomplete log entry. I also JUST realized, I didn’t cry when I was finished. I just ate it. Enjoyed it. Cleaned up, and got on with my night…

… Do you think it possible, that perhaps… She adjusted that stupid eating disorder right out of me?

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Salsa polenta is yummy!