Cause/Effect 5/20/13 (weird and wonderful)

I woke up still determined to have a good week, and still pretty adamant to hate all food. It was definitely a cup kind of morning. I mixed up chocolate almond milk, avocado, banana, raspberries, spinach and kale in the Ninja (It came out super thick like bright green ice cream!) poured it into my cup and got to work a half hour early!

I was sitting at my desk, feet in my chair, with my legs folded up so my thighs were against my chest, holding The Cup between my knees and drinking from the straw while working. I was having major issues getting the job done. My mind was like “too much avocado. This is disgusting. Too much fat. Doesn’t this taste just like eating a slimy stick of butter? You are so gross. Stop drinking this horrible fat.” And I fought back like a mini gladiator “it’s only HALF of an avocado! It’s healthy fat. I agreed to try! She promised, the goal was *healthy* NOT *fat*! She didn’t even ask me to gain! Just not lose! This is ok!”

Back and forth we went, until I decided to have a look and see how much was left…

Imagine my shock when I looked down and my PINK freezer gel cup was suddenly GREEN!!!! Yep, it cracked on the inside, filling my straw with neon pink freezer chemical crap and the outside with neon green smoothie!

Wanna guess how much freaking out ensued? I don’t eat chemicals! Even the stuff that’s supposed to be eatable, like those scary ice cream dot balls thingies. EW! And, let’s real here. I count calories. OBSESSIVELY. How on Earth does one calculate the caloric content of hot pink goo!??? Of course, everyone I asked, just thought I was either hilarious or ridiculous… Listen, I was totally serious, people and seriously freaking out. Next time, someone please just lie to me. Make up a number or something.

As an afterthought, I kind of wondered if it was toxic, so I googled the company… I’m not gonna die of freezer gel consumption.

The boy who sits beside me was like “what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like you are about to have a heart attack?” So I told him, but omitted the part where I was more worried about the number of calories, than the toxicity of the gel. He looked confused and goes “it’s really not a big deal. I used to drink those things all the time in high school, and I’m ok.” (I didn’t ask).

I left shortly after to get adjusted. She asked if I’d done anything but practice for the past 10 days, because everything was tight and out. It took forevvvvvver to get everything all put back… Including the left hip. I was right about that one!

I left starving, Of course. The tinnitus was gone, and the overall dark cloud of I-feel-like-crap had lifted. Sometimes, I’m really sore after, but today I just felt relieved! I stopped at Publix for sushi on my way back to work at 11. When I finished, I immediately wanted to go to sleep, so that won’t be happening again.

Then I realized that I had created a bit of a dilemma for myself, because I was full and sleepy and still had to eat at 12. Trust me, saying “oh, I just had something at 11, we’ll just skip today.” Would inevitably lead to “accidentally” eating at 11 everyday. As it happens, I got caught up in a project and couldn’t get away until 1. I decided this was ok, since the objective is to eat during the day.

The avocado poppers I made last night were disgusting. I hated them. I couldn’t decide if it was better to eat them, because I’m supposed to, or stop, because the experience was quite the opposite of “positive”. I ate them. Then I ate grapes. Grapes make me happy.

My yoga was perfect tonight. Not like… *i* was perfect. But it was a perfect yoga experience. Perfect temp. Perfect energy. Good yoga friends. I felt good physically. Mentally, I was focused and quiet. I wasn’t fidgety and had no problem doing every set. I think my floor bow is about to experience some kind of massive revolution. I’ve been getting lots of comments on it from multiple teachers lately. As usual, the flexibility is there, the strength is building, I just have to figure out how to tell my body what to do.

Something else, interesting happened tonight. I think, for the first time ever, I practiced face to face with myself in a way that was extremely UNdysmorphic. I am tiny. Everyone’s ribs stick out for standing deep breathing, because of the movement. My ribs just stick out. My intercostals visibly ripple with every breath, even from the second row, I could watch my pulse against my wrist in the mirror. I have gained tons if weight. I am normal. And still little. I’m not fat at all. Any soft places that usually freak me out… That’s there protecting my bones and my organs and stuff. I’m really ok.

Anyway. I’m not sure if it was the pink gel, or getting adjusted, or powering through the horrible avocado snack like a beast. But my yoga was awesome.

Let’s to it again tomorrow!

Except, maybe no freezer gel. GROSS!

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Cause/Effect 5/16/13 (and HR update)

I think, if today was a school student, I would give it a C.

Going back to The Cup and resetting was good. I had breakfast, and I ate the entire lunch/snack jar! 🙂

Awesome, right? Mostly.

Of course, you know what I did, don’t you? Same thing I did when I was learning to eat dinner… I halved my breakfast.

I might have enjoyed the snack, maybe. The almonds were a tiny bit stale, but I kind of liked them better that way- less crunchy.

I continued to feel dehydrated/headachy all day and drank 5000 ml of water, an emergen-c packet and a nuun tab.

** I was going to post numbers here, but decided maybe I should stop doing that. Let’s just say… The bottom line today was ugly. But I ate 3 meals and didn’t puke. So we’ll call it a tentative win.

I was happy with my yoga. Mentally, I had a kick ass practice- lots of self love, classmate love, yoga love. The good stuff.

Physically. It was meh. My stomach hurt a little. I have been extremely stiff in the mid spine all week- which is a bit unusual for me but who knows. I’m still convinced my left hip/SI is out. And I was reallllly dizzy throughout the standing series. However, I think it might be an inner ear issue more than a food issue and related to all of the tinnitus lately. Once we got to the floor, and I didn’t have to try to balance I hit the yoga zone. Everything just felt GOOD!!!

And I sure needed it, after the crazy HR meeting today! No hat, no scarf (well, I can have a scarf around my neck but not on my head), ear muffs are grey area- no one has ever asked to wear them inside the building before. Blankets, snuggies and space heaters are all acceptable options. My gloves are also acceptable. The only way to get the time off for appointments is intermittent FMLA. I was pissed at first, but actually think that will be ok. It just takes a long time to set up and I can’t take time off until it’s done… Which is kinda scary. But when it is, Dr. J will be covered, if I get freaky mid-week I’ll be able to schedule a last minute appointment without creating drama at work, any other appointments will be covered, zen tangle, late due to breakfast freak out and I would have been able to go home to eat the day the microwave broke without getting in trouble. Once it’s set up, I think it’ll be a good thing.

The HR person said to me “wow! You are super tiny!” Which was odd. I also got the feeling she was a little bit laughing at me the whole time. Anorexia is so misunderstood! Honestly, I don’t much care what she thinks. I know the truth. I know that if I could “just get better” I would have done it years ago. I know that I am doing everything I can to change my life.

Not very flexible, for a noodle factory girl…

One of the teachers in our area has this bit, about the steel factory and the noodle factory… We all have to come from somewhere. I’m a noodle factory girl. Big time. I kind of fall into postures with out very much grace or control. I sit, stand, and move in ways that others often find shocking or gross. I don’t do it to show off- well, I mean, I wiiiiiiilllll put my feet over my head any and every time someone asks, just because I can, so why not??? But normally, like if I’m sitting at my desk, or something, my feet and legs just kind of go wherever. And when I have an itch on my back, I just scratch it. I promise, I don’t sit around thinking up the craziest most contorted ways to get my fingernails to my spine. And since I can reach it, I see no reason to go slide up and down in the doorframe or request assistance.

…. But, for a noodle factory girl, I’m not very flexible. Therefore, today was full of fail.

I woke up REALLY hungry, and wanted a big breakfast, but was low on time and inspiration. I finally decided I’d take a jar of last night’s left overs to heat up in the microwave at work, since I don’t have one and there wasn’t enough time to warm it in the oven.

The microwave at work apparently broke last night.

I freaking lost it.

I was starving. I’ve been working hard all week and seen the results in my yoga. I know myself. I know that I can’t just skip breakfast. I was too afraid to ask to leave, it’s not like they care anyway. I have a cookie and a small container of protein powder in my desk, but I couldn’t. I know, you probably don’t understand, unless you know. I just couldn’t eat either one. I couldn’t eat my food cold. I couldn’t order something. So I just sat at my desk, in my 45 layers, freezing, and starving, and crying.

They ordered sushi for lunch. I wanted to sooooo bad. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to participating in the whole lunch business. But I couldn’t.

My boss was walking around passing out mini boxes if melted junior mints, that I might have wanted but definitely would have freaked out about touching… Thankfully, she didn’t even try to offer me one.

My friends invited me to trivia/dinner again. I REALLY wanted to go. But. I couldn’t, of course, because I had yoga clothes in the car and don’t know how to be flexible.

My yoga was shaky and horrible and unfun.

Not EVERYTHING that happened today was awful though.

Our computer system crashed at work. We use two, they work together, one is notorious for crashing and needing extremely long maintenance windows, so we have procedures in place for getting by without it. The other one, however, is the complete and total brains of the operation. Absolutely NOTHING can happen without it. That program has servers, and backup servers, and generators, and backup generators… That’s the one that crashed. So, I got paid to wallwalk for about 3 hours today.

I walked into the hot room and immediately came face to face with Fat Yoga. And, for the first time ever, in the moment as it was happening (not retrospectively after the fact) and all by myself, I was able to identify that Fat Yoga was actually MV, and ridiculous. You can’t go from all bones and points to FAT, overnight, especially on a day where breakfast did not happen. Once I realized all that, I was able to let the thought go (mostly).

I see Dr. J in the morning.

Tomorrow, I will try harder, and do better.

I will practice to build steel in my body, and noodles in my mind.

The cereal saga continues…

*sigh*

Next time I decide to make a major change… I need to consult my body first. Because, apparently, it was quite content being gluten free.

This morning, I woke up and got the cereal! I was freaking stoked. I also grabbed some of my beloved Green Machine… Sweet green happiness in a bottle!!!! I was so excited to try the peanut butter toast crunch that I didn’t even wait! I ate it dry in the car while driving home…
1) it wasn’t even yummy. It tasted sugary and fake and toxic and gross
2) almost immediately after consuming, I had to pull over and vomit. Then spent the greater part of this afternoon quite ill.

I tried a bowl with almond milk too. Just because I really wanted the stinkin cereal. Which I also, promptly threw up.

The green machine stayed, but it made me kinda queasy.

I never ever EVER drink soda. Ever! But decided to pick up some ginger ale which indeed worked to settle my stomach.

I was also subjected to the vicious return of MV, who had been remarkably quiet for all of last week. With my skinny jeans falling off, and BMI at 18.6, I just KNEW that I was fat and useless.

So. What changed? Just the gluten… We won’t be doing that again. But, because I have such severe issues with food anyway, I’m going to see how well I can handle being loosely GF, much like I am vegan-ish.

Tonight, I made brownies. I replaced the flour with ground lentils and the egg with black beans, for a delicious, chocolatey, protein packed dessert. They have regular yogurt, just because that’s what I had, but that could be easily vaganized with soy or coconut yogurt.

Not for me

Well, as mush as I love my Super Cuz… I’m abandoning my gluten free ways. I’ve come to this decision after a great deal of thought and reading most of Wheat Belly while confined to my apartment thanks to mass flooding, tornados and other delightful things for most of the day.
– I don’t have any of the physical GI issues that can be related to gluten consumption
– my blood pressure, EKG, cholesterol, blood sugar and all that business are all excellent
– wheat is an appetite suppressant
– I am already strict vegetarian- in and out of the home, read labels, everyday, without exception
– I am already vegan-ish, not strict, by any means, but avoid/replace as much as possible
– I am already reducing, eliminating, avoiding corn
– I have yet to like anything quinoa
– I can’t eat rice- MV, idk, my mind is strange.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lost 14lbs. I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve been stuck around 400 calories/day. It’s not MV. I’m not being tortured by my own mind. I’m just not hungry. When I am hungry, I get overwhelmed trying to find something within the confines of alllll that, and give up. I’ve eaten almost nothing but citrus and grapes for days. Not eating opens the door to mindlessly let old patterns resume control.

I am finally overcoming a lifetime of food related hell, and it shouldn’t continue to be upsetting. I cried in the grocery store over a box of cereal that I REALLLLLLLY wanted, but wasn’t gluten free. I tasted cinnamon toast crunch at a sleepover once when I was a kid. It was the best stuff ever… Earlier this week I saw PEANUT BUTTER toast crunch, and could have done back flips, I was so excited! I love peanut butter more than anything. I have spent years dreaming about the sugary goodness of my brief CTC experience, and I am finally (mostly) free from the internal antagonist, with a job and a debit card and everything that I could possibly need to bring that box of cereal home to enjoy like a completely normal, non-disordered adult. BUT it wasn’t gf. So instead I cried.

I have been distant, antisocial and all together miserable since eliminating gluten. I am losing ground with all of the progress I’ve made. For me, right now, this diet is destructively restrictive, while learning how to NOT restrict.

I’m sorry, cousin. I love you to bits and will continue to try GF foods and be GF friendly.

It’s heART therapy

Today was Zentangle again!! AND! Almost twice as many people came!!! It is so awesome! This time, dudes could tangle too! And several did, which was cool. We met a woman with pancreatic cancer. She was so articulate and confident while sharing her experience. She has become a spokeswoman, advocate and is currently finishing up a book chronicling her cancer journey.

Jordan- one of the organizers, a girl, not my Jordan, or Baby Jordan, made TONS of cookies. I don’t think I’ve spent time with anyone else named Jordan in the past 14 years. I introduced her to the guy who sat down beside me, and repeated myself a few times. “Jordan made the cookies. This is Jordan. Jordan, this is some guy, he likes movies. Jordan brought the cookies.” It was weird, not bad, just new.

I didn’t eat any cookies. But I brought grapes.

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And ate them!

Then!
I went to dinner with the organizers. They finished up the business cards they ordered for the zentangle group and ordered them.

Oh. We didn’t just go to dinner

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It was sushi.

That’s right. This girl ate new food. On a shared plate. In public. With a girl I hardly know. Using chopsticks! And did not freak out!!!!

Not only that, I liked it! Had fun! AND did no bad things!!! I went home really freaking happy.

Who’s in charge here!?

Could you tell tell I was having a hard time last week?

I was.

Yesterday, Dr. J didn’t bring instant relief. When I walked in she said she could see which ribs were out, just looking at me (yeah, because I lost 11lbs in the past 6 days!) She also said my c2 hadn’t moved. I even made her double check 3 times! She worked on my knees and hips a lot, put all of my ribs back where they belong, then, of course, did my elbows… And tried to feed me cheese- which I declined.

When my ribs are in place it is easier to breathe and less uncomfortable to eat. So, even though she didn’t move my head, it still helped… just not as fast.

Next week, I have lots of plans! I never in a million years imagined that I’d have a social life to interfere with my practice schedule! Wednesday, I get to go Zentangle again! Thursday is trivia (more on this in a bit), and Friday is a party at yoga- all classes canceled! I knew I needed to regain some kind of order so I can enjoy everything coming up.

This morning I went to RAM, it’s an art and farmers market held every Saturday under a nearby bridge. It’s always a lot of fun. I got an eggplant and some local honey. I even tried the three kinds of honey he had before picking one! The one I chose is called Gallberry, I’d never had it before. I’m not always very good at describing the way things taste. But he called the orange blossom honey “sweet” and the gallberry honey he described as “light”.

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I also got an eggplant. Now, I kind of have rules about eating foods that are blue/purple. So, I don’t really know why I decided to home with big purple veggie today… But I did.

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my eggplant joins my fruit bowl

I breaded and baked it

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to keep it gluten free, I crushed up baked Lay’s instead of bread crumbs

Avery likes to help me cook

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even though it’s out of focus, I just love her crossed eyes here!

I made stacked the eggplant with fresh tomatoes on some zucchini noodles (just julienned zucchini). It was really good… But the skin was still too much to deal with. I cut it all off.

Thursday, I’m going to trivia with some friends at a restaurant downtown. There will also be people I don’t know. I promised my friend two things when we made the plans:
1) I promised to eat something… But it doesn’t have to be from that restaurant
2) I also promised that following #1, there would be no doing “bad things”

I’m really scared. No matter what I do, I’m meeting strangers, who will instantly know that I am a freak. If I order food there, I’ll have a normal kind of unknown food meltdown. And if I whip out my usual 8 frozen grapes for dinner, they’ll be like “who eats grapes for dinner??” Froot Loops is the best stranger food, because they can be sorted and played with for a looooooong time. But I wouldn’t actually eat them. Nor do I want a box of sugary, toxic, GMO, death crispies anywhere near my living space. AND, they aren’t gluten free. I kind of need to decide what to do tonight, because my family is coming up tomorrow, and then once I’m into the work week, I won’t have time/remember to revisit this predicament until it’s too late to be proactive about it.

To review:
• I already looked up the menu where we are meeting. Of course I did. I love menus, right?! There isn’t anything that I’d eat.

• If I eat 8 frozen grapes they’ll think I’m crazy (which is kind of true, but I’m also working on changing that… Most days).

• I can’t eat Froot Loops

• We are meeting on Thursday- which means I will probably be the silent passenger in the MV car just doing whatever I can not to self destruct before getting to Dr. J’s office first thing Friday morning. No matter what I’m doing, it’s always 200 times harder on Thursday nights. For example, this week, trying to run a bubble bath was curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry worthy by Thursday night.

• SC knows and loves me, and she said even if she hadn’t already known that I was anorexic, she would have figured it out after watching me eat.

• I don’t want the strangers to think I’m a freak.

• I should probably just cancel with them

If you have any ideas….

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We’re just chilling here, open to suggestions.