Perspective

I’m at home. My childhood home. I have taken to driving down twice a month or so, to take classes at my home studio. I don’t exactly dislike and of the teachers/studios in my current town… There’s just no place like home.

A few things make this studio unique:
* I’ve known the owner since I was FIVE!!! She was my gymnastics teacher and knows me and my body and my personality unlike anyone else. She really knows how to push and motivate me.
* They have been teaching a long time and are able to give a lot of feedback and correction and even physical adjustments during class.
* They are family focused and just awesome.

Several months ago, when I started coming home, I was fishing for an advanced invite, and she told me my body was ready, but I wouldn’t be invited until I could love myself and everyone in the room the same…. In other words, no anorexics in advanced.

Last night, I took back to back doubles. And was still laughing and having a good time at the end of the 3rd hour. After class, she invited me to stay for advanced the next morning!!!!

I was telling her about my job and gaining weight to I could take advanced regularly, then my boss changing her mind and being completely devastated.

She was like
Dude. You are STRONG. Your practice is off the hook! You just pulled off GOOD doubles after a 3 hour drive! Don’t worry. Trust the universe. You gained, get stable. It’ll work out. But, most importantly, KEEP PRACTICING!

She is obviously right.

I stayed for advanced today. I can already feel my body changing. It was easier, stronger and more fun this time. I was able to push up into a forearm stand from a headstand. Kick up into a hand stand, on the wall, then tip off the wall and hold by myself for two minutes. All of my blocking and fingerstanding and handstand homework is ALREADY paying off! It’s sooo cool! My body is completely amazing! I am totally in love with it right now!

I can also headstand without hands!

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I DID IT!!!!!

I DID IT!!!!!!

I survived my first Advanced Class!!!!
I was warmly welcomed to the group, tried hard, learned A LOT, exceeded my expectations! Our local Champion was leading. She is just the sweetest, plus she signs! She I’m pretty good at following along, but she interpreted everything (that we had reasonable signs for) and it was nice, extra security, for my first time.

The studio owner didn’t stay, but before leaving she winked and said she was happy to have me.

So, really, everything I was worried about, ended up just fine. I just need to work on building some (ok, LOTS of) arm strength, and I have a feeling the rest will come, just like Beginning series, came slowly and naturally with consistency and the commitment to “try right”.

This studio is gorgeous and on the 2nd floor, overlooking the water, and palm trees waving in the windows. There is a dentist’s office on the first floor, and every time I practice here, I wonder if the can smell us, have to run their air cooler to compensate for our heaters, and if they can hear us falling out. I also have this funny, inside my head picture of their ceiling “leaking” during exceptionally drippy classes.

I am still in total shock. I can’t believe I FINALLY did it not just once, but will get to with regularity!

*I really need a WayMat though! My towel was sliding all over my mat.

Still angry… Buuuuuut

I’m still angry.
I still feel like skinny yoga is win-y yoga. And that there are tons of smaller women in the room who should be harassed about their weight before me.

But. Because I don’t really have much choice in this matter…
Tonight was less painful.
I did every set.
It was the same teacher I’ve been having issues with and he didn’t; look, touch, yell or call my name today…. I guess that’s a start. My legs also felt stronger than usual. I didn’t have to fight nearly as hard to lift the knee cap.

I still feel like an alien on planet yoga. And I’m still afraid that I’ll show up on Wednesday for advanced and she’ll look me up and down (like that day on the beach) and say “No. Not her.” Just like she did last spring.

It took me more than a year to feel confident enough to try yoga after that. And even still, I only went back to her studio for the workshop last weekend. Walking in for a regular class is terrifying. Expecting to stay for advanced… Nearly paralyzing. I wish I was allowed to still be skinny… Because that’s why {most adored teacher} keeps saying I should practice with them.