I don’t wanna (and NO!) Tuesday

The theme of the day is I DON’T WANNA!!!

Alarm went off, I don’t wanna get out of bed!

Almond time, I don’t wanna eat soggy nuts (and was saved by stupid on this one, I forgot to set them up last night… Bummer)!

I also didn’t want to go check in with brains and was tempted to text and cancel (Then go take doubles) right up until I walked in the door. Damn, too late.

* RULES: um, we didn’t actually make any, but I promoted Gebi’s 11am citrus as kind-of lunch, which seemed to be acceptable.
* GOALS: BMI = 19.5 (to which I said NO WAY!)
But this was actually kind of a funny discussion, and I’m quite sure I made some great faces.
Brains: ok, goals, I really want to see BMI up around 120.
Me: (immediately- without bothering to actually listen) NO.
Brains: yes. It can be muscle. BMI, 120.
Me: (whoa, I heard it that time! And probably stopped breathing for a second). Are you kidding me?
Brains: no. I’m serious. This is very serious.
Me: (start wondering if she means weight. Quick math. 120lbs for my height would be flirting with “overweight” I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, and shake my head NO again.)
Brains: Not weight! BMI!
Me: (panic mode extreme. I can’t even wrap my head around that math… But I’m absolutely positive it’s beyond excessive- considering the “obese” category simply states > 30. I can’t articulate a single coherent thought).
Brains: Oh! Not 120! Just regular 20!
Me: (breathe, process, settle) Um. No.
Brains: Well, how about 19.5?

I wrote it down. But have no intention to actually pursue this particular goal. 18.5 is “normal”. And normal people get to just be normal…. And normal is kind of the objective, right?

* My big mouth brought up our yoga party dinner, which resulted in the sharing of the blog addy… Yikes! I write EVERYTHING here.

After much internal debate. I have decided not to go back, re-read and/or edit anything. Nor will I sensor my thoughts or alter what I write. I blog for me.

Then I didn’t want to practice. Go figure.

The dogs took forever to pee. The last thing my roommate said as I was leaving this morning was “I’m putting your stuff in the drier right now.” Then for whatever reason, did not. So I didn’t have MY towel, MY “costume”, MY jammies. It through me through a loop. I left my mat at home and had to rent one. The spare bottoms I dug out of my car were too big, my old top was stiff and crunchy from being washed a thousand million times… Plus it was also too big.

But I went in. I got my Heidi class- the one I missed on Saturday. There were only 6 people there. Usually, I dislike small classes, but it was kind of a nice change of pace tonight. My right leg is still killing me!

I’ve been so certain that doubles would help… And to an extent, I was right. Yesterday was Doubles Monday. I made sure to get super hot, be kind, go as far as I could, instead of as far as I wanted. It felt improved today, but not better.

So I am here.

20130319-214553.jpg
Soaking in Epsom salt, and blogging from the tub (TMI?). I’m getting sleepy, and quickly losing interest in dinner. Meh. Maybe tomorrow.

Bendy little anomaly

ED Team check in day!!!

I didn’t get in trouble for losing 11lbs in 12 days. Actually, it kind of helped to clarify some things, redirect focus and stuff. I feel validated and understood and re-motivated to get better.

Clinically, I have anorexia. If you were to make a list of everything that’s wrong with me and run it through a symptom checker, you’d end up at anorexia.

But, after months of working through different anorexia focused workbooks, with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, gaining weight, and more or less stabilizing… I haven’t really connected with most of the ED focused issues.

She said she absolutely believes me when I say that I hate food and don’t get hungry. I will probably never understand intuitive eating and depend on a highly regimented schedule and calorie counting forever. I can’t aspire to eat when hungry, if I don’t understand what hungry is. Instead, the aspiration has to be to eat because right now the schedule says to, even if I’m having more fun doing something else.

With all that in mind, we adjusted The Rules. I still don’t have to eat lunch, but we are going to fight about that one next time. New Rules:
– eat a MEAL in the morning
– eat SOMETHING at night
– watch electrolytes
– consume a TOTAL of 800 calories everyday (net doesn’t matter)
– go back to keeping a calendar
– get a non-see through cup with a kid and a straw
– try to find a high calorie smoothie that I don’t hate, to drink from the cup while at work, because I can not eat at my new desk in the middle of the traffic pattern.

I am an anomaly. She said in 20 years she’s never seen an eating disorder quite like mine.

20130306-065621.jpg
I got my 800 calories for today. So, this sleepy yogi is calling it a night.

Really bad food day = really bad yoga!

It’s Tuesday (ok, it’s kind of Wednesday, but I’m still on Tuesday time!), which means Check-In With The Therapist Day. We went over the notes from the PCP yesterday, she was happy with everything, especially the part where BMI was 20!!! I told her I filled my boots with paper clips, to make it that high. She laughed, and said we could just let it go for the week, and didn’t ask for a real number.

She knew immediately, that I’ve been eating less… Idk HOW, because my BMI is 20, right?! That’s more than normal! She said all people have vices, and that she 100% believes my slightly extreme obsession with hot yoga, will ultimately save my life. Therefore, I must consider my practice as medically mandated, and not skip or miss… Too bad my health insurance won’t cover “medically mandated” studio fees!

I usually don’t practice on Tuesdays, due to our family’s schedule and I use the time to digest out sessions. But tonight I swung by the house to let the dogs out, then headed down for a late class at the south studio.

… And had a shit practice! Sat out 2nd set- left side standing now, 1st set- both sides stick, 2nd set triangle, fell out of toe stand, drank all if my water, couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t focus, couldn’t find my body against the Earth, or my eyes in the mirror. It flat out sucked. Sucked, due to energy crisis.

I hadn’t planned on practicing, so I hadn’t eaten much, and everything I did eat had all been consumed 10 hours before class started. But I figured out immediately upon leaving, what was wrong, and sorted out how to rectify the situation while driving home.

I stopped at Publix, to pick up a few things, then headed home to fix myself some dinner… Which was awesome, by the way.

20130206-004605.jpg

Never underestimate the power of a hungry yogini… Even a tiny anorexic one. Our can opener had vanished, but I didn’t let that stop me from getting into my black beans!

My dinner involved TWO tortillas, cheese, guacamole, chocolate milk and TWO servings of Lipton passion fruit, mango green tea! After adding my ginormous dinner to my food diary, my net for today came to 177 (and was negative until I decided to drink the tea)! No wonder I had a crap practice!

I’m proud of myself for understanding right away that I needed food- something I couldn’t have done two months ago.

But I’m still really confused about how to be “normal”. My BMI is normal (sans paper clips and boots). I feel like a cow (yeah, I also know I’m wrong… I said “FEEL”), and when I sent this picture to a friend today, she said “still too tiny”…. I don’t understand!!!

20130206-005919.jpg
taken tonight BMI = 18.8 which is NORMAL

Not a fan of Tuesday!

New week. New rules. New goals.

I always feel like giving up on Tuesday nights.

No doubt, my friends are sick of listening to (reading) my endless “irrational” texts.

It’s easy when I have yoga. I feel balanced, relaxed, content and food becomes effortless.

Days without yoga leave anorexia standing alone to do as she wishes (i.e. restrict. Restrict. RESTRICT).

Tuesdays mean no yoga, raging anorexia, and overwhelmingly impossible new objectives grapple with and projects to work through.

Visit any mall, the world is full of skinny, beautiful people. Tuesday should antagonize one of them instead!

~ Teenie ANGRY Yogini

P.S- and to the list of impossible goals “you are an adult, sit like one! No more W’s!”

P.P.S- W sitting is acceptable while in Fixed-firm though.