Getting ready for the week

Things I do to plan for the week:

This week, I decided to change it up, and do my planning resort style!


• ask myself “if I wasn’t afraid of food, and could eat anything, what would it be?” Graham Crackers and juice

• I re-read my food log entries, and my blog side-by-side for a retrospective look at what I ate and how it impacted my emotions and yoga. I was not good at recording this week, and my yoga was mediocre.

• I re-visit the snack list
Last week I KILLED in this department!
bread done! I tried at the office right after getting adjusted (which is the very best time for trying scary things) and had to work hard not to purge. I tried again at home, while more relaxed and still felt the same way. I tried a 3rd time, for breakfast, with lots of positive expectations about a normal healthy breakfast, and still felt horrible afterwards. 3 tries. Bread is off the table indefinitely.
granola– I tried it. And hate it!
musli– YUM!
– trail mix- calories, sugar, crunchy, and unsorted!
hummus– done! Made it myself, loved it
– hot chocolate and toast- because it’s STILLa weird combination, bread, and it is 100 degrees outside right now.
rice cakes with vegan butter AND vegan cheese– never mind. This my new favorite food.
yogurt– done!
Popcorn– DONE! Cauliflower popcorn = new obsession!!!
– Homemade granola bars- up until now, this has been too stressful a suggestion to entertain. I have a non-scary, granola bar recipe that you can expect to make an appearance later in the week.

• The last thing I do is check in with myself. How do I feel about the previous week’s eating? Yoga? Myself? And address any issues I’m having, before I start to plan for the week, because I like to go into the week feeling positive, excited, and motivated to make good choices and have good yoga. Last week I did not eat well, and I did not yoga well. I started keeping a star chart, with 3 empty stars on each day to color in for each meal. I only got 3 stars once. I determined that it might be the coffee, and not actually the food that makes me feel pukey after eating on the mornings. I also figured out that I really enjoy eating, but only while I’m cooking and I might do better to cook daily instead of relying on my jars so much.

My planning was much less structured!

I found dandelion greens at whole foods, which Gebi asked me to try a while ago, and bought them.

Laura had said a few weeks ago she wished I wasn’t so afraid of pasta. I eat miracle noodles… Or I fix them with veggies then feed the noodles to the dog. Eh. Whatever. I couldn’t be convinced to try regular noodles, but decided couscous wasn’t too scary.

I was really wanting salty things and juice, and muscle twitchy… In other words, I was having an electrolyte issue. So I got some coconut water and gave in to the juice compulsion



This one seemed pretty safe. There were 4 flavors. This one had the fewest ingredients and the fewest calories. Plus, I really love blood oranges.

Last night, I made a dandelion salad, with couscous and PURPLE! asparagus.


Um. Dandelion is DISGUSTING!!!! I picked all of the leaves out, and replaced them with kale… Then picked all the veggies out and gave Avery the couscous. Purple asparagus is amazing and delicious! It’s sweeter and less stringy than the green kind. Sadly, it turns green when cooked though.

If you don’t already know this about me; I never say “no” to Carmen or my mother, and this week Carmen told me I was going to try vegan ice cream.

THANK YOU CARM! I love it!!!!

Today, I made Graham Crackers veganized. And I did NOT use 5 tablespoons of butter! Can you say excessive!? I used 2 tablespoons of coconut oil, which worked fine, but they are ridiculously sweet. Next time I’d use wayyyy less sugar!

I also made soup!!


It kind of started as this but I wanted a broth soup instead of a thick one. I also didn’t want to see the parsnip, because they look like albino carrots with all the good stuff (aka color) missing. I added celery, asparagus and tons more carrots to the recipe, then boiled the parsnip, (some of the) carrots, and miso separately to purée just those then add back into the broth to make it creamy! It was brilliant and worked perfect!!!

I still have plenty more to cook and create throughout the week!


There’s more than one way to “Taste the Rainbow” that’s for sure!!!



Wondering the outcome of last night’s dinner debate between Logic and MV? Well. MV won, and I went to sleep. But just before midnight, Avery went crazy on the trampoline. Of course, everyone knows, when your dog goes crazy on the trampoline post-bedtime, the obvious thing to do is wake up and make polenta. Which I did. I topped it with DJR and some fresh veggies.

This morning, I woke up with a great big dose of badass in my toothpaste. I finally got brave enough to take yogurt and fruit to work for breakfast. I also packed a few of these guys!

I love them!

… It didn’t go that well.

I did eat the yogurt and the fruit at my desk. But suddenly decided I had an issue with the raisins- which is new, they’ve always been easy. I was horrible, uncomfortable and stressful. I don’t have to clarify my resolution for that little problem.

Come lunch time, I realized I’d left my yoga bag at home. I promised myself I’d eat my snack/lunch at my desk if I used my break to go rescue my yoga clothes. Naturally, I lied. The rice cakes say there untouched until it was time to go.

I did fill my water bottle 3 times though.

At yoga, I walked in and set up with the lizards in our spot, without paying too much attention. When class started I noticed there were 9 people on our side of the room, and only 4 on the other side. Why you ask???? Mr. Creepy’s radius has now expanded to 1/4 of the total studio space!

I was having a hard time in class. My alignment is soooo crazy I couldn’t even seem to stand right. No matter what I did one hip was more forward, one shoulder higher, one elbow more bent. Ugh! It was annoying! Not to mention. I’m STILL much too fat. It was like great big, jiggly, crooked yoga.

We almost lucked out, and got to skip stick… But someone just had to speak up *coughLizardcough* oh, she also told more lizards about this here blog.. So hi! And welcome Lizard #2!

Who wants to guess where my mind was after class? I didn’t even lay down, just drank my ENTIRE water bottle, grabbed my stuff, and was the first person out of the room. Girl on a mission!

The new girl, the one from Tennessee, who’s effing awesome, was teaching tonight, and as I bolted past the desk she said “hey! I…” So I slowed, and turned around to let her finish, “I… Um… Well, thanks.” “No, thank YOU!” I answered enthusiastically. “I just wanted to say, I love having you in class. Everyone always looks so angry and serious during yoga, then there’s you, over there in that corner, just grinning away, and making the people around you smile too.” I shrug “it’s only yoga.” I tell her and pick up my things as people start trickling in for the late class.

Three different students ask if I’ll stay for doubles because they miss practicing with me. I tell them I would, if I wasn’t feeling so weird. My hips hurt, and my right hand keeps feeling like it gets shocked… You know, like when your brother tells you to lick the top of a 9 volt battery, that kind of thing.

On the way home I realized I never did go barf. But that’s really ok.

I also decided I HAD to have more cauliflower popcorn tonight! So I went home, took Avery potty, threw some clothes on and ran to Whole Foods


Fear not, one of their employees totally laughed at me.

Have you ever wanted to eat an ENTIRE head of cauliflower by yourself in one sitting? I just did! For dessert, half a cup of unsweetened applesauce, 1/2 tbsp pb2 and half a cup of strawberries all mixed together.

I think I am evolving a little bit. It wasn’t that long ago that I wouldn’t even TOUCH food, and still relying on baby food for the majority of my calories as recently as March.

I started making jars so I would only have to contend with preparing food once a week. I could do all the cooking, then go hide under the covers to freak out like a spazz just on Sundays.

These days, I’m finding, I genuinely enjoy cooking. I like the creative outlet, and figuring out how to make “normal” foods in ways that don’t scare me. Creating food is relaxing, and a nice way to unwind. It’s less frightening to eat things that I myself have personally assembled from exclusively plant based ingredients as close as possible to their natural, living state. I get excited about what I’m doing, I get excited about sharing with others. Super Cuz once told me, that when feeding babies, every meal is like a party. You have to go above and beyond to create feelings of joy, safety, and contentment during meal time. Seeing people get excited about things I’ve made, does that for me.

I may love cooking. And I may even like eating while I’m cooking… But the truth of the matter is… I still hate food. When I’m not all caught up in the moment, I’d much rather go right to bed than open up a pre-made jar.

Had I not NEEEEEDED cauliflower popcorn tonight, I can pretty much guarantee the 8ish jars of healthy meals prepared by ME, Would have sat, untouched in the fridge.

I think, next week, I need to start planning for cooking a few times mid-week.


Oh. My. Gosh!!!
Who wants to see the amazing week I’m about to have!?!?!?! I’m sooo flipping excited about everything! I can’t wait for every day this week so I can EAT! My cousin said “Whoa! Who are you! And what did you do to T-Yo?” I said “I AM Teenie! You should be worried about MV!” Good riddance! I say! Buh-Bye!

I didn’t cry in the grocery store!

I was picking up some carrots and got intrigued.

What’s a parsnip?!?!?

Time for another food challenge! Into the buggy they went! What a little unsung wonder too! They are taproots, like carrots but much sweeter. They are an excellent source of fiber, antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, anti-fungal, and anti-cancer compounds. Multiple studies from the scientists at the University of Newcastle at Tyne found parsnip to offer protection from colon cancer specifically. **This is significant to me, as colon cancer killed my father well before his 40th birthday, and his father shortly after. In Europe parsnip is often used as a dessert ingredient due to its high natural sugar content.

After doing some reading up, I decided my parsnip would be a perfect way to get some veggies into my breakfast- which was one of my objectives for the week. I peeled and diced 2 parsnips and boiled until very soft, then I puréed in the ninja with 1/2 cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a cap full of vanilla extract to make an extremely sweet creamy sauce to use in place of the almond milk in my summer porridge.

Flavors: parsnip/pumpkin/maple/vanilla, mango/papaya/pineapple/coconut, and strawberry/mandarin/honey
**I need to stop losing my jars so I can make more breakfasts at once! These are my favorite size/shape

Next, I decided to take on the carrot concoction, because I was most afraid of it… Holy cow!!! Can I just say, EAT THIS!!! I cut the leeks so they stayed in very thin circles, the carrot ribbons made long flowing loops, and the curly kale leaves created the most enticing combination of texture, this stuff is just plain FUN to look at! The flavoring/sauce is raisins, lemon, ginger and garlic sooo perfect and subtle yet flavorful. This is simply the most perfect combination ever.

Btw- it’s excellent cold too.

This morning, I woke up feeling pretty brave and decided to give the Musli a try!


I picked the #2 because it was the lowest calories (well, actually #22 was the same, but for half the serving size) plus it had berries! It was too crunchy to eat dry (remember I despise crunchy!) but it softened nicely in the almond milk and made for a great, filling breakfast. I could eat it for my snack at work and be ok! If you are afraid of Musli because you don’t know what it is- its like oatmeal and cereal and whatever mixed together. They are all numbered at Whole Foods, so it’s easy to pick one that is safe!

Next, I made the tempeh Alfredo, that Super Cuz dubbed “DJR (Dat Jus ‘Rong) Sauce” she is quite anti-vegan and totally not impressed with the creativity that goes into veganizing. K, but listen, “‘Rong” or not, this lil yogi I has been challenged to up her protein consumption by utilizing tempeh. So maybe it would help to view it as protein for sweaty girls instead of Alfredo. Call it whatever you want, this stuff is AMAZING! It took no more than 10 minutes to whip up in the blender! I steamed the tempeh to make it less bitter, and while it was on the stove I added everything else to the blender (i added shallot and leek to the recipe because I had them) and julienned this monstrous zucchini!

Then I just added the tempeh, whirled it all up, tossed with the zucchini noodles and topped with fresh tomatoes and orange bell pepper!


It was so good I even licked the bowl!
(This is most definitely against the rules!)

Ignore my messy hair.

I had some cashews that I was tired of looking at and decided to make cashew butter… But my cashews wouldn’t butterize. After 40 minutes in the ninja I decided they were dud-nuts and dumped them.

The garlic bread was DELICIOUS! But did NOT hold together at all, and came out more like flat garlic bread dough. It was my first time cooking with “flax egg” and I likely need to refine the process a bit, we will revisit the garlic bread department soon.

I started to feel really exhausted and needed a snack to keep up with my cooking marathon. I decided to go for the granola, get it over with straight away, nice and early in the week.

Dude, I’m sorry. I just really hate granola. I tried it plain- too crunchy, so I mixed it in yogurt with fresh raspberries hoping it would soften… Not enough. I ate it. But don’t intend to make a habit of it.

Another item on the snack list is popcorn. Now, popcorn didn’t make it into the category of things I tried first/without drama, and it didn’t make it on to the high anxiety foods list. It’s just kind of there, existing somewhere in the middle…

I made cauliflower popcorn!

I wonder if that will count???
In all fairness- I did say, from the get-go, that I am neither mean or deceitful, I am, however, quite anorexic and an exceptional loophole finder. It’s popcorn, right? This is soooo yummy too! I just tossed cauliflower with a tiny bit of olive oil, Italian seasoning, nutritional yeast and ground pepper, then roasted for 30. Perfect, cheesy, vegan popcorn!
*** judge rules… And it *IS* popcorn! (With a side note to stop worrying about calories. Lol)

PS- I did alllll this today with my hip so far out that I stayed in bed crying until after 4, and I had to crawl up the stairs after taking Avery potty. It’s clicking.

Getting ready for a new week

It’s Saturday already! That means its time to start getting ready for a new week!

Things I do to plan for the week:
• ask myself “if I wasn’t afraid of food, and could eat anything, what would it be?” This week, I mentioned earlier, that I wanted garlic bread. I also want noodles.

• I re-read my food log entries, and my blog side-by-side for a retrospective look at what I ate and how it impacted my emotions and yoga. This week, I needed to take a break from tracking everything so it This step was kind of hard. I do know that on the days I did not blog, specifically, what I’d eaten, it’s because I was skipping meals. I still felt like I was eating enough and my yoga was off the hook.

• I revisit the list of suggested snacks to assess progress with incorporating some of the higher anxiety suggestions:
bread done! I tried at the office right after getting adjusted (which is the very best time for trying scary things) and had to work hard not to purge. I tried again at home, while more relaxed and still felt the same way. I tried a 3rd time, for breakfast, with lots of positive expectations about a normal healthy breakfast, and still felt horrible afterwards. 3 tries. Bread is off the table indefinitely.
– granola- close second to bread, due to calories, fat and sugar. It’s also crunchy, and supposed to go in yogurt, thus becoming a mixed texture which is my #1 ultimate food objection.
– musli- I don’t like it because I don’t know what it is
– trail mix- calories, sugar, crunchy, and unsorted!
hummus– done! Made it myself, loved it
– hot chocolate and toast- because it’s a weird combination, bread, and it is 100 degrees outside right now.
rice cakes with vegan butter AND vegan cheese– never mind. This my new favorite food.
– yogurt- I ate yogurt at home, and in the bathroom at work. I didn’t scratch it off yet though, because having to hide is still kind of disordered.

• The last thing I do is check in with myself. How do I feel about the previous week’s eating? Yoga? Myself? And address any issues I’m having, before I start to plan for the week, because I like to go into the week feeling positive, excited, and motivated to make good choices and have good yoga. This week, I am unhappy with last weeks decision to abstain from recording. I am worried that the more we break down my system of rules, the more curious I will become about SAD (standard American diet) foods, and without the safety of my very clear cut, black and white network of rules solidly in place, I will be left unprotected to try and even like all of those things. I mean… It’s gotta have some kind of universal appeal for soooooo many people to love the things that terrify me. I’ve been gaining weight, and extremely displeased about that. I haven’t been drinking enough water in the evenings after practice- I don’t mind during the day, because I immediately sweat it all out on the studio floor during yoga. Right now, my mind is convinced that drinking water without working out turns to fat overnight and is bad. I know this is disordered… But I’m not sure what to do about it yet. I don’t think I’m eating enough green stuff and need to incorporate more veggies in my breakfasts especially.


• summer porridge (I want to find a way to get some veggies in this)
• smoothie- at least once, preferably earlier in the week, and must be green to counter Friday’s less than positive breakfast experience.
• more pumpkin maple tempeh cakes (maybe)
• I’m tired of lentil brownies

• yogurt with fruit at work- lake or desk, but NOT in the bathroom!
• rice cake stack
• hummus w/veggies
• eat granola- at home WITH yogurt. It does not have to go IN the yogurt
• I made the most yummy dip? Spread? Sauce? Condiment? Well, whatever, I stirred pb2 into applesauce! OMG! If you know me at all, you know that I love peanut butter, I like the SAD, sugar filled, cheapest, most toxic peanut butter I can find. It is the one thing that I love more than MV 100% of the time. Any time I’ve been faced with any sort of “gain or else…” Ultimatum, I’ve done it by indulging in a jar/day habit. I am healthy now. And can’t continue to eat like that, so this is an awesome, low calorie alternative! I just have to think up something to have it with….

Garlic Bread vegan cheese, flax egg
• What use is garlic bread without pasta, right??? So Tempeh Alfredo! already vegan 🙂 I love zucchini “noodles” but they seem kind of fragile for such a thick sauce. I think this might be an occasion that calls for Miracle Noodles. Maybe both??? Change it up a bit!
Kale ginger carrot ribbons this is more out there than I usually go for… But I have no major objections to any of the ingredients. Carrots are a high anxiety food, as they are the source of countless horrible early food experiences. Apparently, my mother thought that raw carrots were the only veggie on the planet. We would have massive screaming matches over eating the damn carrots every night. I REALLY HATE the way raw, crunchy carrots feel in my mouth. Instead of just trying different vegetable, she’d drown them in water, smother them in ketchup, dunk them in ranch, offer them with peanut butter (enticing, but PB DOES NOT stick to carrot and just made the whole experience even more irritating). For almost my entire childhood I could count on a nightly stand off over (dinner in general, but especially) carrots sure to involve screaming, crying, dish throwing, begging, barfing, and passing out. My mother laughs when recounting the experience. She thinks it’s hilarious. I think it set me up for a never ending torturous relationship with food. I am learning, improving, getting better everyday. I don’t have to scream/cry/throw things for a meal to be called “dinner”. I don’t have to hate all food. I done even have to hate all carrots. I just hate raw, crunchy carrots- Especially smothered with ketchup… Actually, I hate ketchup too. So, anyway. Carrots are acceptable in my mind, but making making and eating them for dinner will be a new challenge. These are not raw or crunchy carrots. I am safe. If I don’t like them I can throw them away. I have the autonomy to do this for myself.

• I adore my stickers!
• I have something else in the works too, but it might not make an appearance until next week.

An entirely different kind of freaking out!!!!!


I came out of toe-stand WITHOUT HANDS for the first time EVERRRRR tonight!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen, guys, I’ve been working on this for more than half my life!!! I grew up practicing at the most amazing studio. No, really, it’s just not your average Bikram experience. The owner, her dad and sister are all teachers, and the entire studio simply buzzes with this overwhelming sense of love and encouragement. They started showing me this one within my first year of practicing. Going down without hands has never been an issue. I can go down straight without bending at the waist too, but that weirds some teachers out, so I generally don’t.

As far as coming up… You know how teachers can sometimes see things building before we fully experience it? They’ve seen something in this transition for the past 15 years- the teachers from my home studio, local teachers, visiting teachers, posture clinics over and over and over people have seen this building, ready, rightthere, yet I have NEVER managed to master the execution!

Then BAM tonight, both sets!!! And the teacher missed them both!

I totally threw myself a yoga party in the mirror!

I’ve been eating. It’s like a non-issue. I had to take a break from recording, but I guarantee I’ve been close to the target number for the past several days. It’s a huge, terrifying number, and the mirror keeps screaming that I’m fat.

So be it.

It’s hard to hate on a body that can do such amazing things. In the past two weeks:
• I’ve started coming out of standing head to knee with control (not consistently, but it’s happening)
• I’m holding all 4 standing bows for all/most of the dialogue
• quit faking/half-assing through stick
• finally figured out how to get my elbows to my shins without falling on my face in head to floor
• stopped skipping triangle
• locust (3rd part)- one of these days I’ll get to the other side… But for now, I stay in the whole time.
• floor bow- it’s gonna happen y’all.
• full camel- I can see my freaking toes! I just have to get brave enough to go for it! I sooooo despise being reprimanded for trying. The teacher tonight flashed me some thumbs up after 2nd set. I doubt she’d mind if I tried.

So. Fat or not. I love yoga, and I’m proud of myself!

Especially tonight. I haven’t seen Dr. J in 10 days! Today I propped my computer up, and worked standing because my hips and shoulders hurt too much for sitting. I absolutely did NOT expect to bust out with an awesome practice!


Today was easy.
It was in no way exceptional, except for the part where, no freaking out took place.

I was running a little behind this morning and extremely nervous, because the project I’ve been working on for the past several weeks was going to be supposed to be reviewed today. I brought a banana to eat in the car, a pumpkin maple tempeh thingy for breakfast at work, and hummus with veggies for lunch/snack.

I had a hard time convincing myself to eat breakfast at my desk today… I was afraid the corporate guy would show up while I was busy stuffing my face with weird vegan eating disorder-y food and think I was nuts. I ended to taking it into the bathroom to eat it. Yeah, I know, that’s kinda gross. But it’s important to maintain these schedules, because I still have no reliable sense of “hungry”. I did what I had to do- although I’m not really sure which is more disordered- restricting, or hiding in the company bathroom to eat.

At 12:30 I went outside to have my hummus and veggies by the lake. There was absolutely no crying or anxiety involved. I was just kinda mad that I hadn’t brought more celery. Having hummus (that actually tasted like its supposed to), was comfortable, soothing, almost. Having an eating disorder makes travel challenging. In Israel, I ate only hummus, I did not try a single other food while I was there (for several weeks). I ate hummus and pita without counting calories or setting limits. I ate as much as I wanted, enjoyed it, had tons of energy, and was really very content the entire time. That’s what snack today was like; relaxing, enjoyable, energizing.

Yoga was easy. Nothing super exciting happened. I got sweaty, but the heat and humidity were mild for a Bikram class. I don’t mind that, occasionally. I was stiff from driving and working long hours and eating too much. I can feel my joints out and was far less flexible than most days. I did every set and had a good time though. I would have stayed for doubles…. Except….

(I know excuses are like butt holes… Hear me out)

While shopping over the weekend, I picked up a new “costume” (sports bra/shorts in Bikram speak) at Justice. I tried it on, jumped on the trampoline, put my feet over my head and did some back bending (not simultaneously!) to test it out. I freaking love Justice- and have no shame saying as much. They seriously make the softest, smoothed, most best feeling clothes ever on the planet. My new costume was no exception. Frequently, by the end of class my shoulders and collar bones have been rubbed raw under the straps. This top was soooo soft and flexible, it added no pressure or friction.

Unfortunately, I don’t think fancy name brand workout clothes for little girls are designed to power through a Bikram style drenching. The shorts rolled up and I was forced to spend a great deal of time doing some very un-Bikram wedgie pickin. The top seemed to grow and grow and grow under the weigh of my sweat. I was constantly picking, pulling, twisting and adjusting trying to keep my cheeks and boobs covered.

I still love top. I will buy it in a smaller size and try again soon.


Today was kind of rough, following my drunken adventures in eating like a normal person last night.

I woke up feeling like I drank too much.

Plus, fat, ashamed, guilty, angry, terrified because I didn’t follow the new food plan, and I don’t break rules!

I had an extremely hard time dealing with food and almost didn’t make any jars for the week.

I didn’t set up any summer porridge or fix any dinners.

I just made hummus

It came out pretty darn close to the real thing, definitely better than the weird grocery store stuff.

Yesterday morning, I made pumpkin, maple, tempeh cakes, and have plenty left still, so breakfast tomorrow is covered.

These were just ok yesterday when I made them, but after sitting in the fridge overnight, they were AMAZING this morning!

I steamed the tempeh (organic non-GMO, of course!) then put it in the blender with half a can of pumpkin and enough almond milk to get the blender going, then I added maple syrup- I didn’t measure but it wasn’t excessive, just enough for flavor, then applesauce for sweetness. It was very sweet, but kind of unexciting. So I added some chopped onion, crushed red pepper and pumpkin pie spice, which made for a really dynamic taste. Then I took the blade out and stirred in hemp, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, so they stayed whole, because I thought that’d look cute. I made balls and tried cooking in the skillet, but they fell apart, so I added coconut flour and baking powder then tried again. It worked, but next time I’d save the hassle and just bake them in the oven.

Remember, I said I had one more fun thing planned…?

It’s for goal #2 about creating more positive feelings towards food and while eating


I also tried to bring the snack/lunch time anxiety down, by making it colorful and fun.

Celery, sweet pepper rainbow skewers!!

These look SO pretty in the textured jars!

(I stickerized the big jars, after taking the picture to show all pretty colors)

There was a lot of space on the sides, so I added a few sunflower seeds and 3 cashews to the big jars.