Made of lead

I feel like a ton.
This is not disordered.
I do not feel fat.
I feel heavy.
Tonight I had a gap in half-moon for the first time ever in my life. You know, the part about shoulders, arms, and ears being all together… So didn’t happen for me.

Actually, while we are on half-moon, I am seeking some friendly advice from some yoga peeps. My hands to feet is newly locked out, real solid, no shaking or straining, I’m working my elbows back… It’s exciting, I’ve always had right hamstrings and never ever ever thought this would happen! But, as per my usual, it just showed up all by itself one day!

Anyway. My problem:
By the first set of hands to feel, I’m already soaked, so when I put my face on my shins, I I run into a bit of a sweat and eyeball issue. Dialogue says “eyes are open” but they get so filled up with burning salty sweat and it hurts. When I close them, occasionally I lose my balance, but I just feel insanely guilty for not following directions. Then there’s the whole problem of coming out. I’m well conditioned to be still between postures, and genuinely use those few seconds to calm and regroup. I can ignored most itches, fidgets and drips, but when I come out of hands to feet I NEEEEED to wipe my burning eyes! They are always bright red!

How do you manage this posture? I’m dying to know!

Today I had a lentil brownie at home. I brought a green smoothie to work in a mason jar, not a gel cup.

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This made for some REALLY interesting discussions with my co-workers. Apparently kiwi, strawberry, kale, chia, pb2, and chocolate almond milk doesn’t sound very appealing to most people. But that’s ok, McDonalds doesn’t sound very appealing to me.

I made the same snack as yesterday and still loved it!

My yoga was trying. I’m exhausted. The energy in the room was weird, everyone around me was squirmy, distracted and distracting. It seemed like there was a great deal of body discontentment in the room, lots of mean faces, side mirror checking, and fat poking was taking place all over the room. It was weird, I am totally guilty of doing the same thing., but it wasn’t me this time. I just wanted to hug them all and say “stop it. You’re fine. Just let it go, and practice.”

I had a hard time with class, extremely un-strong, sore, tight, and tired. But I was too beat to argue with myself and was quite pleased with the 3rd part of locust, and, of course, floor bow. It gets closer every time!

Not very flexible, for a noodle factory girl…

One of the teachers in our area has this bit, about the steel factory and the noodle factory… We all have to come from somewhere. I’m a noodle factory girl. Big time. I kind of fall into postures with out very much grace or control. I sit, stand, and move in ways that others often find shocking or gross. I don’t do it to show off- well, I mean, I wiiiiiiilllll put my feet over my head any and every time someone asks, just because I can, so why not??? But normally, like if I’m sitting at my desk, or something, my feet and legs just kind of go wherever. And when I have an itch on my back, I just scratch it. I promise, I don’t sit around thinking up the craziest most contorted ways to get my fingernails to my spine. And since I can reach it, I see no reason to go slide up and down in the doorframe or request assistance.

…. But, for a noodle factory girl, I’m not very flexible. Therefore, today was full of fail.

I woke up REALLY hungry, and wanted a big breakfast, but was low on time and inspiration. I finally decided I’d take a jar of last night’s left overs to heat up in the microwave at work, since I don’t have one and there wasn’t enough time to warm it in the oven.

The microwave at work apparently broke last night.

I freaking lost it.

I was starving. I’ve been working hard all week and seen the results in my yoga. I know myself. I know that I can’t just skip breakfast. I was too afraid to ask to leave, it’s not like they care anyway. I have a cookie and a small container of protein powder in my desk, but I couldn’t. I know, you probably don’t understand, unless you know. I just couldn’t eat either one. I couldn’t eat my food cold. I couldn’t order something. So I just sat at my desk, in my 45 layers, freezing, and starving, and crying.

They ordered sushi for lunch. I wanted to sooooo bad. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to participating in the whole lunch business. But I couldn’t.

My boss was walking around passing out mini boxes if melted junior mints, that I might have wanted but definitely would have freaked out about touching… Thankfully, she didn’t even try to offer me one.

My friends invited me to trivia/dinner again. I REALLY wanted to go. But. I couldn’t, of course, because I had yoga clothes in the car and don’t know how to be flexible.

My yoga was shaky and horrible and unfun.

Not EVERYTHING that happened today was awful though.

Our computer system crashed at work. We use two, they work together, one is notorious for crashing and needing extremely long maintenance windows, so we have procedures in place for getting by without it. The other one, however, is the complete and total brains of the operation. Absolutely NOTHING can happen without it. That program has servers, and backup servers, and generators, and backup generators… That’s the one that crashed. So, I got paid to wallwalk for about 3 hours today.

I walked into the hot room and immediately came face to face with Fat Yoga. And, for the first time ever, in the moment as it was happening (not retrospectively after the fact) and all by myself, I was able to identify that Fat Yoga was actually MV, and ridiculous. You can’t go from all bones and points to FAT, overnight, especially on a day where breakfast did not happen. Once I realized all that, I was able to let the thought go (mostly).

I see Dr. J in the morning.

Tomorrow, I will try harder, and do better.

I will practice to build steel in my body, and noodles in my mind.

Spell. It. Out.

This morning, I woke up cold and HUNGRY!!! Since I have no major attachment to “breakfast” food, hot lentil soup seemed like the obvious solution, at it was! Within minutes I was warm and satisfied.

I kind of eat breakfast 3 times.

5:30am: soggy almonds in bed as soon as I wake up

7ish am: veggies with either almond milk or Green Machine

9:30am: whatever is in my cup

I forgot to drown the nuts last night, so I had lentil soup at 5:30… Then I was FULL!!! I didn’t want anything before I left the house, or when I got to work.

I wasn’t actively trying to avoid eating. In fact, I was frustrated, because I knew NOT eating would affect my practice later. I just COULDN’T! It was all very confusing and upsetting. After carrying on about the whole thing for H O U R S, my cousin said the most brilliant thing ever!

“Then soup is not a good breakfast choice. U need something more calorie dense.”

^^^^ obviously ^^^^

THAT, is reasonable. I felt better immediately. I couldn’t understand why my schedule was failing. Sometimes, you just gotta spell it out for me!

I took doubles again tonight!!!!

My first class was GOOD! I was in the yoga zone and finished tired and pleased with my practice. I could have gone home.

But, the temperature was sooo perfect, my hips felt better than they have in weeks and my spine was begging to backbend. (Ok, I’ll admit, there’s was this tiny little compulsion to burn calories happening too). So I stayed.

My 2nd class was not as strong. I had nice standing head to knees, my standing bows were quiet and pretty, triangle HURT my hips, I skipped the 2nd set. I got giggly when we hit the floor. I don’t even remember why, but it made the teacher laugh, then we were just hangin’ out, crackin’ each other up, no one else was very amused. I think they’ed have more fun and improve faster if they laughed more often… It’s just yoga.

Tonight she said
Comparison is the thief of joy

It’s so perfect.
I’m soooo good at letting everything go in the studio.
I need to apply this to the rest of my life though.

Oh! I also need to spend some time OUTSIDE! I’m looking kinda chalky, and today my legs were so pale and blueish that they sort of blended into the walls.

I made macaroni and cheese with TONS of veggies and Morningstar crumbles for dinner when I got home. I made a lot, intending to have half for breakfast tomorrow… But I are the whole thing!

Given this morning’s breakfast debacle, plus doubles, I’m way wayyyyyy negative. But, one can only compensate so much.

I’ll make better choices tomorrow.

PS- I’m going for 4 days of doubles in a row!!! Call me BEAST!

Not a fan of Tuesday!

New week. New rules. New goals.

I always feel like giving up on Tuesday nights.

No doubt, my friends are sick of listening to (reading) my endless “irrational” texts.

It’s easy when I have yoga. I feel balanced, relaxed, content and food becomes effortless.

Days without yoga leave anorexia standing alone to do as she wishes (i.e. restrict. Restrict. RESTRICT).

Tuesdays mean no yoga, raging anorexia, and overwhelmingly impossible new objectives grapple with and projects to work through.

Visit any mall, the world is full of skinny, beautiful people. Tuesday should antagonize one of them instead!

~ Teenie ANGRY Yogini

P.S- and to the list of impossible goals “you are an adult, sit like one! No more W’s!”

P.P.S- W sitting is acceptable while in Fixed-firm though.