Who’s really crazy!?

I couldn’t possibly eat an ENTIRE banana. That would surely kill me.

I woke up absolutely POSITIVE of this “fact”.

Now, when facts and rules conflict, obviously, the rules have to change, because facts are facts.

And the fact of the matter is, there is absolutely no way I could possibly eat and entire banana at one time.

So. I e-mailed the dietitian, attempting to bargain- how about I still eat a snack, just make it half of a banana.

To which she replied- you’d like to add half of a banana to what you are currently eating??? SURE!

Um, no! Helloooooooo! Don’t you know that it is a FACT that I can not possibly eat an entire banana at one time!

No doubt about it. She’s nuts.

I was all fired up and ready to argue.
But my phone sat in silence, indicating that she perhaps was not.

When it finally did buzz, it was just a reminder that I was seeing Dr. J today instead of Friday this week.

I should have canceled that. I felt fine. I only practiced twice since last time and my hips didn’t even hurt.

But I went anyway.

Everyone knows that it’s I FACT that its impossible to eat an entire banana at once and I feel fine, I bemoaned.

My c2 was definitely out.

She also tried something new, that was amazing… I’ll google and share later.

Anyway, I left her office, went straight to Publix, and bought a banana, plus non-gross tortillas to revisit the Bananadog…

Which was fantastic, and I ate the whole thing!

No doubt about it. I’m nuts!!!

This is exactly why I totally depend on the people around me and should not be trusted to make decisions for myself, especially when it comes to food.


I guess there’s a human in there after all….

I got adjusted today!

I had musli with plain almond milk for breakfast. I have sweetened soy milk in the house right now, for something I’m going to cook (probably) tonight. It’s so thick and rich and delicious… And 3x the calories of almond milk! I couldn’t convince myself to have it with breakfast. So every watery, almondy, musli bite was disappointing and irritating. But, for the first time all week, I was ok after I ate it.

THEN! About an hour later, I got really cold and had a cup of coffee to warm up. Almost instantly, my normal, anxious, painful, OMG-I-need-to-barf-right-NOW “breakfast feeling” returned. Usually, I have everything all together, as soon as I get to work, so I don’t have to stop what I’m doing later in the morning. After today, I think I should try eliminating coffee from my morning routine and see if breakfast gets easier. I can get pick up some of those camping hot hand thingies this weekend for when the office gets too cold instead.

We were slammed all morning, every time I tried to get up, someone was standing at my desk with a new problem, until it was time to leave for the chiropractor.

Everything was out! She was cracking up and kept saying “Seriously! I’d LOVE to know how you do this in just 7 days!” She’s out if town again next week, so I’m seeing her Tuesday… But I’m going to have to fight with my boss for it. 14 days is just way too scary!

Afterwards, of course, I stopped to for a special lunch. I already had it in mind that I wanted to try a Bananadog. I picked up a banana, almond butter, and tortillas. I ended up deciding on the GF ones, in continued support of my cousin. They also had more than double the calories of the tortillas I’d normally pick and Laura writes “stop worrying about calories!” In every e-mail.

… Sorry y’all


This was simply not eatable.
Then I thought, I’d just eat the banana… But it was all touching and overwhelming and disgusting. So I threw the whole mess away.

I filled my water 4 times and had that dehydrated headachy feeling that sometimes comes after getting adjusted.

Yoga was GREAT!
Well, I missed the lizards. But Mr. Creepy was also absent. The room was perfect, hot, drippy, quiet. My body was flexible and happy. I came ALL. THE. WAY. OUT of standing head to knee with control!!!! My bows lined up. I actually tried and stayed in for stick. Head to floor is probably my most wishy-washy posture. I N E V E R know what it’s going to feel like. Tonight was decent- not perfect, but not crappy either. I survived all 4 triangles. It takes a few weeks to get the hips fully back into place, the left side still hurts, but it’s mind pain.

I used 1 finger to come out of toe-stand. I haven’t done it 100% hands free since that one night.

Floor series was good, strong, flexible, fun!

International yoga asana championship competition this weekend!!!! Watch the live stream on usayoga.org! I can’t wait!!!!

Cause/Effect 5/20/13 (weird and wonderful)

I woke up still determined to have a good week, and still pretty adamant to hate all food. It was definitely a cup kind of morning. I mixed up chocolate almond milk, avocado, banana, raspberries, spinach and kale in the Ninja (It came out super thick like bright green ice cream!) poured it into my cup and got to work a half hour early!

I was sitting at my desk, feet in my chair, with my legs folded up so my thighs were against my chest, holding The Cup between my knees and drinking from the straw while working. I was having major issues getting the job done. My mind was like “too much avocado. This is disgusting. Too much fat. Doesn’t this taste just like eating a slimy stick of butter? You are so gross. Stop drinking this horrible fat.” And I fought back like a mini gladiator “it’s only HALF of an avocado! It’s healthy fat. I agreed to try! She promised, the goal was *healthy* NOT *fat*! She didn’t even ask me to gain! Just not lose! This is ok!”

Back and forth we went, until I decided to have a look and see how much was left…

Imagine my shock when I looked down and my PINK freezer gel cup was suddenly GREEN!!!! Yep, it cracked on the inside, filling my straw with neon pink freezer chemical crap and the outside with neon green smoothie!

Wanna guess how much freaking out ensued? I don’t eat chemicals! Even the stuff that’s supposed to be eatable, like those scary ice cream dot balls thingies. EW! And, let’s real here. I count calories. OBSESSIVELY. How on Earth does one calculate the caloric content of hot pink goo!??? Of course, everyone I asked, just thought I was either hilarious or ridiculous… Listen, I was totally serious, people and seriously freaking out. Next time, someone please just lie to me. Make up a number or something.

As an afterthought, I kind of wondered if it was toxic, so I googled the company… I’m not gonna die of freezer gel consumption.

The boy who sits beside me was like “what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like you are about to have a heart attack?” So I told him, but omitted the part where I was more worried about the number of calories, than the toxicity of the gel. He looked confused and goes “it’s really not a big deal. I used to drink those things all the time in high school, and I’m ok.” (I didn’t ask).

I left shortly after to get adjusted. She asked if I’d done anything but practice for the past 10 days, because everything was tight and out. It took forevvvvvver to get everything all put back… Including the left hip. I was right about that one!

I left starving, Of course. The tinnitus was gone, and the overall dark cloud of I-feel-like-crap had lifted. Sometimes, I’m really sore after, but today I just felt relieved! I stopped at Publix for sushi on my way back to work at 11. When I finished, I immediately wanted to go to sleep, so that won’t be happening again.

Then I realized that I had created a bit of a dilemma for myself, because I was full and sleepy and still had to eat at 12. Trust me, saying “oh, I just had something at 11, we’ll just skip today.” Would inevitably lead to “accidentally” eating at 11 everyday. As it happens, I got caught up in a project and couldn’t get away until 1. I decided this was ok, since the objective is to eat during the day.

The avocado poppers I made last night were disgusting. I hated them. I couldn’t decide if it was better to eat them, because I’m supposed to, or stop, because the experience was quite the opposite of “positive”. I ate them. Then I ate grapes. Grapes make me happy.

My yoga was perfect tonight. Not like… *i* was perfect. But it was a perfect yoga experience. Perfect temp. Perfect energy. Good yoga friends. I felt good physically. Mentally, I was focused and quiet. I wasn’t fidgety and had no problem doing every set. I think my floor bow is about to experience some kind of massive revolution. I’ve been getting lots of comments on it from multiple teachers lately. As usual, the flexibility is there, the strength is building, I just have to figure out how to tell my body what to do.

Something else, interesting happened tonight. I think, for the first time ever, I practiced face to face with myself in a way that was extremely UNdysmorphic. I am tiny. Everyone’s ribs stick out for standing deep breathing, because of the movement. My ribs just stick out. My intercostals visibly ripple with every breath, even from the second row, I could watch my pulse against my wrist in the mirror. I have gained tons if weight. I am normal. And still little. I’m not fat at all. Any soft places that usually freak me out… That’s there protecting my bones and my organs and stuff. I’m really ok.

Anyway. I’m not sure if it was the pink gel, or getting adjusted, or powering through the horrible avocado snack like a beast. But my yoga was awesome.

Let’s to it again tomorrow!

Except, maybe no freezer gel. GROSS!

Ready for a better week!

Last week was horrible.
I read somewhere about “doing the next best thing”, which I took to mean, not so much opting for second best, but focusing forward and looking for the next opportunity to make the very best choice.

I didn’t plan anything on Friday. I tried, but couldn’t.

I didn’t shop on Saturday. I tried, but ended up crying in Whole Foods.

I told myself I’d do everything Monday after seeing Dr. J, and getting the notes from last week, and practicing. Of course, we all know that’s absurd. I can barely even be convinced to feed myself a pre-made jar when I get home at night, much less plan, shop and prepare something. So, really, I had pretty much already decided not to eat anything all week. MV was simply giddy, about this!


At 5:00…

My e-mail buzzed, and the notes came! I read through it, got to the bottom and… Had to SIGN it! It’s, like, a contract! Whoa! That’s some serious business!

Well, since I no longer had a good excuse not to, I crammed my entire weekend routine into one evening! It took me 2 hours to read everything and plan, 2 hours to shop and I spent 3 hours cooking.



I really like the way the wording came out for #2, on the short term list. All this time, and no one has actually suggested that. It’s all very militant. I eat because there are rules, and I have to. It’s easiest while highly distracted. At home, I watch videos on YouTube. At work, I eat at my desk, instead of during my breaks. I never look. I’ve been trying to come up with ways to make it more positive.

There were a lot of scary things on the list, like crackers, butter, cheese/vegan cheese, yogurt, granola, bread and tempeh. I keep earth balance and vegan cheese at the house, and will use yogurt for stuff, but I never just EAT any of those things.

I had already agreed to try the tempeh, but it ended up becoming more complicated than I expected. I couldn’t figure out what to do with it! After hours and hours and hours on Pinterest, I decided tempeh is for, like, advanced eaters. Everything I found was complex, involved a lot of flavors and textures, or was BBQ, which I loathe. I am more of a novice eater and needed a simple, easy, isolated, introduction to tempeh. Finally, I got smart and googled “tempeh for toddlers” BINGO. Make cubes and brown in olive oil, season with salt and pepper. That. I can totally handle!

At the store, I decided bread and granola could wait for a while. I am trying enough new things and those are both really hard.

When I got home,

ready to go

I made the tempeh first, to get the hardest out of the way first. I used coconut oil instead of olive oil, because it’s fun to cook with, it heats up different than olive oil… Idk, some nerd probably has a nice science-y explanation somewhere out there in cyber space. I just go with what works. I tasted the finished tempeh and liked it. 🙂 I divided it into four 4oz jars to be snacks.


I also made

Avocado poppers
I cut half an avocado into cubes, dunked them in almond milk, then rolled them in some “bread crumbs” (lentil chips that I had run through the coffee grinder), squirted with lemon juice and baked in the oven.

Overnight Oatmeal

Stuffed peppers with lentils and black beans instead of polenta, because I agreed to try eating more protein.

More lentil brownies, this time I used dates, less sugar and a different kind of yogurt. The batter ended up extremely thick and cooked up more like lentil cake than lentil fudgey brownie . It’s not bad.

Then, I was tired, so I didn’t make any more dinners, but I don’t really mind doing that during the week. I’m just not a morning person and don’t like to have to think when I wake up. Making snacks is new, and requires lots of thought, so the more planned, the better.

I’m excited to try some new things, and work on improving my yoga through better fuel this week!

Deepening the backbend

I got adjusted today.
Dr. J. Said “you’re lookin’ kinda ribby today, how long have you been out for.”
It’s interesting. I thought this week was pretty ok, but my c2 was out. Last week, it stayed but I was more or less terrorized the entire week. This week only a few ribs were out (probably because I only practiced once), last week I practiced tons and my ribs were all kinds of jacked up by Friday… I’m starting to think they are just as important as the c2 in this equation.

When I got back to work, I gave my supervisor a PTO request for next weeks adjustment, because she won’t let me work around any appointments, and even though this one is every Friday, she can’t give me an hour for lunch every week. She has told me it’s “not fair” to keep asking for schedule changes. She told me “everyone has stuff going on. Just deal with it and work your schedule.” She said “what are you going to do when you run out of personal time?”

It’s always like this. Um, I work 9-5… Most of the people I am taking time off to see, also work 9-5. What would she like me to do???

Today, after 20 minutes of going round and round in circles. I decided I was sick of it. I told her, I absolutely depend on these appointments to be able to function, and she eventually (reluctantly) said to stop using personal time for Dr. J. She’d just figure something out. But the whole thing is exasperating and humiliating and we go through the same thing every single time. I’m working my ass off trying to deal with all this crap, it’s hard enough already. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to ask for time that I need to be able to care for myself. I shouldn’t have to worry about what will happen when I run out of hours. It’s not like I’m asking for beach days or anything.

So, I got down and dirty with the Google, and our little friend, the Americans with Disabilities Act… Wouldn’t you know, eating disorders are totally protected here, not maybe, not, well if you bend the phrasing this way it could work. Nope, eating disorders are clearly and directly protected.

Our office is open 5a-1a, I am the only person in my department, I don’t interface with our clients, and what I do is not critical to the main workflow. I mean, like if my stuff doesn’t get done, it will eventually start messing other things up. But productivity doesn’t come to a screeching halt when I’m not there. Plus, I work for a big-ass national corporation… Coming in 30 minutes early in order to add 30 minutes to my lunch, or working 11-7 instead of 9-5 occasionally is not going to create any kind of “undue hardship” for the company.

Technically, if I really wanted to push it, my indoor snow gear would also be a reasonable request, as it has no financial impact on the company, and I need the extra warmth.


I e-mailed the corporate HR hotline.

Self advocacy, adding a little more depth as I continue bending over backwards to save my own life.

Restoring order

I can’t believe how instant and completely Dr. J can change things for me!!!

I left her office and went straight to Publix to find some lunch. We ran a bit long today because my shoulder was pretty determined to remain dysfunctional. Then, we realized she forgot to do my wrists and elbows (and you though chiropractors only played with spines), which I NEEED like an addict. OMG! Seriously, I need to teach Avery how to adjust my elbows. It’s going to be a mandatory prerequisite for my future spouse too.

Anyhow, I was a little late getting back to work…

**Side note**
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned here, but I am CONSTANTLY in trouble for being late. Now, part of that was living in the village and having a long ass commute. Part if it had to do with breakfast wars. And Pinterest might be a tiny bit to blame on occasion as well.

So, I could have made it, if I’d gone straight from Dr. J, back to the office. But “Ding Dong, the MV’s gone!” I was getting some food, damn it! I e-mailed my supervisor and let her know. Then, when I got back I was giving her my times for next week, and told her I’d gotten back late because we ran a bit long and I HAD to eat. She smiled and told me not to worry about it on those days.

My ears were poppy and my equilibrium was completely off again in yoga today… I’m pretty sure the last time I had a yoga-on-the-high-seas-practice was also my first class post adjustment last week.

Tonight, Avery and I baked brownies!


Don’t worry! I keep her safe when I open the oven door!


But, since puppies can’t have brownies,

We made cheese eggs too!

Avery likes coconut peanut butter too 😉


I like brownies!!!


I haven’t been able to cook anything because the sink wasn’t working when I moved in. But today I came home to this,


How totally sweet are the maintenance dudes at my new digs?

Girls who make poor choices….

… Don’t get to practice yoga.

Today was a hard day.

I had a lot of fun at Zentangle last night, don’t get me wrong, but I had to work realllllly hard for it. I had to actively focus on staying present and remind myself to experience the moment. MV was extremely loud.

At 3 o’clock this morning, I woke up in a complete panic. I write pretty much anything here, but this time, let’s just say that, what happened next was EXTRAORDINARILY disordered. I only got about 2 hours of sleep all night.

I was frozen, and distracted all day at work. I had a cup of green tea in the morning, never once picked up my water bottle, and ate nothing all day.

I felt completely out of control. MV had on her boxing gloves and was beating the crap out of me… But Super Cuz had hers on too, and she was all queued up for a good fight.

SC: When do you see Dr. J again?
Me: who?
SC: Dr. J! When do you go back to see her?
Me: *trying hard to figure out if I know this Dr. J… FINALLY! I get there!* tomorrow

Later, SC sends me this gem
Stop it! Fuck off MV!!!!!

I didn’t practice.

* played with Avery
* figured out how to use the laundry card
* went to Wal-Mart to get some oil for my car and pick up a few things

We were bacteria at horrible and traumatic as far as food shopping goes.

A nice man in the parking lot helped me add the oil to my car.

When I got home, I hung on the inversion table. Then used my newly obtained tools to put my newly learned skills into action
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It hit me tonight! Drawing like that… It restores order.

When I draw lines, I feel the same kind of relief and contentment that I get from sorting my food.