Cause/Effect 5/20/13 (weird and wonderful)

I woke up still determined to have a good week, and still pretty adamant to hate all food. It was definitely a cup kind of morning. I mixed up chocolate almond milk, avocado, banana, raspberries, spinach and kale in the Ninja (It came out super thick like bright green ice cream!) poured it into my cup and got to work a half hour early!

I was sitting at my desk, feet in my chair, with my legs folded up so my thighs were against my chest, holding The Cup between my knees and drinking from the straw while working. I was having major issues getting the job done. My mind was like “too much avocado. This is disgusting. Too much fat. Doesn’t this taste just like eating a slimy stick of butter? You are so gross. Stop drinking this horrible fat.” And I fought back like a mini gladiator “it’s only HALF of an avocado! It’s healthy fat. I agreed to try! She promised, the goal was *healthy* NOT *fat*! She didn’t even ask me to gain! Just not lose! This is ok!”

Back and forth we went, until I decided to have a look and see how much was left…

Imagine my shock when I looked down and my PINK freezer gel cup was suddenly GREEN!!!! Yep, it cracked on the inside, filling my straw with neon pink freezer chemical crap and the outside with neon green smoothie!

Wanna guess how much freaking out ensued? I don’t eat chemicals! Even the stuff that’s supposed to be eatable, like those scary ice cream dot balls thingies. EW! And, let’s real here. I count calories. OBSESSIVELY. How on Earth does one calculate the caloric content of hot pink goo!??? Of course, everyone I asked, just thought I was either hilarious or ridiculous… Listen, I was totally serious, people and seriously freaking out. Next time, someone please just lie to me. Make up a number or something.

As an afterthought, I kind of wondered if it was toxic, so I googled the company… I’m not gonna die of freezer gel consumption.

The boy who sits beside me was like “what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like you are about to have a heart attack?” So I told him, but omitted the part where I was more worried about the number of calories, than the toxicity of the gel. He looked confused and goes “it’s really not a big deal. I used to drink those things all the time in high school, and I’m ok.” (I didn’t ask).

I left shortly after to get adjusted. She asked if I’d done anything but practice for the past 10 days, because everything was tight and out. It took forevvvvvver to get everything all put back… Including the left hip. I was right about that one!

I left starving, Of course. The tinnitus was gone, and the overall dark cloud of I-feel-like-crap had lifted. Sometimes, I’m really sore after, but today I just felt relieved! I stopped at Publix for sushi on my way back to work at 11. When I finished, I immediately wanted to go to sleep, so that won’t be happening again.

Then I realized that I had created a bit of a dilemma for myself, because I was full and sleepy and still had to eat at 12. Trust me, saying “oh, I just had something at 11, we’ll just skip today.” Would inevitably lead to “accidentally” eating at 11 everyday. As it happens, I got caught up in a project and couldn’t get away until 1. I decided this was ok, since the objective is to eat during the day.

The avocado poppers I made last night were disgusting. I hated them. I couldn’t decide if it was better to eat them, because I’m supposed to, or stop, because the experience was quite the opposite of “positive”. I ate them. Then I ate grapes. Grapes make me happy.

My yoga was perfect tonight. Not like… *i* was perfect. But it was a perfect yoga experience. Perfect temp. Perfect energy. Good yoga friends. I felt good physically. Mentally, I was focused and quiet. I wasn’t fidgety and had no problem doing every set. I think my floor bow is about to experience some kind of massive revolution. I’ve been getting lots of comments on it from multiple teachers lately. As usual, the flexibility is there, the strength is building, I just have to figure out how to tell my body what to do.

Something else, interesting happened tonight. I think, for the first time ever, I practiced face to face with myself in a way that was extremely UNdysmorphic. I am tiny. Everyone’s ribs stick out for standing deep breathing, because of the movement. My ribs just stick out. My intercostals visibly ripple with every breath, even from the second row, I could watch my pulse against my wrist in the mirror. I have gained tons if weight. I am normal. And still little. I’m not fat at all. Any soft places that usually freak me out… That’s there protecting my bones and my organs and stuff. I’m really ok.

Anyway. I’m not sure if it was the pink gel, or getting adjusted, or powering through the horrible avocado snack like a beast. But my yoga was awesome.

Let’s to it again tomorrow!

Except, maybe no freezer gel. GROSS!

I do bad things, and have strong yoga

I do bad things.
I take class under-fuled and in-hydrated.
I chug water after the final breathing, then run out on savasana to get rid of it before anyone else comes in the locker room.
I am mortified by this newest screwed up behavior. Why the hell can’t I control my damn self!?

Oddly, my practice was good tonight. I was sore, and had to work hard, but it was sore in the right places. I could stand quietly between sets. I was in control of my heart and breathing. It was not by any means effortless or what one might call “fun” but it was solid, the kind of class that you know can lead to wonderful things if maintained.

Plus, after class, Andy asked me about advanced, which was cool. When Amanda asked me the first time she said “you’ve gotten super tiny and super good, you should come to advanced.” I was well below normal at the time, and have lately been feeling too fat to try even if I could get the schedule worked out.

I practiced with a shirt on today, so I didn’t have to look at my marshmallow belly. I think it worked… But made me hot and gross.

Doubles Monday

Some how Doubles Monday turned into Fat Yoga Monday and now, in to Wednesday, that feeling has stayed with me. I even tried talking JC into having silent class with me after taking the 5 and the 7… He said no.

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I woke up to this little gem from Facebook-land.

Lets make this Strong Yoga (with Kate!) Wednesday!!!!

I don’t wanna (and NO!) Tuesday

The theme of the day is I DON’T WANNA!!!

Alarm went off, I don’t wanna get out of bed!

Almond time, I don’t wanna eat soggy nuts (and was saved by stupid on this one, I forgot to set them up last night… Bummer)!

I also didn’t want to go check in with brains and was tempted to text and cancel (Then go take doubles) right up until I walked in the door. Damn, too late.

* RULES: um, we didn’t actually make any, but I promoted Gebi’s 11am citrus as kind-of lunch, which seemed to be acceptable.
* GOALS: BMI = 19.5 (to which I said NO WAY!)
But this was actually kind of a funny discussion, and I’m quite sure I made some great faces.
Brains: ok, goals, I really want to see BMI up around 120.
Me: (immediately- without bothering to actually listen) NO.
Brains: yes. It can be muscle. BMI, 120.
Me: (whoa, I heard it that time! And probably stopped breathing for a second). Are you kidding me?
Brains: no. I’m serious. This is very serious.
Me: (start wondering if she means weight. Quick math. 120lbs for my height would be flirting with “overweight” I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, and shake my head NO again.)
Brains: Not weight! BMI!
Me: (panic mode extreme. I can’t even wrap my head around that math… But I’m absolutely positive it’s beyond excessive- considering the “obese” category simply states > 30. I can’t articulate a single coherent thought).
Brains: Oh! Not 120! Just regular 20!
Me: (breathe, process, settle) Um. No.
Brains: Well, how about 19.5?

I wrote it down. But have no intention to actually pursue this particular goal. 18.5 is “normal”. And normal people get to just be normal…. And normal is kind of the objective, right?

* My big mouth brought up our yoga party dinner, which resulted in the sharing of the blog addy… Yikes! I write EVERYTHING here.

After much internal debate. I have decided not to go back, re-read and/or edit anything. Nor will I sensor my thoughts or alter what I write. I blog for me.

Then I didn’t want to practice. Go figure.

The dogs took forever to pee. The last thing my roommate said as I was leaving this morning was “I’m putting your stuff in the drier right now.” Then for whatever reason, did not. So I didn’t have MY towel, MY “costume”, MY jammies. It through me through a loop. I left my mat at home and had to rent one. The spare bottoms I dug out of my car were too big, my old top was stiff and crunchy from being washed a thousand million times… Plus it was also too big.

But I went in. I got my Heidi class- the one I missed on Saturday. There were only 6 people there. Usually, I dislike small classes, but it was kind of a nice change of pace tonight. My right leg is still killing me!

I’ve been so certain that doubles would help… And to an extent, I was right. Yesterday was Doubles Monday. I made sure to get super hot, be kind, go as far as I could, instead of as far as I wanted. It felt improved today, but not better.

So I am here.

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Soaking in Epsom salt, and blogging from the tub (TMI?). I’m getting sleepy, and quickly losing interest in dinner. Meh. Maybe tomorrow.

Gigantic

I’m so unhappy. I feel huge and awkward, heavy, uncoordinated, ugly… And just the opposite of yoga. It hurts- physically. Emotionally. I feel lost, disoriented, out of touch with myself. I’m supposed to love this yoga. But I’m gigantic and angry. And not feeling very yoga-y lately.

So I practiced outside on my lunch today. No dialogue. No mirrors. I bent what felt like it needed to move. It felt nice. I still love yoga.

I need to love myself better.

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