Amazing!

I am paying attention more, and have started to notice a few things. All through my past two months of crappy yoga, I was rushing out of work, buying my nails through afternoon traffic, running into the studio with minutes to spare, squeezing myself out a spot, and diving right into class cold and stressed.

Today, I stayed at the office. I finished what I was doing. I checked my Facebook, chatted with a friend, drove calmly to the studio, when it when the doors opened, changed, set up in my favorite spot, and was able to start warming up before my friends started coming in… I get so distracted by people who love to talk yoga!!! I did about a million wallwalks- I always feel a little weird, because I am the only one who does them at this studio, and everyone always watches. But, my practice is SO much better when I do.

Everything is improving so fast right now! I’m constantly blown away! I’ve been all settled at my new place and my hips have been fixed for several weeks now. This sudden change has got to be diet related, I think. I have been vegan-ish for the past several years, but never very committed. That’s changing. Eating within the confines of GF, and vegan, whatever other crazy rules my mind makes up has forced me to get creative, learn more about the things I put into my body, and less afraid of them when I do. Today, ALLLLL day, I wanted Mac and cheese. But I couldn’t justify cheese sauce. And I still can’t eat pasta- not even GF pasta, because my mind is nuts.

I made this sauce (omitted butter, and used almond milk) out of cauliflower, tons of veggies, layered with lentils and quinoa, then baked. It was really stinking good, but a little bit of Diya cheese, would probably make for a more convincing “Mac and cheese” but it was really good this way too.

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I keep looking littler and more angular and bony everyday, but I’m gaining weight… So I must be adding muscle, which is pretty cool, I think!

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The cereal saga continues…

*sigh*

Next time I decide to make a major change… I need to consult my body first. Because, apparently, it was quite content being gluten free.

This morning, I woke up and got the cereal! I was freaking stoked. I also grabbed some of my beloved Green Machine… Sweet green happiness in a bottle!!!! I was so excited to try the peanut butter toast crunch that I didn’t even wait! I ate it dry in the car while driving home…
1) it wasn’t even yummy. It tasted sugary and fake and toxic and gross
2) almost immediately after consuming, I had to pull over and vomit. Then spent the greater part of this afternoon quite ill.

I tried a bowl with almond milk too. Just because I really wanted the stinkin cereal. Which I also, promptly threw up.

The green machine stayed, but it made me kinda queasy.

I never ever EVER drink soda. Ever! But decided to pick up some ginger ale which indeed worked to settle my stomach.

I was also subjected to the vicious return of MV, who had been remarkably quiet for all of last week. With my skinny jeans falling off, and BMI at 18.6, I just KNEW that I was fat and useless.

So. What changed? Just the gluten… We won’t be doing that again. But, because I have such severe issues with food anyway, I’m going to see how well I can handle being loosely GF, much like I am vegan-ish.

Tonight, I made brownies. I replaced the flour with ground lentils and the egg with black beans, for a delicious, chocolatey, protein packed dessert. They have regular yogurt, just because that’s what I had, but that could be easily vaganized with soy or coconut yogurt.

Not for me

Well, as mush as I love my Super Cuz… I’m abandoning my gluten free ways. I’ve come to this decision after a great deal of thought and reading most of Wheat Belly while confined to my apartment thanks to mass flooding, tornados and other delightful things for most of the day.
– I don’t have any of the physical GI issues that can be related to gluten consumption
– my blood pressure, EKG, cholesterol, blood sugar and all that business are all excellent
– wheat is an appetite suppressant
– I am already strict vegetarian- in and out of the home, read labels, everyday, without exception
– I am already vegan-ish, not strict, by any means, but avoid/replace as much as possible
– I am already reducing, eliminating, avoiding corn
– I have yet to like anything quinoa
– I can’t eat rice- MV, idk, my mind is strange.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve lost 14lbs. I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve been stuck around 400 calories/day. It’s not MV. I’m not being tortured by my own mind. I’m just not hungry. When I am hungry, I get overwhelmed trying to find something within the confines of alllll that, and give up. I’ve eaten almost nothing but citrus and grapes for days. Not eating opens the door to mindlessly let old patterns resume control.

I am finally overcoming a lifetime of food related hell, and it shouldn’t continue to be upsetting. I cried in the grocery store over a box of cereal that I REALLLLLLLY wanted, but wasn’t gluten free. I tasted cinnamon toast crunch at a sleepover once when I was a kid. It was the best stuff ever… Earlier this week I saw PEANUT BUTTER toast crunch, and could have done back flips, I was so excited! I love peanut butter more than anything. I have spent years dreaming about the sugary goodness of my brief CTC experience, and I am finally (mostly) free from the internal antagonist, with a job and a debit card and everything that I could possibly need to bring that box of cereal home to enjoy like a completely normal, non-disordered adult. BUT it wasn’t gf. So instead I cried.

I have been distant, antisocial and all together miserable since eliminating gluten. I am losing ground with all of the progress I’ve made. For me, right now, this diet is destructively restrictive, while learning how to NOT restrict.

I’m sorry, cousin. I love you to bits and will continue to try GF foods and be GF friendly.

Deepening the backbend

I got adjusted today.
Dr. J. Said “you’re lookin’ kinda ribby today, how long have you been out for.”
It’s interesting. I thought this week was pretty ok, but my c2 was out. Last week, it stayed but I was more or less terrorized the entire week. This week only a few ribs were out (probably because I only practiced once), last week I practiced tons and my ribs were all kinds of jacked up by Friday… I’m starting to think they are just as important as the c2 in this equation.

When I got back to work, I gave my supervisor a PTO request for next weeks adjustment, because she won’t let me work around any appointments, and even though this one is every Friday, she can’t give me an hour for lunch every week. She has told me it’s “not fair” to keep asking for schedule changes. She told me “everyone has stuff going on. Just deal with it and work your schedule.” She said “what are you going to do when you run out of personal time?”

It’s always like this. Um, I work 9-5… Most of the people I am taking time off to see, also work 9-5. What would she like me to do???

Today, after 20 minutes of going round and round in circles. I decided I was sick of it. I told her, I absolutely depend on these appointments to be able to function, and she eventually (reluctantly) said to stop using personal time for Dr. J. She’d just figure something out. But the whole thing is exasperating and humiliating and we go through the same thing every single time. I’m working my ass off trying to deal with all this crap, it’s hard enough already. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to ask for time that I need to be able to care for myself. I shouldn’t have to worry about what will happen when I run out of hours. It’s not like I’m asking for beach days or anything.

So, I got down and dirty with the Google, and our little friend, the Americans with Disabilities Act… Wouldn’t you know, eating disorders are totally protected here, not maybe, not, well if you bend the phrasing this way it could work. Nope, eating disorders are clearly and directly protected.

Our office is open 5a-1a, I am the only person in my department, I don’t interface with our clients, and what I do is not critical to the main workflow. I mean, like if my stuff doesn’t get done, it will eventually start messing other things up. But productivity doesn’t come to a screeching halt when I’m not there. Plus, I work for a big-ass national corporation… Coming in 30 minutes early in order to add 30 minutes to my lunch, or working 11-7 instead of 9-5 occasionally is not going to create any kind of “undue hardship” for the company.

Technically, if I really wanted to push it, my indoor snow gear would also be a reasonable request, as it has no financial impact on the company, and I need the extra warmth.

So.

I e-mailed the corporate HR hotline.

Self advocacy, adding a little more depth as I continue bending over backwards to save my own life.

Alignment

*** caution may come out disjointed ***

Last night was HORRIBLE! Well, my yoga was good, which was cool, but I was still all hung up on my computer calling me fat, so all things disordered were at ultra roar volume.

Thank goodness Mother Nature was looking out for me when she planted my family tree. SC stuck with me like a trooper, and was quite insightful too. I learned a lot. You see, my cousin is gorgeous

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She’s confident and assertive and cool and about 7 million things that I’m not. Plus, she’s about the same height as me… Which is extremely unusual, and uncomfortable for me. Depending on how much time I’ve spent on the inversion table I measure 60-62 inches tall. I felt like a big awkward ogre around her, while she buzzed all around like a pretty little honey bee.

She said last night, that I looked fragile and she’d been afraid to hug me too hard.

It’s confusing.

I didn’t worry too much about being completely nuts last night. I knew I’d be seeing Dr. J first thing this morning to get my hips and brain put back where they belong.

The whole freak out last night started over soda… Which obviously carried over into this morning.

I wanted soda, but my computer called me fat.

I KNEW that this was ridiculous– I don’t even LIKE soda. I KNEW that human logic does not take two completely random things “I want soda now” and “my computer called me fat on Tuesday.” Make them completely dependent on each other, then obsess over the single thought for H O U R S. The whole thing was obviously completely anorexia derived.

So, I decided I would outsmart the MV. I’d go see Dr. J FIRST, then enjoy a soda in silence.

Only, it didn’t happen like that. Dr. J doesn’t just silence the thoughts. She obliterates all things disordered. Unlike the night I wanted soup but Dr. Phil said no, where wanting soup was clearly me and Dr. Phil was definitively MV, both wanting soda and the argument against it were BOTH MV!!

So, after I got adjusted,

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I ended up with this for lunch, there is real cheese in there, (not Plastic/American cheese), and I also had some Green Machine and a few nuts with it.

Guess what???

My yoga tonight, was off the freaking hook!!!! I suddenly remember why I LOVE yoga!!!!!! I laughed, had fun, worked hard, did everything, gave high 5’s to my friends, cheered for the first timers and made faces at anyone who was taking things too seriously. It was perfect. I was in the Yoga Zone, and it ROCKED!!!!

Lately, I’ve been bad about eating crap foods, because it takes less bites, less fighting, less internal war to to get the job done from a strictly mathematical perspective. This “trick” has left me feeling fat, tired, crabby and sluggish, with uninspired and miserable yoga.

Tonight, I learned that just eating enough, isn’t enough.

I need GOOD fuel to have good yoga!!!!

I’m in love with the way I feel tonight, and inspired to keep trying, so I can feel like this EVERYDAY, and it all just becomes natural with no more fighting, and no more MV!!!

A most precious gift

My dad wrote a book as he was dying.

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Actually. He dictated most of it to my mom. And they didn’t get to finish. But I remember them working on it together. I’d sneak up and watch them working together, exploring old memories and putting his thoughts on paper. That’s what I remember most about his last few months, at a time where everything felt like it was spinning out of control, I’d catch my parents curled up together in bed, whispering and laughing, as they created this most precious gift.

They ran out of time though and most of the pages are blank. It’s special to me, because I remember the effort and magic that went into the finished parts. I’ve carried it with me every where, held it, ran my fingers across it, smelled it, cried on it, and even talked to it…

Tonight, for the first time, I opened it.

I could write for hours about my experiences as I read each page. But this blog is about my stretch to health.

My dad wrote of a friend, many many times, on multiple pages. So much so, that I felt compelled to Google the boy’s name. My father’s childhood best friend grew up to become a doctor.
What’s his specialty? You ask…..
ANOREXIA!

And on the last page they finished, he said:
Health and happiness are the most important things

Why did I open it for the first time tonight? Why did I feel so compelled to find out what became of the little boy who liked “building stuff and fishing” with my dad?

He may not be here to tell me any more, but he always shows me where the answers are.