Cause/Effect 5/20/13 (weird and wonderful)

I woke up still determined to have a good week, and still pretty adamant to hate all food. It was definitely a cup kind of morning. I mixed up chocolate almond milk, avocado, banana, raspberries, spinach and kale in the Ninja (It came out super thick like bright green ice cream!) poured it into my cup and got to work a half hour early!

I was sitting at my desk, feet in my chair, with my legs folded up so my thighs were against my chest, holding The Cup between my knees and drinking from the straw while working. I was having major issues getting the job done. My mind was like “too much avocado. This is disgusting. Too much fat. Doesn’t this taste just like eating a slimy stick of butter? You are so gross. Stop drinking this horrible fat.” And I fought back like a mini gladiator “it’s only HALF of an avocado! It’s healthy fat. I agreed to try! She promised, the goal was *healthy* NOT *fat*! She didn’t even ask me to gain! Just not lose! This is ok!”

Back and forth we went, until I decided to have a look and see how much was left…

Imagine my shock when I looked down and my PINK freezer gel cup was suddenly GREEN!!!! Yep, it cracked on the inside, filling my straw with neon pink freezer chemical crap and the outside with neon green smoothie!

Wanna guess how much freaking out ensued? I don’t eat chemicals! Even the stuff that’s supposed to be eatable, like those scary ice cream dot balls thingies. EW! And, let’s real here. I count calories. OBSESSIVELY. How on Earth does one calculate the caloric content of hot pink goo!??? Of course, everyone I asked, just thought I was either hilarious or ridiculous… Listen, I was totally serious, people and seriously freaking out. Next time, someone please just lie to me. Make up a number or something.

As an afterthought, I kind of wondered if it was toxic, so I googled the company… I’m not gonna die of freezer gel consumption.

The boy who sits beside me was like “what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like you are about to have a heart attack?” So I told him, but omitted the part where I was more worried about the number of calories, than the toxicity of the gel. He looked confused and goes “it’s really not a big deal. I used to drink those things all the time in high school, and I’m ok.” (I didn’t ask).

I left shortly after to get adjusted. She asked if I’d done anything but practice for the past 10 days, because everything was tight and out. It took forevvvvvver to get everything all put back… Including the left hip. I was right about that one!

I left starving, Of course. The tinnitus was gone, and the overall dark cloud of I-feel-like-crap had lifted. Sometimes, I’m really sore after, but today I just felt relieved! I stopped at Publix for sushi on my way back to work at 11. When I finished, I immediately wanted to go to sleep, so that won’t be happening again.

Then I realized that I had created a bit of a dilemma for myself, because I was full and sleepy and still had to eat at 12. Trust me, saying “oh, I just had something at 11, we’ll just skip today.” Would inevitably lead to “accidentally” eating at 11 everyday. As it happens, I got caught up in a project and couldn’t get away until 1. I decided this was ok, since the objective is to eat during the day.

The avocado poppers I made last night were disgusting. I hated them. I couldn’t decide if it was better to eat them, because I’m supposed to, or stop, because the experience was quite the opposite of “positive”. I ate them. Then I ate grapes. Grapes make me happy.

My yoga was perfect tonight. Not like… *i* was perfect. But it was a perfect yoga experience. Perfect temp. Perfect energy. Good yoga friends. I felt good physically. Mentally, I was focused and quiet. I wasn’t fidgety and had no problem doing every set. I think my floor bow is about to experience some kind of massive revolution. I’ve been getting lots of comments on it from multiple teachers lately. As usual, the flexibility is there, the strength is building, I just have to figure out how to tell my body what to do.

Something else, interesting happened tonight. I think, for the first time ever, I practiced face to face with myself in a way that was extremely UNdysmorphic. I am tiny. Everyone’s ribs stick out for standing deep breathing, because of the movement. My ribs just stick out. My intercostals visibly ripple with every breath, even from the second row, I could watch my pulse against my wrist in the mirror. I have gained tons if weight. I am normal. And still little. I’m not fat at all. Any soft places that usually freak me out… That’s there protecting my bones and my organs and stuff. I’m really ok.

Anyway. I’m not sure if it was the pink gel, or getting adjusted, or powering through the horrible avocado snack like a beast. But my yoga was awesome.

Let’s to it again tomorrow!

Except, maybe no freezer gel. GROSS!

Advertisements

GF for SC and other amazing things for Saturday

If you’ve been paying attention, you have probably noticed that one of the strongest assets to my recovery has been the unrelenting support of my cousin, SC. For real, y’all, she puts up with A LOT of shit from me/MV. And it’s not like she’s hot nothing better to do, and is all like “heyyyyy, lemme just sit around on my iPhone and text my crazy little southern cousin!” She’s got babies to pry out and her own stuff to deal with too.

Recently, SC’s chiro (and many others) suggested she try going gluten free. Well, I think we all know how this family feels about our chiropractic professionals, right!!!? Obviously, this is advice to be taken seriously! Serious, and seriously terrifying for a self proclaimed foodie.

So. I have pledged to join her into her new adventures in eating.

Why?

* why not?

* I have a seriously screwed up relationship with food, something at some point had to have happened to make me hate it. What’s wrong with me isn’t textbook anorexia– it’s weird. And it’s possible that I hate food because of the impact the things I eat have on my body… Who knows really *shrug*

* Gebi suggested eliminating ALL grains from my diet, so starting with gluten seems reasonable.

Most importantly
Anorexia is demanding. As a slave to the MV, the rest of the world sees a very skinny, very selfish, very bendy girl.

There has never been a moment that SC was too busy to deal with me. Never anything she was unwilling to try to help me. Never even a second that she gave up on me.

I can now do something to support SC. I can venture beyond myself, to do something unselfish. The two of us can learn about food together… It’s less intimidating than starting fresh in a world full of experts, ’cause let’s face it, most twenty something’s are quite experienced when it comes to just eating.

I’m excited!

Other good things from today…

I went into work, but realized I’d much rather spend my Saturday with my dog, so I left after only an hour. Avery and I had a lot of fun. I’m glad she is with me, and helps me when I get scared to go places or try new things alone I can do it for Avery. I decided today that we need Sam here with us, and that I am completely capable of caring for all 3 of us. I’m going to bring him home on Tuesday, when I go to let the former roommate’s dogs out!

Out day in pictures:

20130420-201036.jpg
Rainy trip to the farmers market

20130420-201115.jpg
Bark in the Park

20130420-201242.jpg
Dog store

20130420-201316.jpg

20130420-201331.jpg
Pool

20130420-201408.jpg

20130420-201441.jpg

20130420-201456.jpg

20130420-201508.jpg

We’re exhausted!

Getting there… Slowly

I can’t believe how much my life has changed in the past 2 weeks!

I am so excited about, well, everything!!!! I prickle with awareness and hereness and gratefulness. I want to try all the food. I want to touch all the things. I want to watch movies and talk to people. I laugh so much.

It’s not all perfect, of course.

20130405-234503.jpg
I was eating this burrito at my desk, and it fell apart. No big deal, right? I don’t have an eating disorder. I get my c2 adjusted. I can totally deal with spilled burrito. It stayed on my desk, and I kept working.

When I looked down… I realized I had sorted and lined up my burrito guts instead of eating them… Whoops.

I also think things like
hmmm. I’d really like to make some macaroni and cheese, then stir peanut butter in. Or maybe have a pb and cheese sandwich.
But I’m not really sure if that’s ok. I’ve never seen anyone else do it.

Today, the girl from work invited me to the gym with her. I will skip yoga for that! 🙂 I am in love with connecting, and everyone around me. I’m not very good at it though. I think I got a little bit stuck somewhere around 8 – 12ish as disordered nonsense took control of me. I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do, and I’m counting on The Universe to guide me towards people who will be patient and understanding while I figure it out.

Today, I think I got pretty close to normal with the food. I had my almonds, a green smoothie with strawberry, banana, spinach, avocado, almond milk, protein powder and peanut butter. I had my citrus. Some coffee creamer- with coffee in it, 2 packets of emergen-C, a burrito and some raisins.

I got adjusted again today. I brought a picture of Andrea’s perfect standing bow

20130406-000824.jpg
And used it to point out the problems with mine. She totally got it and said she has already working on the things that trip me up!!! I also learned that my “hips” don’t hurt. The pain that I have, is from my SI joint- which is rotated!

My yoga was pretty good too! Standing series kicked ass! It was almost my normal deal, my friends were there and I was smily the whole time. My hip SI joint popped LOUD and painfully during wind removing and the floor series was better than it’s been, but less fun than the earlier part of class had been. I’ve been doing a lot of reading tonight, and I think I’m going to put myself on sit-up restriction for a while. They are not conducive to SI healing, and I always feel like the pain builds with each one until the end of class is nearly unbearable. Near the end of class tonight I caught my reflection in the mirror, my eyes were bright red and full of tears. I was hurting!

I am so thrilled to see where this newest adjustment (har har) guides my journey. I have a sense that something epic is about to occur.

OH!
And I tried dandelion tea!!!

20130406-002452.jpg
It tastes like Cheerios!!!

Try-Food Challenge Week #3

This weeks Try Food Challenge was fun.

But first a brief update on yoga…. 😦
After 4 days off, no pain and lotttts if encouragement from the chiro, I practiced today.

Lets just say allll the angry may have evacuated my thoughts… But it took up residence in my body!!! I have never ever had such a horrible, painful class!!!! My hip asked if it could detach and run away. My knee was ready to join it… Even my toes and the top of my right foot locked up.

Please little demons move back into my mind and leave my yoga alone!

20130401-203007.jpg

Good-bye Painful, Fat Yoga Monday. Please do not come back!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. Glad I got that off my chest.

This weeks food challenge was

20130401-204052.jpg

Kale, Leek and Uniq

I ate the Uniq by itself. And for a citrus with such a special name… It was quite unremarkable. Uniq is a hybrid between the tangerine and the grapefruit. Leave well enough alone, I say. It wasn’t bad. Just nothing special either.

I had fun with the kale

20130401-205420.jpg

It went in the soup. My aunt and Gebi both said to make kale chips on my car dashboard… Next time.

And leek.
I didn’t take any pictures, it went in the soup too. It was like a giant scallion on steroids, with a tamer flavor. I like it.

Guess what Gebi wants me to try next!?!?!?
….
….
!!!!
….

20130401-205751.jpg

DANDELION!!!!!!

Yikes!

Have any of you eaten these guys? Tips? Advise? He said “just eat your lawn.” We don’t have any… Have you ever seen them to buy in the store?

Try-Food Challenge

Try-Food Challenge
Week 1, Part 3

20130323-153507.jpg
Cactus Pear

The final Try-Food from last weekend is the cactus pear, because they are pink, and I like pears. I like most fruits and figured it would be the easiest of the 3 challenge foods I picked…

So, Teenie, if this was so easy why did you ignore it for a week?

Good question! You see, I ran into a bit of a hang up when I started Googling what to to do with it. The majority of the websites I checked advised wearing heavy leather work gloves while handling fresh cactus pears. They also assured readers that cactus pear from a grocery store would be specially scrubbed and safe to touch with bare hands. Nonetheless, the thought was there, and I was now afraid to interact with my little pink fruit.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

It’s 4pm. So far today, I’ve had Gebi’s soggy almonds and citrus, but nothing else. It’s hailing, and our power’s been out for hours.

20130323-155130.jpg
even my iPhone knows the weather is bad

Everything I have, either needs to be blended or heated up…. Everything, that is, except my scary cactus pear. I’m not exactly gaining (or even maintaining) at the moment. I know I need to have lunch.

If not now, when? (I guess)

So, without touching the pear, I dump the fruit bowl onto a plate. Take a deep breath,

20130323-160419.jpg
And cut a line down the length as instructed by YouTube. Can you tell from my fingers I really didn’t want to be touching that thing?

Next, I used the knife to peel back the skin and cut up the edible part.

20130323-161003.jpg

It did NOT taste like watermelon bubble gum at all!!! I don’t think it really had much flavor at all, to be honest. What it did have was seeds, which are edible. However, mixed texture with crunchy things in something soft is considered capital offense by my mouth and punishable by immediate death via garbage disposal.

Plus, it dyed my fingers,

20130323-162047.jpg
Strike 2 cactus pear, you’re outta there!

Presently, I have no power and no lunch, BUT I do know that I dislike cactus pears!