Totally worth it!!!

Getting out of bed to fix dinner in the middle of the night was 100% worth the effort!!!!

I woke without the soreness and heavy lead feeling that’d plagued the previous day. My mind was groggy though. I did not want to go to work!!!

I had cereal (chex) with pb2 and chocolate almond milk (because I live alone and I can. Don’t judge).

It HURT! I’m not sure what all was going on. But after eating, I was in PAIN! My stomach hurt? My ribs maybe? I never came up with good words. I was just miserable! I’d packed yogurt and an apple for snack/lunch, but since I was already feeling crappy, I went home for rice cakes and grapes.


I had a hard time eating it. But did. I seriously love this not being in charge thing. I just follow directions. I ate the food.

At some point, I figured out my water intake had been low for the day and put away 1000cc pretty fast. All pain was immediately resolved!

My yoga was FANTASTIC! Happy, focused, strong, quiet, and well organized. My shoulder popped out during Cobra and I finished class with an entirely different kind of noodle arm! It was very weird.

After class, I got my shoulder sorted out, showered, put jammies on… And I’m back at work 😦

(I totally don’t feel bad about working in my jammies, either)
I can’t wait for things to slow down after next week. We’ve been slammed with back to back projects for months.



I am paying attention more, and have started to notice a few things. All through my past two months of crappy yoga, I was rushing out of work, buying my nails through afternoon traffic, running into the studio with minutes to spare, squeezing myself out a spot, and diving right into class cold and stressed.

Today, I stayed at the office. I finished what I was doing. I checked my Facebook, chatted with a friend, drove calmly to the studio, when it when the doors opened, changed, set up in my favorite spot, and was able to start warming up before my friends started coming in… I get so distracted by people who love to talk yoga!!! I did about a million wallwalks- I always feel a little weird, because I am the only one who does them at this studio, and everyone always watches. But, my practice is SO much better when I do.

Everything is improving so fast right now! I’m constantly blown away! I’ve been all settled at my new place and my hips have been fixed for several weeks now. This sudden change has got to be diet related, I think. I have been vegan-ish for the past several years, but never very committed. That’s changing. Eating within the confines of GF, and vegan, whatever other crazy rules my mind makes up has forced me to get creative, learn more about the things I put into my body, and less afraid of them when I do. Today, ALLLLL day, I wanted Mac and cheese. But I couldn’t justify cheese sauce. And I still can’t eat pasta- not even GF pasta, because my mind is nuts.

I made this sauce (omitted butter, and used almond milk) out of cauliflower, tons of veggies, layered with lentils and quinoa, then baked. It was really stinking good, but a little bit of Diya cheese, would probably make for a more convincing “Mac and cheese” but it was really good this way too.


I keep looking littler and more angular and bony everyday, but I’m gaining weight… So I must be adding muscle, which is pretty cool, I think!


*** caution may come out disjointed ***

Last night was HORRIBLE! Well, my yoga was good, which was cool, but I was still all hung up on my computer calling me fat, so all things disordered were at ultra roar volume.

Thank goodness Mother Nature was looking out for me when she planted my family tree. SC stuck with me like a trooper, and was quite insightful too. I learned a lot. You see, my cousin is gorgeous

She’s confident and assertive and cool and about 7 million things that I’m not. Plus, she’s about the same height as me… Which is extremely unusual, and uncomfortable for me. Depending on how much time I’ve spent on the inversion table I measure 60-62 inches tall. I felt like a big awkward ogre around her, while she buzzed all around like a pretty little honey bee.

She said last night, that I looked fragile and she’d been afraid to hug me too hard.

It’s confusing.

I didn’t worry too much about being completely nuts last night. I knew I’d be seeing Dr. J first thing this morning to get my hips and brain put back where they belong.

The whole freak out last night started over soda… Which obviously carried over into this morning.

I wanted soda, but my computer called me fat.

I KNEW that this was ridiculous– I don’t even LIKE soda. I KNEW that human logic does not take two completely random things “I want soda now” and “my computer called me fat on Tuesday.” Make them completely dependent on each other, then obsess over the single thought for H O U R S. The whole thing was obviously completely anorexia derived.

So, I decided I would outsmart the MV. I’d go see Dr. J FIRST, then enjoy a soda in silence.

Only, it didn’t happen like that. Dr. J doesn’t just silence the thoughts. She obliterates all things disordered. Unlike the night I wanted soup but Dr. Phil said no, where wanting soup was clearly me and Dr. Phil was definitively MV, both wanting soda and the argument against it were BOTH MV!!

So, after I got adjusted,

I ended up with this for lunch, there is real cheese in there, (not Plastic/American cheese), and I also had some Green Machine and a few nuts with it.

Guess what???

My yoga tonight, was off the freaking hook!!!! I suddenly remember why I LOVE yoga!!!!!! I laughed, had fun, worked hard, did everything, gave high 5’s to my friends, cheered for the first timers and made faces at anyone who was taking things too seriously. It was perfect. I was in the Yoga Zone, and it ROCKED!!!!

Lately, I’ve been bad about eating crap foods, because it takes less bites, less fighting, less internal war to to get the job done from a strictly mathematical perspective. This “trick” has left me feeling fat, tired, crabby and sluggish, with uninspired and miserable yoga.

Tonight, I learned that just eating enough, isn’t enough.

I need GOOD fuel to have good yoga!!!!

I’m in love with the way I feel tonight, and inspired to keep trying, so I can feel like this EVERYDAY, and it all just becomes natural with no more fighting, and no more MV!!!

Actually, anorexia is pretty awesome

So, I took a day for myself, and here’s what I learned:
I accidentally ended up at some Lady of Milk place downtown. I’d never been there.

When I arrived, I was sad. Really sad. But there were trees and water and butterflies, so I stayed to walk around a bit.
I walked and read all the trees and markers. I read about people died in the 1800s, in the 1900s, old people, babies, good people, nuns, murders, parents, sisters, brothers… Every human on earth experiences loss and every creature that lives, dies. This is a fact, a universal truth that transcends every country on every continent, every religion, race, gender. I’m not special. I am not isolated by my grief. When it comes to loss, i am exactly the same as every single person on the planet.


I started listing things actually are unique to my life:
* I am wearing flip flops.
* I don’t have to contend with snow.
* I live in a beautiful city that some folks save for years just to visit, but for now at least, it’s mine, in every moment.
* I fill my life with amazing, healing yoga


I am really surrounded by some amazing blessings.

All of the effort I’ve been putting into getting better, has helped me to have the tools and skills needed to deal with this devastating week, in ways that aren’t detrimental to myself for one thing. But… It’s also, just, healthy ways to deal with strong emotions. Something that is just as challenging for people without eating disorders. So, I see it as coming out ahead of the game.

I had great yoga doubles tonight!!!! And I’m totally bummed to learn that I am missing out on some Mary Jarvis awesomeness in town this weekend.

Standing Head to Knee

Standing head to knee… My absolute nemesis. I’ve been working on it for about half my life and JUST started kicking out about a month ago. I can now do that pretty consistently and have been working on getting the heel forward more. Tonight it all just kind of happened, almost effortlessly, balance, focus, flexibility all aligned in my favor.


JC shows off his standing head to knee.

I’ve practiced with JC tons of times, but tonight was my first time taking his class. He operates a lot like Joseph, really long class with a bunch of little mini lessons, really interactive, encouraged questions during class, moved around, made corrections… I was totally impressed.

So anyway. Standing head to knee pretty much fell into place for me tonight, both legs were locked, toes flexed, elbows down- check, check, check. I was so shocked and excited, I couldn’t stop grinning at myself in the mirror! All of a sudden JC was beside me going “HEY! Keep going! Stop making faces at yourself. Forehead to knee!” So, of course, I laughed, and then fell out before trying. But I’m ok with that. Standing head to knee is the one posture I have always been convinced I’d never ever ever “get”. Then BAM! Out of nowhere, it just shows up! I can’t wait to get back to the hot room to try it again!!!!

Devil’s Corner!

I love first timers. I really do… But it’s hard when they show up as a pack, don’t know how to behave in the studio and are trying to maintain their social pecking order or whatever herds of humans do when not swarming the hot room.

Yesterday, I got there early, and walked into a school of first timers, already swimming in their own sweat… And they were like EVERYWHERE- rows, people, and the mats all go the same direction, just FYI. But I wasn’t gonna be the one to get in trouble for talking. So, I just set up where I could carve out a little space for myself, then hit the wall for some backbending to warm up. 1…. 2…. 3…. I’d just hit a nice groove, namaste, up, hands on the wall, down, legs, face to the wall, up, hands up, namaste, breathe. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 4… 5… I felt the buzz in the room slowly peter out. Overcome by the sudden stillness, I paused to look around. What I find is 17 newbies sitting on their mats in Easy Pose, with their jaws on the ground, watching the Amazing Teenie Yogini Walk-Walking Afternoon Special Feature.

Lovely, Anorexia just loves being the center of attention, especially in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts @@. Feeling extremely self-conscious, I make a bee line for my mat. I wanted to practice splits then get some sleeping yogi on and zone out before class, but just stretch my legs a little instead.

That’s when the beginners started creeping up around me, closer and closer they inched, watching intently, whispering to each other and laughing.

Anorexia was trying hard to have a colossal meltdown from all the weird attention. But Yogini roared “BITCH! shut-UP! I’m trying to practice here!” and squashed her whiny ass.

The teacher walked in and tried to explain the concept of a row to the ring of first timers circled around my mat. One of them shrugged and started to drag her mat in front of me. So I did something really out of character for myself.
I spoke up!
“Hey! You new?”
I asked.

And then…
“No new people in the first row!”
I lied!

So, I did the only logical thing. Grabbed my stuff and claimed the Devil’s Corner!

The Devil’s corner is the spot in the front row, on the side with mirrors. It’s farthest from the doors, under a radiant panel and doesn’t have a fan… Like a hot little oasis in hell!

I love it!!!!

I seriously despise being “cooled off” during class. And did not get blasted up there. It was PERFECT!

I noticed a lot of other interesting things… My view of the room became extremely limited, and my view of myself became extremely focused. I could see my hips, ribs, elbows, spine knees, shoulders, so many bones poking out everywhere. And I could see my muscles ripple under my skin when I moved. I could see my toes curl and grab the floor. I could see deep into my own eyes for standing head to knee and bow. I could see every drop of sweat, and feel my own smile every time I used it to encourage myself or others around me.

And the whole time I was up there. I was thinking “DAAAANG, girl! You are HOT! And STRONG! And perfectly skinny. But, let’s work on digging out that ol’ six-pack so your abs match those great arms and legs. Holy cow! Did you just flex your pecs? Dooooode! I didn’t even know we HAD those! Sweet!”

The whole experience may have been rather vain. But, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself so much. It was amazing.

And! I did it again tonight!

Watch out evil little twin inside my head. Yogini is the Devil’s Apprentice now, and she’s on a mission to annihilate you!

my yoga fuel

Changing so fast!!!

I have so much to say! And my thoughts are bounding all over the place. So, I’m apologizing in advance if this seems disjointed.

I am still COMPLETELY mystified by food, eating, taste, texture, and all of the social nuances that accompany this strange human pastime.

But. I’m paying attention to my body. Well, trying anyway- It’s really hard for the little person who HATES food to just pick up the habit.

I have been experiencing really intense muscle spasms for the past several days. I can separate myself from pain, and I can ignore annoying, but this has been freaking me out. I know that the destruction I have imposed on my body is immense and won’t instantly vanish just because I hit that magical 18.5 BMI green line. I feel strongly that these spasms are related to electrolytes but couldn’t figure out where to get more info. So, late last night. I asked my BFF- who happens to be a doctor. 20130125-235451.jpg
ice skating with my BFF

She agrees that it was related to electrolytes, and told me to research Refeeding Syndrome… That’s some scary shit. I tried drinking poweraid, but LOATHE the taste and the excessive sugar immediately makes me feel ill. So I Googled some DIY options and left work to gather some supplies. I mixed coconut milk, lemon, lime, cara-cara, salt and water in my blender bottle with a little squeeze of honey for sweetness and enzymes. It was pretty yummy, and the spasms, while still present, were greatly subdued. But the chunks from the coconut milk freaked me out a little bit. Next time I would just use coconut water instead.

I’ve been wanting all kinds of different foods, stuff I have never tried or never liked. And I’m eating all of it, all the time. All the while getting skinnier and skinnier and gaining weight at warp speed! I am all ribs and biceps these days!

Oh yeah, and boobs!

People seem more worried about me now, solidly within “normal”, than when I weighed significantly less a few weeks ago. I’m getting really strong!

I piked into this headstand (core instead of kicking) for the first time today! I am REALLY proud of myself!

I really love seeing how the thing I eat immediately affect my practice. It’s not just food it’s “Yoga Fuel”, this distinction makes eating easier for me to deal with. Food is psychological and emotional and makes people fat. Fuel keeps the machine operable and in optimal condition.

How do you fuel your workouts???

Working on splits and enjoying the sunshine