Jars…

Today was kind of rough, following my drunken adventures in eating like a normal person last night.

I woke up feeling like I drank too much.

Plus, fat, ashamed, guilty, angry, terrified because I didn’t follow the new food plan, and I don’t break rules!

I had an extremely hard time dealing with food and almost didn’t make any jars for the week.

I didn’t set up any summer porridge or fix any dinners.

I just made hummus

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It came out pretty darn close to the real thing, definitely better than the weird grocery store stuff.

Yesterday morning, I made pumpkin, maple, tempeh cakes, and have plenty left still, so breakfast tomorrow is covered.

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These were just ok yesterday when I made them, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, they were AMAZING this morning!

I steamed the tempeh (organic non-GMO, of course!) then put it in the blender with half a can of pumpkin and enough almond milk to get the blender going, then I added maple syrup- I didn’t measure but it wasn’t excessive, just enough for flavor, then applesauce for sweetness. It was very sweet, but kind of unexciting. So I added some chopped onion, crushed red pepper and pumpkin pie spice, which made for a really dynamic taste. Then I took the blade out and stirred in hemp, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, so they stayed whole, because I thought that’d look cute. I made balls and tried cooking in the skillet, but they fell apart, so I added coconut flour and baking powder then tried again. It worked, but next time I’d save the hassle and just bake them in the oven.

Remember, I said I had one more fun thing planned…?

It’s for goal #2 about creating more positive feelings towards food and while eating

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POSITIVE AFFIRMATION STICKERS!

I also tried to bring the snack/lunch time anxiety down, by making it colorful and fun.

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Celery, sweet pepper rainbow skewers!!

These look SO pretty in the textured jars!

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(I stickerized the big jars, after taking the picture to show all pretty colors)

There was a lot of space on the sides, so I added a few sunflower seeds and 3 cashews to the big jars.

Amazing!

I am paying attention more, and have started to notice a few things. All through my past two months of crappy yoga, I was rushing out of work, buying my nails through afternoon traffic, running into the studio with minutes to spare, squeezing myself out a spot, and diving right into class cold and stressed.

Today, I stayed at the office. I finished what I was doing. I checked my Facebook, chatted with a friend, drove calmly to the studio, when it when the doors opened, changed, set up in my favorite spot, and was able to start warming up before my friends started coming in… I get so distracted by people who love to talk yoga!!! I did about a million wallwalks- I always feel a little weird, because I am the only one who does them at this studio, and everyone always watches. But, my practice is SO much better when I do.

Everything is improving so fast right now! I’m constantly blown away! I’ve been all settled at my new place and my hips have been fixed for several weeks now. This sudden change has got to be diet related, I think. I have been vegan-ish for the past several years, but never very committed. That’s changing. Eating within the confines of GF, and vegan, whatever other crazy rules my mind makes up has forced me to get creative, learn more about the things I put into my body, and less afraid of them when I do. Today, ALLLLL day, I wanted Mac and cheese. But I couldn’t justify cheese sauce. And I still can’t eat pasta- not even GF pasta, because my mind is nuts.

I made this sauce (omitted butter, and used almond milk) out of cauliflower, tons of veggies, layered with lentils and quinoa, then baked. It was really stinking good, but a little bit of Diya cheese, would probably make for a more convincing “Mac and cheese” but it was really good this way too.

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I keep looking littler and more angular and bony everyday, but I’m gaining weight… So I must be adding muscle, which is pretty cool, I think!

How about we just be sweet, k?

Lately, I’ve gotten quite a few negative and/or condescending comments regarding my ventures in gluten free eating. They’ve all been deleted.

But I have a few thoughts.

1- I’m a human. We connect, love and support each other… Or at least we should. I don’t need a medical diagnosis myself, to alter my diet in support of my cousin. Didn’t Kelly Pickler just shave her head in support of a friend going through chemo? She wasn’t pretending to have cancer, just supporting someone who did. I know a man whose granddaughter was born deaf. He made a rule that every person in the family would learn ASL, and any time that baby was in the room, they were to sign. Was he suggesting that the entire extended family become deaf? NO! He was showing his little granddaughter that she was an equal, a member of the family, and entitled to inclusion. That’s love. We do hard things that we otherwise might not have to, because we love the people close to us.

2- If I decide I prefer the way I feel, while eating gluten free… Who cares? Really. Does any one say to the vegan “please show me that you are lactose intolerant in your medical charts before eliminating dairy from your diet.” No. Because that’s ridiculous. You don’t have to be medically adverse to meat to become vegetarian. People try things, and if it works, feels good, produces positive results… They continue.

3- I have anorexia. I make up lots of odd rules. My relationship with food is rarely logical. If I am successfully eating this way… Who cares what kind of diagnosis I have? People with anorexia die. People with celiac disease learn to eat gluten free and become healthy. If I can find my way to healthy, by mimicking you, be flattered, not degrading.

I don’t really understand why I’m even having to write all this, but let’s just try to be nice to each other, ok?

Thanks

The cereal saga continues…

*sigh*

Next time I decide to make a major change… I need to consult my body first. Because, apparently, it was quite content being gluten free.

This morning, I woke up and got the cereal! I was freaking stoked. I also grabbed some of my beloved Green Machine… Sweet green happiness in a bottle!!!! I was so excited to try the peanut butter toast crunch that I didn’t even wait! I ate it dry in the car while driving home…
1) it wasn’t even yummy. It tasted sugary and fake and toxic and gross
2) almost immediately after consuming, I had to pull over and vomit. Then spent the greater part of this afternoon quite ill.

I tried a bowl with almond milk too. Just because I really wanted the stinkin cereal. Which I also, promptly threw up.

The green machine stayed, but it made me kinda queasy.

I never ever EVER drink soda. Ever! But decided to pick up some ginger ale which indeed worked to settle my stomach.

I was also subjected to the vicious return of MV, who had been remarkably quiet for all of last week. With my skinny jeans falling off, and BMI at 18.6, I just KNEW that I was fat and useless.

So. What changed? Just the gluten… We won’t be doing that again. But, because I have such severe issues with food anyway, I’m going to see how well I can handle being loosely GF, much like I am vegan-ish.

Tonight, I made brownies. I replaced the flour with ground lentils and the egg with black beans, for a delicious, chocolatey, protein packed dessert. They have regular yogurt, just because that’s what I had, but that could be easily vaganized with soy or coconut yogurt.

Not for me

Well, as mush as I love my Super Cuz… I’m abandoning my gluten free ways. I’ve come to this decision after a great deal of thought and reading most of Wheat Belly while confined to my apartment thanks to mass flooding, tornados and other delightful things for most of the day.
– I don’t have any of the physical GI issues that can be related to gluten consumption
– my blood pressure, EKG, cholesterol, blood sugar and all that business are all excellent
– wheat is an appetite suppressant
– I am already strict vegetarian- in and out of the home, read labels, everyday, without exception
– I am already vegan-ish, not strict, by any means, but avoid/replace as much as possible
– I am already reducing, eliminating, avoiding corn
– I have yet to like anything quinoa
– I can’t eat rice- MV, idk, my mind is strange.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lost 14lbs. I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve been stuck around 400 calories/day. It’s not MV. I’m not being tortured by my own mind. I’m just not hungry. When I am hungry, I get overwhelmed trying to find something within the confines of alllll that, and give up. I’ve eaten almost nothing but citrus and grapes for days. Not eating opens the door to mindlessly let old patterns resume control.

I am finally overcoming a lifetime of food related hell, and it shouldn’t continue to be upsetting. I cried in the grocery store over a box of cereal that I REALLLLLLLY wanted, but wasn’t gluten free. I tasted cinnamon toast crunch at a sleepover once when I was a kid. It was the best stuff ever… Earlier this week I saw PEANUT BUTTER toast crunch, and could have done back flips, I was so excited! I love peanut butter more than anything. I have spent years dreaming about the sugary goodness of my brief CTC experience, and I am finally (mostly) free from the internal antagonist, with a job and a debit card and everything that I could possibly need to bring that box of cereal home to enjoy like a completely normal, non-disordered adult. BUT it wasn’t gf. So instead I cried.

I have been distant, antisocial and all together miserable since eliminating gluten. I am losing ground with all of the progress I’ve made. For me, right now, this diet is destructively restrictive, while learning how to NOT restrict.

I’m sorry, cousin. I love you to bits and will continue to try GF foods and be GF friendly.

GF for SC and other amazing things for Saturday

If you’ve been paying attention, you have probably noticed that one of the strongest assets to my recovery has been the unrelenting support of my cousin, SC. For real, y’all, she puts up with A LOT of shit from me/MV. And it’s not like she’s hot nothing better to do, and is all like “heyyyyy, lemme just sit around on my iPhone and text my crazy little southern cousin!” She’s got babies to pry out and her own stuff to deal with too.

Recently, SC’s chiro (and many others) suggested she try going gluten free. Well, I think we all know how this family feels about our chiropractic professionals, right!!!? Obviously, this is advice to be taken seriously! Serious, and seriously terrifying for a self proclaimed foodie.

So. I have pledged to join her into her new adventures in eating.

Why?

* why not?

* I have a seriously screwed up relationship with food, something at some point had to have happened to make me hate it. What’s wrong with me isn’t textbook anorexia– it’s weird. And it’s possible that I hate food because of the impact the things I eat have on my body… Who knows really *shrug*

* Gebi suggested eliminating ALL grains from my diet, so starting with gluten seems reasonable.

Most importantly
Anorexia is demanding. As a slave to the MV, the rest of the world sees a very skinny, very selfish, very bendy girl.

There has never been a moment that SC was too busy to deal with me. Never anything she was unwilling to try to help me. Never even a second that she gave up on me.

I can now do something to support SC. I can venture beyond myself, to do something unselfish. The two of us can learn about food together… It’s less intimidating than starting fresh in a world full of experts, ’cause let’s face it, most twenty something’s are quite experienced when it comes to just eating.

I’m excited!

Other good things from today…

I went into work, but realized I’d much rather spend my Saturday with my dog, so I left after only an hour. Avery and I had a lot of fun. I’m glad she is with me, and helps me when I get scared to go places or try new things alone I can do it for Avery. I decided today that we need Sam here with us, and that I am completely capable of caring for all 3 of us. I’m going to bring him home on Tuesday, when I go to let the former roommate’s dogs out!

Out day in pictures:

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Rainy trip to the farmers market

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Bark in the Park

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Dog store

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Pool

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We’re exhausted!