The truth is, for the past week or so, I’ve felt absolutely crazy, and not in a fun, spontaneous, or playful way. Just truly insane, disconnected and lost.
I know why.
I have an eating disorder. And, since brains go crazy and shut down when left unfed for extended periods of time, I also have a team of people to take over some of the thinking for me while I’m busy torturing myself.
So far, this seems to be working out, for the most part. These borrowed brains think up the commands like regular, internal, brains normally would, then I follow them, like regular, external bodies do. It’s a good system, but not flawless, and this week the brains messed up.
You see, I have anorexia. But I am so much more, I am yogi, and dog mommy, employee, daughter, roommate, cleaner, shopper… I am me- Teenie Yogini.
The Brains set the goal at gross 800 calories. Past goals have always been schedule focused or net calorie calculations. 800 gross calories wasn’t enough to keep my own internal brain operating very efficiently, so while meeting the goal pretty consistently, I was consistently getting crazier and crazier.
Yesterday, I was really worried that my crazy internal brain would take over and ruin our yoga party. So, on my lunch break, I shut it up, by loading it with peanut butter, raisins, oatmeal and bananas. The yoga party was saved, and I returned to the happy, coherent yogini I had just started to enjoy sharing internal space with.
A loooooong time ago, I was blessed with a most precious gift from The Universe. My life crossed paths with this guy
He just introduced himself as “Gebi” when we met, and I was just happy to hang out. Later, others told me I’d just spent the afternoon playing with an international superstar. I told them I’d spent the afternoon playing with a new friend, I liked the guy because we connected, not because he owned (but often couldn’t actually locate) some fancy Olympic hardware.
Over the years, Gebi and I worked, played, sailed and did yoga together. It would be easy to list off his accomplishments, but none of that explains much about who he really is. This guy is enlightenment, compassion, devotion, dedication, he’s a tiny little dude who simply radiates love, contentment, balance and harmony. He’s fearless, powerful and humble as they come. He is inspiring as a human, completely independent of his success as an athlete.
Yesterday, about 6 minutes before our Yoga Party kick off (kick out?), Gebi posted on Facebook, that he was now offering nutritional mentoring!
People don’t end up at his level of awesome by fueling up on Burger King and cookies. The dude knows EVERYTHING there is to know about food, and he’s a freaking amazing cook. Of all the horrible and traumatic food memories I have spanning my entire life, one of my best OVERALL memories is of a lunch we shared many years ago.
He made open faced avocado sandwiches, that we ate sitting on the bar stools at his kitchen counter, with every door and window open to the tropical sounds and smells of the ocean palm trees around us. We swung our feet, laughed, and chatted while enjoying the single most best tasting sandwich I have ever eaten.
Upon seeing his announcement, I e-mailed him immediately. And he replied, immediately, that I am beautiful, and he loves me, and of course he will help.
Gebi knows how to be a vegetarian athlete, because he is one. He knows how to fuel yoga because he practices. He understands, training, hard work, drive, dedication and muscle recovery. Most importantly, he understands ME, and I trust him. Implicitly.
In this moment, I am positive that success, health and stability are already mine.